Why I’m a virgin.

“I like to talk about sex.

This is natural for a woman who grew up in a culture that surrounds us with it, who is the product of parents who taught me no topic is taboo. But few who discuss sex with me are prepared for what I divulge:

I’m a virgin.”

Click here to read the rest of this essay I wrote. It’s online now and in print Sunday, June 24, in the Perspective section of the Tampa Bay Times.

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • SVB

    I think that, out of reading both your essays, and our talks, that is the most well-thought out argument for chastity. Not that the others weren’t, but for some reason, this really allowed me to “get” what you’ve been talking about.

    Incidentally, have you read the comment by “anon anon?” It kind of made me laugh: “In any case, you are 26. If you aren’t in a committed relationship now that is leading to marriage soon, you likely aren’t ever going to marry.”

    Is he a psychic or something? What sociological/behavioral evidence does he have to back up that claim?

    If you have a differing opinion, fine. But if you’re going to make crazy claims like that without evidence beyond your own opinion, that’s just silly.

    Oh, and I love how he begins his comment: “Arleen: You have already written about still being a virgin at least once, that I am aware of.”

    No shit, Sherlock, SHE MENTIONED THAT IN THE ARTICLE!

    Humans never cease to amaze me. ::facepalm::

  • @SVB: Thank you so much! And YES, lol. I read the comment. Hilarious. I might respond. If not on the site, than in a future post on the blog.

    • Ed Murray

      Hey I thought that’s what they said about folks 50 and older certainly not as young as 26 or 27!

    • Times are a-changin’!

  • Arleen, I was enticed to read your post from reading the title at Elizabeth Esther’s blog. So glad you embedded your remarks in the virtue of chastity.

    I am now married for 33 years, but I waited for the same reasons you are waiting, so I want to encourage you to persevere. Everything you wrote is true.

    But, I didn’t live in a sex-saturated culture. We were taught about chastity at home and in our religious education classes at school. It saddens me that so few, even among young Catholics, value chastity.

    So keep talking it up among your peers, Arleen. God bless your efforts.

  • @Ruth: Thanks so much for sharing your story and for reading mine! I’m honored by and grateful for your kind words and encouragement.

  • Anonymous

    Waiting won’t ruin your wedding night. Trust me, I know this!

    As for getting married…only one of my circle of close friends was even in a serious relationship by age 26. The first to marry was 27. The last to marry was 36. All but one of us waited for marriage to have sex. And we are all doing just fine!

  • @Anonymous: Fabulous! Thanks sincerely for sharing – I find such stories super encouraging (and in a culture like ours, we always need these reminders).

  • Shannon

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I married my husband four years ago when I was 28 – and I was a virgin on our wedding night. It took some work and a lot of communication to make it work after we were married, but even with our difficulties, I have no regrets about waiting for him. It is wonderful to read that others also believe that good sex in a marriage is something that does not come easily to most – I wish I’d known that prior to marriage! I found your link via Elizabeth’s site and I’m so glad I did. 🙂

  • @Shannon: Thank YOU for sharing your story! I am grateful for the feedback and glad you found you way here, too. Hope you’ll stick around! 🙂

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for your courage in exposing yourself to criticism, as well as admiration. For those criticizing you, or calling your choice a mistake, you are hurting no one. For guys, I think it is harder to publicly admit to waiting, because of the verbal abuse and teasing they would take from even their purported friends, who haven’t waited. I think some of it is from others not wanting you to be “better” than them. Nevertheless, you make a great role model.

    It would be nice, as a guy with a similar mindset, to be able to know how to find women with your views. If we are a minority of 2%’ers and would strongly prefer to find someone else that is also waiting, what is the best way to meet such like-minded people?

    As far as not waiting, I’ve heard countless stories from both guys and girls. From guys, how they “cracked” her and then dumped her because after they “conquered” her, the challenge was over and it was time to look for a new conquest. From girls, how they thought he loved her, but after she had sex with him, he was no longer interested. She felt used, manipulated, and she probably was. That’s not to say that all women are innocents and all men are dogs, only that guy to guy, they will speak more freely about their true intentions. Thus you have the language such as “scoring” which connotates for some it is little more than a numbers game.

    • Thanks so much for the feedback and compliment. I’m honored!

      Re: your question: I wish I had an answer (and if you know where the men are, I and a lot of other ladies would like to know, lol). Meeting the “right person,” for anyone, feels like finding a needle in a haystack. When you save sex for marriage, it frankly can be hard to find the haystack, let alone a needle. My guesses are church (although being a churchgoer never necessarily implies a person is like-minded in this arena), through like-minded-but-already-married friends who know other single, like-minded people, the internet.

    • Ed Murray

      For years I’ve been saying “Join an Astronomy Club” but today the membership is graying so you would really have to get into the hobby very far…joining several orgs (if they exist in your area) going to star parties. But I’m sure you will find younger guys around your age. And if not, you have gained a hobby that will last a lifetime that can tie you more to God’s creation:)

    • Ed Murray

      And today would be a great time to get involved because of Comet Ison a lot of folks, new to astronomy, will be coming out to club meetings to find out about where to look for it and to public events called “Star Parties” to actually look through telescopes at it and planets and other celestial bodies.

    • I read somewhere a list of things a father would say to his daughter’s boyfriend. One of them was “Remember, she’s my princess; not your conquest.”
      Interestingly my male best friend revealed to me that someone had told him he should “take advantage” of me. (my friend’s wording-not mine,) Happily, my friend was too much of a gentleman to even try.
      But it’s a bit shocking that that was the other guy’s guy-to-guy advice!