Thoughts on prayer.

There is something disconcerting and something else peaceful about being silent in thought and word in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

En route to the church, I think.

I have to spill my guts to Christ, I think.

I think I have to tell him something and wait for his response, or for a blanket of warmth if it’s cold out, or something, or an inexplicable breeze if it’s not (neither has ever happened, it’s just what I think of). That this time, my prayer will be intentional and uninterrupted. No distractions.

And so in the church, I kneel, and I greet Jesus, and then I remember an email or a deadline or my attitude problem. I rein in my thoughts. I greet Jesus again, and focus firmly on the tabernacle first. Then on the giant crucifix above it. Then on how I want to be a better public speaker.

Come on, Arleen.

I greet Jesus. Again.

I want to say words, more words than the ones in my default opener…

Thank you, Lord…

…but I can’t think of any.

Which bothers part of me. The part that thinks I should be able to articulate a reason to be here, that I should gush, or at least communicate for more than a minute before my mind turns to how hungry I am or to whether I should wear my hair curly tomorrow. The part that thinks I have no excuse for this.

The other part of me thinks it’s totally ok. That’s the part that recalls how many times I have been told not to talk as much as I listen. To make what distracts me part of my prayer. That the sacrifice of being there is prayer enough, sometimes.

Again, I greet Jesus.

Sorry for the time(s) I was awake enough to watch four reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond but too tired to pray by the time I turned off the TV. Sorry for the time(s) I put the snooze button before you. For zoning out during the homily. For all my seeking first the other stuff.

I think, then, of all the other stuff.

Then I greet Jesus, again.

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  • I think this is a struggle we all go through! At least is one I definitely have lived one too many times! I now know you do too, and I’m sure many more go through it as well!

    Keep on trying! Keep on greeting Jesus: He is there! He is listening and He is also speaking to you. Don’t hesitate to bring him your wishes, if you think about how “you want to be a better public speaker”, ask Him! He knows is something you want, He knows is something you would use to spread His love! 🙂

    Prayer is not easy all the time! Don’t be too hard on yourself and keep on trying! 🙂

  • Wow, so very honest and I can so relate. What’s important to remember is this: “I greet Jesus, again.” That’s what stood out to me. You keep seeking, trying and wanting to commune with Him. We aaaaall do this but aren’t always vocal about it. Thank God He’s patient and KNOWS us! Thank you so much for this and you have sisters in Christ standing with you 🙂