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[Guest Post] Why I’m a proponent of pre-marital counseling.

Guest blogger
JQ Tomanek!

Why am I proponent of pre-marital counseling? Oh, wait. I thought the question was “Why am I a proponent of pre-martial counseling?”

I have two young kids in martial arts and I recommend parents get pre-martial counseling to deal with the stresses of high kicks to the face and low punches below the belt. However, since I am here already, let me give why I’m a proponent of pre-MARITAL counseling a whirl. First, a story.

I was born in the late seventies. I was never taught how to shave by my father. I remember seeing movies with a father and son having a great bonding experience through the use of a straight razor or a safety razor. Technology has since pretty much solved the problem of the danger of shaving and that rite of passage is no longer needed. It became all too simple: 1) Lather with shaving cream from a can; 2) Take out the Gillette SensorExcel; 3) Pull and rip the hair off your face.

Oh, the memories. Back then, that was “Gillette, the best a man can get.” No, really. Watch:

No father chat. No straight razor skill needed. No knowledge of honing, stropping, pre-post creams,
or post shower shaving. Now fast forward to the present day. I am 34 years old, married for 11 years,
three kids, a cat and a dog. I drive a truck, have guns, and now am teaching myself how to use a Merkur
Futur. That is a safety razor, for those still in the cave of the Mach whatever it is. I am watching videos
on YouTube, getting advice on Facebook, emailing friends and chatting with men about how to use a
single razor like an artist. This time next year, my goal is to be using a straight razor. It is hard to get more masculine than putting a surgical sharp knife on your face and shaving your whiskers. This process will require even more communication between hand and brain with the use of my fine motor skills.

What is the connection with pre-marital counseling? Well the qualities required of the art of shaving with a straight razor are similar to qualities required of committed relationships – relationships like those of engaged couples and married people. Relationships take practice, skills, technique, communication and knowledge of self and others to create success. For some, this can be accomplished on your own. Everybody knows the guy that can train, research, and sculpt his body without the help of a trainer. For the rest of us, a proper coach is needed.

If I had tried the safety razor technique without advice, I would look like I ran into Freddie Krueger after someone told him I had eaten his last Oreo.

Marriage is something loftier than a straight shave or sport. It is the mutual self-gift of each other to
another person with each other’s happiness on the line. No pressure, you are only married “until death
do you part” and you will likely teach your children every bad habit you have.

But what should a couple or a person talk about with a counselor regarding marriage? Why is counsel
needed? Here is a list of 8 reasons a trusted counselor is good for the pre-marital relationship. I
have made it easy to remember with this clever acronym: FLATULNT.

1. Finances. Who will take care of them? Two accounts or one? Spending habits that need to be ironed out. Saving for retirement needs. How much debt will you enter into with a marriage?

2. Love languages. How do you explain to your future spouse what your primary love language is? How do you find out your spouse’s language? What are some ways to express this language?

3. Articles of Faith. This one is way more important than most think. Even if both of you are not religious when you are engaged, this can be a problem. What is to happen if one spouse has a conversion and changes somewhat? Couples without faith will have to understand that God is not part of the marriage and someone or something will replace God. If each couple practices a different faith then there needs to be a lot of discussion on how to raise kids, going to church, etc.

4. You also marry the Tribe. When you get married, you marry your spouse and enter into his or her relationships. This includes her parents, godparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, friends, and Confirmation sponsor. Sometimes these people can bring great joy and sometimes they can bring great thorns to your side.

5. Unitary problems. It is best to get these taken care of before you compound the situation with learning another person in such an intimate way. I don’t just mean drug problems or abuse. Some problems can stem from childhood and need to be dealt with so that your spouse does not become to whipping bag even if you do not desire her to be.

6. Love-makin’. That’s right. Sex. In earlier days, it was pretty much standard that a couple could learn this together in the confines and protection of the marital vows. Today, many people are addicted to pornography, have been abused, or received some generic idea of sex from a program manual. If your idea of sex is based on porn, please find a good counselor to lose this baggage. Abuse strikes at the core of a person and so will likely affect your most intimate actions including your sexuality. Many sex education programs tout the benefits of contraception and safe sex but the human person is created for greatness through being free, faithful, total and fruitful.

7. Newlywed. Marital counselors deal with broken couples all the time. They see what problems married people encounter. They can prepare a couple to miss some of the common pitfalls like “Who will make the coffee everyday?” or “How clean to leave a bedroom?”

8. Teamwork. When you get hitched, you are made into a team of one. Every team uses common skills to create success. Communication, integration, honesty, assuming the best of someone, and many others are very important in business teams and even more important in the marital team. As kids come a long, there begins two teams. There is the husband/wife team that needs care and the family team that has different needs.

Each of these listed are good reasons that pre-marital counseling is a good option in today’s world.
I am sure there are married couples that read Arleen’s blog as well. Are there other reasons you
might add? Are there any pre-married couples that would like to give some testimony on some
good things you have learned?

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About the blogger: J.Q. Tomanek lives in the country of Texas with his wife Denise, a Southern Belle from Trinidad and Tobago, and his three children. He holds two graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, an MBA and Master of Science in Organizational Leadership, and a Bachelor of Arts degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Having taught for five years in Catholic education, he now works in the construction industry in Victoria, TX. He is a parishioner of Holy Family of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus Parish in the Diocese of Victoria. Click here to read his column at Ignitum Today.

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[Guest Post] What I learned about patience by being single.

sarah-vbGrowing up, I always figured I’d get married someday.

That, along with having kids, was just one of those things you did when you were an adult. I more or less kept that mentality up through college, which included a break-up with a guy who I was sure at the time was “The One.” When that ended, as much as I still wanted to be with someone, I figured maybe God was telling me to hold off in the relationship department for awhile. My “someday” was not at that time. So I put dating on the back-burner and instead focused on my college classes and socializing with friends, figuring that “someday” would happen at an undisclosed point in time after graduation and finding an adult job. Then a funny thing happened as graduation loomed closer and closer: good friends started getting engaged. Suddenly I found myself going to bachelorette parties and bridal showers, shopping for bridesmaid dresses and wedding gifts. While my “someday” was at some point in the distant future, my friends’ “somedays” were happening right then.

As happy as I was for my friends, all that wedding fever brought back to the surface my desire to be with someone. While I wanted to wait on God and on who or what He had in store for me, my flawed human nature got the better of me. I began to grow impatient. When would it be my turn to shop for a wedding dress? When would I get to have a bachelorette party thrown in my honor? Not only was I not getting married, I wasn’t even dating anybody, and there were zero prospects in my immediate future. So, since God seemed to be ignoring me completely, I decided to take matters into my own hands. What resulted was a string of hilariously bad dates with grossly incompatible men: the blind date with zero chemistry. The Italian guy with whom I had nothing in common because he was just too European and I was just too American. The Australian who informed me on the first (and only) date that he needed sex in a relationship because he was an affectionate person. The guy from Starbucks who was just…off. At the end of it, I was frustrated and still nowhere closer to my “someday.” Meanwhile, friends were still getting married.

Looking back, I think all those cringe-worthy dates were part of God’s lesson in patience. I think He was trying to show me that, by taking matters into my own hands, I was robbing myself of something way better He had in store for me. Along with learning the hard way what I DIDN’T want in a spouse, God was also showing me qualities I DID want, both through people I met in church and elsewhere. And I realized that the people with those desirable qualities were worth waiting for. That God’s plan, regardless of whether or not it included marriage, was worth waiting for. I learned that just because I was single didn’t mean God loved me any less than my married counterparts. He wasn’t ignoring me. He had His best in store for me, regardless of my marital status. I just had to be patient and trust Him.

So that is what I am doing. I’m still single. No prospects. But I’m truly okay with that. I’m enjoying His best as a single, growing in my faith and discovering new interests and hobbies. I’m focusing less on when my “someday” will be and more on resting in Him and trusting in Him. And I can’t wait to see what else He has in store for me.

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About the blogger: Sarah Van Blaricum lives in Tampa, FL with her fur baby, a mini schnauzer named Ava. She works full-time at an ad agency in the Bay Area, but likes to pretend that writing is her real job. She blogs here, tweets here, Googles here, and would love it if you stopped by to say hi.

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[Guest Post] Eve: Round II

Guest blogger Amber Mobley!
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,(except for that one). ~ Genesis 3:1 – 2

I’m Eve, y’all. I just recently realized it.

Boasting solely in God and His goodness, I have to say that my life and experiences have been AMAZING! The places I’ve lived, the people I’ve met, the things I’ve accomplished…but, I have to admit: for a large part of my life, I’ve still been unhappy because I didn’t have a ‘real’ boyfriend and have never been close to marriage.

My situation runs parallel to the foolishness that Eve got herself into.

As Ephesians 6:12 states,”We wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

And just like he did with Eve, that dirty devil’s been trying to start a fight.

That dirty devil had the nerve to get in her head and make her think that she should be ungrateful because God didn’t want her eating from one, ONE, of the trees in the garden. This hefa had a kazillion kabillion million shillion trees to eat from and enjoy, but she was worried, concerned, and even “mad” at God because He told her to leave ONE of those trees alone for her own good.

Just like Eve, I’ve been conversing with the devil for far too long. He’s been in my head and in my spirit, trying to convince me that I’m worthless — or worth less — because I’m single at 30.

Here I’ve been, for 30 years, eating from the kazillion kabillion million shillion trees and having the nerve to keep looking at that ONE tree — with the relationship fruit — and being ungrateful for aaaaall of the other fruits that have come to me in their season from phenomenally tasty, delicious and plentiful trees.

So, my new mantra — because I know me :o) — is “All the trees in the garden…” (I’m leaving the “except for that one” part out in order to help me focus on all I DO have.)

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About the blogger: Amber Mobley currently lives in Kansas City, Kansas but — throughout the last 12 years — has called Washington, DC; Shreveport and Baton Rouge, Louisiana; Tampa, Florida and Los Angeles her home. She freelances for The Kansas City Star (Faith Walk and Ink) and is currently one of the coolest librarians this side of the Mississippi as she’s working on her PhD in education. Click here to visit her on Facebook.

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Modesty only works when it isn’t distorted.

They need a sign that warns about the butts.

If one thing stands out about a trip I took to South Beach back in May, it’s this:

I have never seen so much butt on a beach.

Our first day there, I stepped off the boardwalk behind the hotel and onto the sand,  far too close for comfort to a woman who – while holding her toddler’s hand – rubbed sunblock onto a part of her body that is normally covered by clothes.

I go with my gut when I say “modest is hottest” isn’t Miami’s motto. (Oh how I wish it was.)

But even for we who are proponents of modesty, embracing it as it stands now could backfire on us. This is because modesty has been distorted.

Awhile ago, a study was conducted at Princeton, as paraphrased like this by Jason Evert:

The test subjects were placed in a brain scanner and for a fraction of a second were shown photographs of women in bikinis, as well as men and women dressed modestly. 

When the young men viewed the scantily clad women, the part of their brain associated with tool use lit up.

According to the study, men are likely to objectify women when women are scantily clad. To accommodate for that likelihood, the purpose of modesty has morphed into this: “Girls have to cover up so boys don’t objectify them.”

Which implies that the woman is responsible for the man’s actions, that the onus is on her to create conditions in which he won’t objectify her.

Which relieves a man of responsibility for his actions and requires of him exactly zero discipline.

Which implies men are weak. As if men can’t not objectify scantily clad women. As if human nature means men will objectify them.

But men don’t objectify women because they’re wired to do it. They objectify women because they’re humans who live in a culture that tells them to do it. And what is learned can be unlearned.

If we decide, however, that “it’s a woman’s job” to create conditions in which a man won’t objectify her (and therefore that “it’s her fault” when he does), men who learned it don’t have to unlearn it. And men who don’t unlearn it – even the ones who save sex for marriage – become husbands who will objectify their wives, because their wives inevitably will be scantily clad sometimes.

This is not to say I want the world to be one where women can be scantily clad under any circumstance. This is to say that if our solution for “men objectify scantily clad women” is “women stop dressing scantily,” we send the following message: A man’s objectification of a woman isn’t the problem. Her body is.

The damage done by an idea like that goes deep for both women and men.

And real modesty doesn’t do any damage.

Bodies aren’t bad. Bodies are good. We know this because we are physically attracted to each other. The attraction is designed to “orient” us toward the other. It produces a sensual reaction. A sensual reaction is a good thing, too.

But a sensual reaction is superficial when compared to other important elements of a relationship (like friendship). When fostered before the other important elements, a sensual reaction can distract a person from ever discovering whether the other important elements even exist.

The problem is “when only sensuality is stirred, we experience the body of the other person as a potential object of enjoyment. We reduce the person to their physical qualities – their good looks, their body – and view the person primarily in terms of the pleasure we can experience from those qualities,” wrote Edward Sri in Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love.

But, wrote Sri, we live “in a highly sexualized culture … (where) we are constantly bombarded by sexual images exploiting our sensuality, getting us to focus on the bodies of members of the opposite sex.”

Which is why real modesty is so important.

Modesty, when not distorted, doesn’t say girls have to cover up so boys don’t objectify them. It isn’t a burden on women and doesn’t imply men are weak. It requires us to pursue and be pursued for virtuous reasons. It enables us to be drawn to somebody for who he or she is (which is conducive to love), not for what his or her body does to us (which impedes love).

And in a culture mostly all right with superficial relationships and way-too-bare bodies on (and off) the beach, modesty provides a refreshing “arena in which something much more than a sensual reaction might take place.” (Sri)

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[Q&A – Dating] What does it really mean when she (or he) says “we should just be friends?”

The Q: From a guy, about a girl: “At first she seemed very interested. Then somehow, she got scared or had second thoughts or something. I must have come on too strong. … If she says she wants to be ‘just friends’ right now, does that mean I have to not talk to her any more?” -Michael*

The A: There are two versions of my answer to this question. First, the long one: One of my favorite quotes, from George Bernard Shaw, says “the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

My hunch is that’s what’s happened here.

This reminds me of the time I let a guy take me out twice and after date two, I knew: I couldn’t be more than his friend. Afraid to hurt his feelings, I dropped a gentle hint or two, intending to imply the following:

I definitely don’t want to date you.

He didn’t pick up what I tried to put down. And that I expected him to is absurd, because people can’t read minds. But the point is this: explicit communication is key. We can’t assume somebody knows exactly what we mean if we haven’t told them exactly what we mean.

And this is not to say Michael’s girl doesn’t want to date him. It’s to say that as far as Michael’s concerned, she hasn’t told him exactly what she means.

And since I’m not her, I can’t say for sure whether “I want to be ‘just friends’ right now” means she doesn’t want to hear from him. Which is why this is my short answer:

Ask her the same question.

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Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, email me at arleenwrites@gmail.com or leave it in the comments. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

*Real person, fake name.

Click here to read all the posts in this series.