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“He Speaks to You.”

So I’m a fan of Sister Helena Burns, the fabulous “media nun” who graciously stuck a link to my recent Tampa Bay Times sex essay in a blog post she wrote about the movie Magic Mike.

But that’s beside the point.

The point is I recently ordered her new book – He Speaks to You – and got it in the mail today. The book is a collection of reflections written for young women, and there’s one for each day of the year. When I ripped open the package today, I flipped the book open at random.


You know what page it opened to? The one for July 16. 


Which is today.


BOOM. Monday miracle.


– – – – 


Click here to read Sr. Helena’s blog.


Click here to learn more about He Speaks to You.

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Books in 2012: Unleashed

In my hot Florida garage this morning, I read the rest of Unleashed: Release the Untamed Faith Within by Erwin Raphael McManus. It is the sixteenth book I’ve read in full in 2012.

McManus is a resident alien in two ways, he wrote. One, he lives in Los Angeles and carries a green card (he’s from El Salvador). Two, he lives in the world and carries the Kingdom into it.

While I read his book, I was reminded of the time I stopped at a deli for a sandwich, in a really hungry rush. I paid and jumped in the car, hit the road and unwrapped what I’d eat while I drove. Sandwich in hand, surrounded by cars, I stuffed my face. Unabashed by my appetite, I neither simply consumed nor solely enjoyed my sandwich. I decimated it with a passion. I looked like a barbarian. And I didn’t care who looked at me at the red light, or what jokes they cracked about what they saw.

You don’t care about that stuff when you eat with reckless abandon.

The faith required to carry the Kingdom into the world is the untamed faith McManus invites us to unleash. Untamed faith requires a reckless abandon not unlike the one with which I ate my sandwich. It requires risk and trust. You get undignified and uncivilized. You’re a barbarian. And you don’t care who looks at you or what jokes they crack about what they see.

Two words, friends: worth it.

See below for some of my favorite excerpts. May they comfort or disturb you:

On civilized faith:

“Perhaps the tragedy of our time is that such an overwhelming number of us who declare Jesus as Lord have become domesticated – or, if you will, civilized.” -p. 12

“…’the Kingdom of God is near. Repent and believe the good news!’ (Mark 1:15) … So what is this good news? The refined and civilized version goes something like this: Jesus died and rose from the dead so that you can live a life of endless comfort, security, and indulgence. But really this is a bit too developed. Usually it’s more like this: if you’ll simply confess that you’re a sinner and believe in Jesus, you’ll be saved from the torment of eternal hellfire, then go to heaven when you die. Either case results in our domestication.” -p. 32

On untamed faith:

“The call of Jesus is far more barbaric than either of these. It is a call to live in the world as citizens of an entirely different kingdom. In its primitive state the good news could never be separated from the invitation of Jesus to ‘come, follow Me.’ He never lied about the danger or cost associated with becoming His follower. He told them up front, ‘I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves’ (Matthew 10:16). One danger of civilized faith is that we become so domesticated, we begin to live as shrewd as the dove. We are blind to the spiritual nature of life and the unseen reality in which we reside. Another danger is that we become as innocent as snakes. For far too long, sincere followers of Christ have had to live with the consequences of those who use religion to manipulate others and camouflage hypocrisy.” -p. 33

On what faith is not about:

“Jesus’ death wasn’t to free us from dying, but to free us from the fear of death. Jesus came to liberate us so that we could die up front and then live.” -p. 48

“You were not created to be normal. God’s desire for you is not compliance or conformity.” -p. 82

On what happens when you unleash an untamed faith:

“You cannot meet the Creator of the universe and remain the same. … expect at least some minor disruption.” -p. 65-66.

“… to everyone who is deaf to His voice, your actions will seem as if you’ve gone crazy.” -p. 80

“Once your life is in sync with the story of God, you become out of sync with any story that attempts to ignore or eliminate God. You are a stranger to them, an alien among them, a nomadic wanderer who, while refusing to be rooted in this life, seems to somehow enjoy this life the most.” -p. 93

 – – – – –

Click here to read about all the books I read in 2012.

Click here to learn more about Unleashed.

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Why I’m a virgin: the feedback.

A week ago today, what I wrote about saving sex for marriage printed in the Perspective section of my paper, the Tampa Bay Times.

Readers called me unintelligent and unattractive (So that’s why I’m a virgin.).

A web editor had to shut down the comments online before the essay even appeared in print. “Too many personal attacks,” he said.

So I started getting emails and voicemails.

“That was a silly thing to go and write,” one said.

“In the end, you clearly made no point.”

“Who gives a damn why you’ve never been laid?”

“I read your article stating that you like to talk about sex. No offense, but talk about the voice of inexperience. How can you contribute on the very subject you have never participated in?”

“Why do you feel it’s necessary to write an article about your sexuality? That’s my question. I don’t understand it. Certainly you don’t think this will move another 20 year old or 25 year old to follow suit. People do it on impulse. It’s wonderful what you’re doing, (but) I can’t imagine what you hope to accomplish.” (From a voicemail. She didn’t leave a number.)

“Your argument seems to be based on the assumption that your husband and you will talk and work out all issues. Good luck. … The chance of finding a man who 1) knows himself well and 2) will talk out these issues, will be difficult. I wish you well.” (Written by a male, for the record.)

Other readers called me courageous and wise.

“Wish my son was old enough for you (he’s 12).” (Lol!)

“In a time of American and world decay, your story is refreshing, brave, and should give everyone a little more hope.”

“Although I am not a (Christian), I agree that adults (and younger people unfortunately) take sex very lightly. … Arleen, keep writing wonderful articles like this because we need people like you in this world. Badly.” (Insert me, placing my hand over my heart and saying, “Aww!”)

“My name is [insert name here], I just read your article. Good job, well written, well done. … I am a 55 year old mother of three. My oldest daughter is … also a virgin by choice. … We are Jewish, we are as liberal as liberal can be. … I, too, was a virgin when I got married. I can tell you my friends thought I was as crazy as crazy comes. And I sometimes thought I was crazy, too. But for me, it was the right decision. [Insert name here], our daughter, is young and cute and smart and sweet and in a graduate program, all that stuff. She is also waiting. To be blunt, she doesn’t give a shit about what other people think of that. And I commend her and applaud her for that, as I do you.” (From a voicemail.)

“It’s not only moral living, it’s common sense. You may be a 2 percenter, but believe me, the 98 percent have got it wrong.”
And couples who married as virgins, and have been (or were, if one spouse is deceased) married for 1, 3, 32, 33, 45, 52, 60 and 70 years wrote and called, too, to tell me what I wrote is true, and that they are happy.

It’s been a fun week, sincerely.

And when I rolled out of bed this morning, I found more feedback — a few letters to the editor in today’s Perspective section, regarding what I wrote:

Letters-to-the-Editor-7-1-12

If I could edit the second sentence of the third letter, I’d have it say this: “I hope and pray that all the parents, young women and young men who read her article listen to what she is saying …” Perhaps in a future post, I’ll delve deeper into why I’d add “young men,” but today I’ll sum it up this way: We are egregious when we say it is solely up to women to save sex for marriage. When we do, we uphold a double standard, we tell women that women (and not men) are responsible for men’s behavior, we enable men to relinquish responsibility and we permit them to believe they really can’t control themselves, which — frankly, and generally — is a lie.

And that isn’t a criticism of the letter writer (who emailed me, too, by the way, and is super kind). It’s a criticism of the culture in which he lives.

A culture (or at least a Tampa Bay area) with pretty mixed opinions about saving sex for marriage. I’m grateful for all the feedback about what I wrote, good and bad, and for the opportunity to have written it.

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Books in 2012: Blue Like Jazz

Five years ago, my friends Seth and Sarah separately suggested, one within weeks of the other, that I read a book called Blue Like Jazz. So after work one night, I walked to my car from the now-closed Carrollwood bureau, drove to the bookstore down the street and bought a copy.

I read it.

I liked it.

I didn’t touch it again until this year.

Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality is by Donald Miller, and it’s also a movie, as of this year. It played at one Tampa theater for a weekend and I missed it. So in lieu of seeing it on the big screen, I pulled my copy off the bookshelf in my closet.

I flipped through it and found it devoid of notes, but dogeared at the bottom on lots of pages, like I do every time I like what a particular page has to say. As of tonight, Blue Like Jazz is the fourteenth book I’ve read in full in 2012. I liked it better the second time. Frankly, it felt like I hadn’t read it before, like it was wholly new to me, which goes to show how much attention I must have paid it in 2007. Most of the pages I dogeared the first time meant nothing to me this time. But lots of things did mean something to me. Here are some:

On souls unwatched:

“It is hard for us to admit we have a sin nature because we live in this system of checks and balances. If we get caught, we will be punished. But that doesn’t make us good people; it only makes us subdued. Just think about the Congress and Senate and even the president. The genius of the American system is not freedom; the genius of the American system is checks and balances. Nobody gets all the power. Everybody is watching everybody else. It is as if the founding fathers knew, intrinsically, that the soul of man, unwatched, is perverse.” -page 18

On self absorption:

“‘I’m talking about self absorption. If you think about it, the human race is pretty self-absorbed. Racism might be the symptom of a greater disease. What I mean is, as a human, I am flawed in that it is difficult for me to consider others before myself. If feels like I have to fight against this force, this current within me that, more often than not, wants to avoid serious issues and please myself, buy things for myself, feed myself, entertain myself, and all of that. All I’m saying is that if we, as a species, could fix our self-absorption, we could end a lot of pain in the world.'” -pages 40-41

I’m with Don:


“Sooner or later you just figure out there are some guys who don’t believe in God and they can prove He doesn’t exist, and some other guys who do believe in God and they can prove He does exist, and the argument stopped being about God a long time ago and now it’s about who is smarter, and I honestly don’t care.” -page 103

On belief:


“But the trouble with deep belief is that it costs something. And there is something inside me, some selfish beast of a subtle thing that doesn’t like the truth at all because carries responsibility, and if I actually believe those things, I have to do something about them. It is so, so cumbersome to believe anything.” -page 107

“…what I believe is not what I say I believe; what I believe is what I do.” -page 110

On boldness:


“I think if you like somebody you have to tell them. It might be embarrassing to say it, but you will never regret stepping up. I know form personal experience, however, that you should not keep telling a girl that you like her after she tells you she isn’t into it. You should not keep riding your bike by her house either.” -page 142

From an excerpt of a play Don wrote; lines a husband says to his wife while she sleeps:


“That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in doing so, revealing Him.” -page 149

“God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.” -page 150

On death to self:


“Bill set down his coffee and looked me in the eye. ‘Don,’ he said. ‘If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus.'” -page 185

On understanding:


“Many of our attempts to understand Christian faith have only cheapened it. I can no more understand the totality of God than the pancake I made for breakfast understands the complexity of me.” -page 202

On responsibility:


“I loved the fact that it wasn’t my responsibility to change somebody, that it was God’s, that my part was just to communicate love and approval.” -page 221

– – – – –

Click here to read about all the books I read in 2012.

Click here to read Don Miller’s blog.

Click here to learn more about Blue Like Jazz.

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“God can’t stand me” (and other lies).

One of my favorite defense mechanisms (to study) is projection.

Projection is “attributing one’s own unacknowledged feelings [or thoughts or behaviors] to others.” (1)

It’s sort of like saying “You eat too much…” to a friend (who may or may not actually be eating too much) simultaneously as you eat too much (without noticing that you are eating too much).

It protects us from the discomfort of acknowledging something negative we think, feel or do ourselves (and from the work of correcting it). We use projection unwittingly. With it, we draw attention to something negative we see (or fabricate!) in someone else — something we subconsciously recognize (and dislike) in ourselves. We do it because as long as we are pointing at it in someone else, we a) don’t have to address it in ourselves and b) can trust that no one else will notice it in us (or so we think).

It’s kind of like the time I stopped responding to an ex-boyfriend’s attempts to reach me, and in his 35th email to me in the first days after I cut off contact, he said, “You need to move on!”

Do you ever notice that we do this with God?

Like when we sin and then act like God thinks we’re bad and worthless.

The truth is that when we act like God thinks we’re bad and worthless, we are projecting how we feel about ourselves onto God. It isn’t how God feels about us after we do something we know we shouldn’t — it’s how we feel about us.

But remember:

God doesn’t love us because we are good. We are good because He loves us. And even when we aren’t worthy, we are valuable.

– – – –

1. From here.