Tag: 3 Lessons and 2 Tips Series

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Rhett Smith, MDiv, MSMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Plano, TX, who serves on staff at The Hideaway Experience marriage intensive in Amarillo, TX. He is the author of The Anxious Christian and What it Means to be a Man. He lives in McKinney, TX with his wife Heather – to whom he has been married since June 18, 2005 – and their two children. I am grateful for the time he spared to share three lessons and two tips:

AS: How did you meet your wife?

RS: I met my wife Heather at a young adult worship night at our former church in Los Angeles, Bel Air Presbyterian. After the service was over I found myself sort of milling around close to where she was standing, and eventually I got up enough courage to introduce myself.

AS: What are three lessons you’ve learned by being married?

RS: There are lots of things I’ve learned in marriage, so it’s hard to break it down to three. But I think the most important things are the ones I constantly teach in my therapy work to couples because they have been so powerful to me.

AS: What’s the first lesson?

RS: I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet and self-validate through my own sense of self and through my identity in God. In a good marriage, our partners validate and affirm us (other validation), but we also have to learn how to be self-differentiated (Schnarch) individuals, otherwise we can become needy and dependent on our partner to meet every need. That is exhausting for the other person.

AS: And the second?

RS: That marriage is either moving in one of two directions: forward and thriving, or backwards and regressing. Marriage is not a static state of a place that we hope to get to and can put on cruise control. Marriage is an active, intentional, daily practice.

AS: And the third?

RS: (Our) ability to connect, solve conflict, relate, etc. is in direct correlation to the amount of self-care we practice (physically, emotionally, mental, spiritually)

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

RS: First, before you get married you really have to work on yourself. You are responsible for yourself 100 percent, and if you are able to do that and work on the things that need work, then you will be able to bring your best self into the marriage.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

RS: Second, marriage is not about losing your identity and self in the other person, but rather about both of you coming together to create a beautiful we/us.

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Connect with Rhett:  Read more about Rhett’s work at rhettsmith.com.

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Paul Angone, author of 101 Secrets for your Twenties (Moody Publishers), as well as speaker, humorist, and creator of AllGroanUp.com — a place for those asking “what now?”

AS: How did you meet your wife?

PA: Since both of us were living in California, it only made sense for my wife and I to meet in Wilmore, Kentucky. We were both right out of college, both working at our alma maters as admissions counselors, and both attending a conference for college admissions professionals in Kentucky.

The last night of the conference, over a 75-person game of hide-and-seek and a bet (long, funny story that was amazingly awkward and awkwardly amazing), we hit it off and were dating soon afterward.

The night I met her I thought she was so far out of my league that I didn’t have a chance. We were married July 6th, 2008 in San Diego. I know I’m supposed to say my wedding was the best night of my life. But…seriously it was the best night of my life. She’s still way out of my league, but please don’t remind her of this fact.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned by being married?

PA: As I write as Secret #80 in my book 101 Secrets for your Twenties, “Marriage will NOT fix any of your problems…No, marriage actually puts a magnifying glass on how many problems you really have.” Your spouse will have the amazing ability to open closet doors and find monsters you thought you’d hidden to perfection.

AS: And the second lesson?

PA: Again as I write in my book, “Marriage in your 20s feels a lot like playing House.” You envision getting married and having it all figured out. You don’t. And never will. Everybody thinks they know how to be married until they are actually married. My wife and I quickly realized–marriage doesn’t define us, we define it.

AS: And the third lesson?

PA: Whenever in doubt, do the dishes.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

PA: As my mentor told me, “”stop focusing so much on finding the right person and start focusing on becoming the right person.” This is not a challenge to be perfect. Again we’ll never have it all figured out. And it doesn’t mean we should stop intentionally looking for the right person. However, right attracts right. And the more right you are, the more right your relationship will be.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

PA: Enjoy this season. Each stage of life has it’s pros and cons. Focus on the things you love because when the next stage comes around, you might not be able to do those anymore.

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Connect with Paul Angone: Follow him on Twitter @PaulAngone.

Click here to see all the posts in this series.

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Shane Blackshear, host of the Seminary Dropout podcast, “public speaker and blogger with a passion and vision for communicating to people of all ages about living out the story that God has written for them in their personal and vocational lives.” Shane has been married to his wife Kate since July 21, 2007.

AS: How did you meet your wife?

SB: Kate and I met in college at Howard Payne University in Brownwood, TX. We didn’t really hang out, but it was a small school so everyone knew everybody else. It wasn’t until three years after she graduated and two years after I graduated that she moved back to Brownwood to help with a church that a few of us were planting together, and we got to know each other and started dating.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned by being married?

SB: Give up needing to be right. When you feel the need to be right, it’s the same thing as needing your spouse to be wrong. Give it up. You don’t need to chase down every fine point of an argument and wrestle your spouse into submission.

AS: And the second lesson?

SB: Set up some boundaries. I don’t mean that you have a private life that your spouse isn’t allowed to enter into. I work at home so it’s hard for Kate to tell when I’m working or just surfing Buzzfeed online. We’re working through some boundaries that will keep this a peaceful living situation (i.e.- I can use X number of hours a week to work and in the rest I have to be present).

AS: And the third lesson?

SB: Compromise! The apostle Paul talks about living in mutual submission to each other. One side thinks only women should be submissive to men, the other side thinks everyone should only do what they want to do all the time. The Bible says differently: both voluntarily submit to the other. I think that looks a lot like compromise. It’s not about what I want.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

SB: Don’t fall into the thinking that says that marriage is your next step in being complete. Paul is pretty clear that if you can stay single, you should. That’s probably one of the most looked over passages in the modern church. Many churches tend to build their programs around the families or couples, that shouldn’t be so. Singles are just as complete at couples and families. Enjoy your single life. Do things that are easier as a single person like living in an intentional community with others (yeah this can be done as a couple, but it’s harder).

AS: And a second tip for singles?

If you have a deep desire to getting married, don’t worry that God doesn’t want you to be. If God desires for you to be single, then the idea of always being single won’t be an overwhelming prospect to you.

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Connect with Shane Blackshear: Click here to read his blog and listen to his podcast, here to follow him on Twitter, and here to like him on Facebook.

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a new series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people. This edition features Brandon Vogt, Catholic blogger and author of The Church and New Media, who has been married since May 17, 2008. He and his his wife have three children.

AS: How did you meet your wife?

BV: My wife and I grew up in the same town and we met in high school. We were juniors together when we started dating, (and) we were in band together. We both played clarinet, (and) depending on who tells the story, either I was ahead of her or she was ahead of me and we would challenge each other, back and forth. What started as competitive relationship eventually blossomed into a loving relationship.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned by being married?

BV: The necessity of dying to self. I’ve found that the more I die to my own desires to serve the desires of my wife and my children, paradoxically, their desires become my own. Once I die to myself and my own desires, those desires are resurrected in new forms in the rest of my family. I have had to learn to that to be a great husband means to be a selfless husband.

AS: And the second lesson?

BV: To remain calm. Especially when you have young kids, lots of days things get out of control. Kids are screaming. They’re misbehaving. It seems like your breaking point. It’s easy for husbands and wives to take it out on each other, but we know that’s totally counterproductive. It ultimately damages your relationship. The best way to serve your family is as a united husband and wife. I have to remind myself that this, too, shall pass. All frustrations will ultimately pass.

AS: And the third lesson?

BV: To ground yourself in the Lord. We’ve found that in our marriage, the strongest periods are the times when we are both seeking the Lord, individually and together. There are weeks and months when we’ve just grown leaps and bounds in our relationships with the Lord; we pray together, discuss our spiritual lives, read the Bible together. Other times, there’s a lull. When our spiritual lives are firing together on all cylinders, it’s quite evident. When there’s a lull, when spiritual matters are ignored and we become ambivalent, that evidences itself through little flare ups, bickering, little problems here and there. When we are spiritually attuned together, our relationship flourishes. When we’re not, our unity breaks down.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

BV: One thing I heard a lot as a single is that when you’re single, you should be preparing yourself for marriage. It’s good advice, but I’d add (a caveat): Catholic sexual teaching has held for centuries (that) everyone is called to get married, but not everyone is called to marry a human being. Some people are called to marry God, either through the priesthood, or through the religious life, or through a consecrated community. Develop your relationship with God now because the way you relate to the Lord will influence your marriage, whether that’s a human marriage or a divine marriage.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

BV: Find a community. Whenever you’re single, it’s a rare point in your life where you can easily move in and out of a community. When you’re married, you’re in a community that you’re going to be in for the rest of your life, (whether that’s a) religious community, or (a community with your) spouse and kids. To prepare yourself for perpetual community, develop the skills to live in community with others. Find ways to enter into other types of small community now, whether that be small groups at your parish, local sports teams, groups of friends at work. Commit yourself to at least some form of community and learn how to live a communal life.
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Connect with Brandon Vogt: Click here to read his blog, here to like him on Facebook, and here to follow him on Twitter.