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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Rhett Smith.

rhett-head3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Rhett Smith, MDiv, MSMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Plano, TX, who serves on staff at The Hideaway Experience marriage intensive in Amarillo, TX. He is the author of The Anxious Christian and What it Means to be a Man. He lives in McKinney, TX with his wife Heather – to whom he has been married since June 18, 2005 – and their two children. I am grateful for the time he spared to share three lessons and two tips:

AS: How did you meet your wife?

RS: I met my wife Heather at a young adult worship night at our former church in Los Angeles, Bel Air Presbyterian. After the service was over I found myself sort of milling around close to where she was standing, and eventually I got up enough courage to introduce myself.

AS: What are three lessons you’ve learned by being married?

RS: There are lots of things I’ve learned in marriage, so it’s hard to break it down to three. But I think the most important things are the ones I constantly teach in my therapy work to couples because they have been so powerful to me.

AS: What’s the first lesson?

RS: I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet and self-validate through my own sense of self and through my identity in God. In a good marriage, our partners validate and affirm us (other validation), but we also have to learn how to be self-differentiated (Schnarch) individuals, otherwise we can become needy and dependent on our partner to meet every need. That is exhausting for the other person.

AS: And the second?

RS: That marriage is either moving in one of two directions: forward and thriving, or backwards and regressing. Marriage is not a static state of a place that we hope to get to and can put on cruise control. Marriage is an active, intentional, daily practice.

AS: And the third?

RS: (Our) ability to connect, solve conflict, relate, etc. is in direct correlation to the amount of self-care we practice (physically, emotionally, mental, spiritually)

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

RS: First, before you get married you really have to work on yourself. You are responsible for yourself 100 percent, and if you are able to do that and work on the things that need work, then you will be able to bring your best self into the marriage.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

RS: Second, marriage is not about losing your identity and self in the other person, but rather about both of you coming together to create a beautiful we/us.

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Connect with Rhett:  Read more about Rhett’s work at rhettsmith.com.

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

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THE BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT I HAVE EVER MADE.

Since Feb. 28, 2013 — the last day of Pope Benedict’s papacy — I’ve been harboring a secret.

A secret I’m ready to share.

I sat that morning at the kitchen table, typing grateful Tweets to the pope and waiting to receive news that would make or break my day (and potentially change my life). In Notre Dame, Indiana, 1100 miles north of my house, the people gathered who would determine which kind of news I’d get. They discussed, deliberated, and decided, all from a room at a publishing house called Ave Maria Press.

After the meeting, an editor delivered the news to me like this:

“So,” he said. “How would you like to write a book for us?”

I SAID YES.

I said yes because they (the fabulous people at Ave Maria Press) said yes, too. They had gathered that day to review a book proposal I had written, and to decide whether they’d like me to write the book. Indeed they would, and indeed I am (and it’s been a work in progress ever since).

The book — about love, chastity, and sex — is slated for a Fall 2014 release (and I will reveal the title and cover when they’re ready). In the meantime, two things:

1. Thank you for your readership. I am more grateful than I adequately can express that you read what I write, respond to what I write, and inspire what I write by sharing or challenging my sentiments. More to come!

2. Your support while I write (and eventually launch) the book is so appreciated. Here are four ways you can help, if you’d like: First, pray for me, and for the project. Writing a book is officially the greatest feat I ever have attempted (one at which I will succeed by the grace of God, with the help of a wonderful editor). Second, participate in an upcoming series of surveys I will share (which might result in your being quoted in the book!). Third, invite me to discuss love, chastity, and sex with young adults or parents at your church, school, or other organization. Fourth, share my work with your friends (and let them know I’d love to connect at arleenspenceley.com, on Twitter, on Facebook, and on Google+).

Hope you all are as pumped as I am. And now, I write.

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My Five Favorite Movies for October

October is the first month of my favorite three of the year, the start of a season devoid of every color but brown in Florida but bright and brisk almost everywhere else (or so I hear). It’s when I wear sweaters no matter the weather because I like to act sometimes like I don’t live where wearing winter garb doesn’t make sense. It’s the month that ends a week before my birthday, on one of my favorite holidays:

Halloween.

That October 31 is one of my favorite days is a surprise to some of my acquaintances, probably in part because I quit trick-or-treating in fourth grade and went to a school from fifth grade through twelfth where you’d be written up for wearing black or orange on Halloween.

But there is warmth and comfort in the season, which smells like pumpkin spice, and in big bowls of candy I’ll hand out to strangers and in scary movie nights with all the lights out. It’s a sign for me, of an incoming birthday and an impending Advent, of a corner turned toward Christmas.

This season, I am — so far, by far — the busiest I’ve ever been. Odds are bad I’ll have a lot of time to dedicate to how I’d usually spend it, which includes watching my five favorite movies for October. Here they are in random order. Perhaps you’ll enjoy ’em on my behalf:

Poltergeist: Some things at first can’t be explained, like how Carol Anne — the youngest of the three Freeling children — gets stuck inside the family’s television, and why Poltergeist is one of my favorite movies. But the flick, written by Steven Spielberg, et al, has been among my favorites since childhood, when I’m fairly certain I first watched it with my maternal grandparents. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen it, but I still jump during several scenes (especially when Robbie’s toy clown turns up in an unexpected place).

The Orphanage: The first time I saw the Orphanage, I sat on one side of the couch and my best friend sat on the other. At the end of the film, we discovered we both subconsciously had scooted into the middle, because we really were that scared. The movie, produced in part by Guillermo del Toro, is in Spanish with English subtitles, has a happy ending for a horror movie, and is part of why I am kind of afraid of the dark. (Worth it!)

The Blair Witch Project: Required viewing for a class I took in college, this movie — which you’ll either love or hate — has a whole lot of nothing in it but is shot and directed so you are scared while watching it anyway. In it, three young adults embark on foot through the woods, in a search on film for the “Blair witch.” They get lost, mad at each other, and very, very scared when what they hear in the dark can’t be identified. Watch ’til the end, even if you’re bored, ’cause the end totally makes it.

Halloween: Because best theme song ever. Hear it here.

Casper: Who among us didn’t kind of have a crush on Casper, as he appeared in human form toward the end of the movie? In this film, the ghost befriends Kat — played by Christina Ricci — who moved into a haunted mansion with her dad. Lucky for the pair, her father is a ghost expert and Casper is just the kind of friend Kat needs. It’s warm and fuzzy enough to be among my five favorites.

What are YOUR favorite movies for October?