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[Q&A – Relationships] What do you say to someone who feels unlovable?

The Q: “What do you say to someone who feels unlovable, whose 20s are gone, who believes there is nobody out there for him or her?” -Trish

The A: What I’d say is not as important as what I’d do. First I’d respectfully oppose his or her viewpoint by expressing my belief that humans are of intrinsic, infinite value, on the never-ending receiving end of authentic love and unabashed affection from the creator of the universe.

Then I’d go Albert Ellis on ’em.

Albert Ellis, a now-deceased psychologist, created rational emotive behavior therapy, a counseling theory designed to nip distress-inducing, irrational thought in the bud. Its purpose, according to Dr. Greg Mulhauser, is “to help clients to replace absolutist philosophies, full of ‘musts’ and ‘shoulds’, with more flexible ones.” How we’d use it with somebody who feels unlovable, whose 20s are gone, who believes he or she never will date again or marry, is threefold:

1. We’d pinpoint the person’s ultimate current beliefs (that being unattached equals being unlovable, that people who don’t meet somebody in their 20s never meet somebody, that he or she must have a significant other, etc.).

2. Then we’d dispute them (What evidence do you have that supports the belief? What evidence contradicts it? Is the belief rational, or irrational; reasonable, or unreasonable; constructive, or destructive? In what ways does having the belief help you meet your goals? In what ways does it hurt you?).

3. Then we’d replace them with better beliefs – rational, constructive ones (How single I am doesn’t determine how lovable I am. People meet each other and establish meaningful relationships at all ages. Nothing requires me to have a significant other; I’m not breaking a law by being single, etc.).

Other helpful tools to use when we’re stuck on a distress-inducing belief include making an appointment with a mental health counselor, or scouring the five principles for determining whether a belief is rational, Ellis’s list of irrational beliefs (and their replacements), and the ABC’s.

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Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, click here. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Audrey Assad.

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3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Audrey Assad, “an independent singer, musician, and songwriter” who “has a great passion for extolling the peculiarities and joys of the Sacrament (of marriage). She now makes music for the Church which that Sacrament so vividly illuminates.” I am grateful for the time she took to chat about what she’s learned by being married:

AS: How did you meet your husband?

AA: I met my husband William at a youth conference in Tucson, AZ. I was there singing background vocals with Matt Maher, and William (who was a friend of Matt’s) was working on production crew. We didn’t really “connect” romantically till a year later, though. We were married in February 2011 in Phoenix, AZ.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned by being married?

AA: Marriage is a path to holiness first and foremost. It is a way to encounter Christ, to follow Him, and to unite ourselves to Him.

AS: And the second lesson?

AA: No matter how prepared you are by counseling or reading books, every marriage is unique and special and has its own ups and downs. You’re married to a specific person with a specific history and a specific worldview. So it’s important to stay flexible!

AS: And the third lesson?

AA: A sense of humor is crucial to getting through those crappy days we all experience. It’s easy to take frustrations out on the person who is closest to you. It’s good to learn to laugh together when things are annoying.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

AA: Single life is just as much a path to holiness as marriage is, so don’t miss the occasions of sanctification while they’re still there! Enjoy it as much as you can, and seize the opportunities for holiness that exist in your current state in life.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

AA: If you’re called to marriage, you’ll be a better and more whole spouse if you till the ground of your heart during your single years.

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Click here to connect with Audrey.

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

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I’m not sure if this is a date.

Have you ever been on an “I’m not sure if this is a” date?

We probably all are more sure than we say we are, but deny that we’re sure so if we discover that one of us isn’t getting what we want, it doesn’t hurt. It’s one of life’s little dramas. This is how it plays out on a Friday night:

You show up at Starbucks first, slip inside, and slink into a big, black velvet chair in a corner. You pretend to read (who can read at a time like this?). You avoid eye contact with the door. And you think.

Do I buy my drink? Do I wait to let him pay? Does he want to pay? Is this a date? If only he’d been explicit.

“Can I take you out on Friday?” instead of “Want to grab coffee on Friday?” Is that so hard?

He shows up. You smile. He’s nervous. So it is a date. You walk to the counter together. You order tea. He asks for coffee.

“Are you together or separate?”

He looks at you. Brother, this ball was made for your court. But he has assumed the decision is yours. Shoot! You panic.

“Separate!” you say. Did you have another, more viable option? If you’d said together, he’d think you think you’re on a date. And that’s the last thing you want him to think you’re thinking if you don’t know whether he thinks it, too.

You both pull out your wallets. It’s not a date. He smiles. Did he smile because he’s relieved? Is he offended and the smile was fake? You assume he’s happy to be out with a friend.

You assume.

Don’t we all? And not just during maybe-dates. We do it at work and at church and at school and in grocery stores and at gyms. We do it on the road and at parties, in marriages, in families, and among friends.

But “assumptions are the termites of relationships.” (Henry Winkler)

Do you wish we could be bolder? Do you think we should?

Because if it were socially acceptable to go up to a guy or girl with whom we’d like to spend more time and say, “I like you. Can we explore that?” we’d do it. If we didn’t fear how it feels to be rejected, somebody might be more inclined to say “I’d like to take you out to dinner!” instead of “Let’s hang out!” If social norms didn’t make it so boldness freaks us out, we’d be bold. We’d be honest, with others and with ourselves.

Instead, we are too timid to be bold. We assume and we act on our assumptions. We do, therefore, what presents the smallest risk.

Are we too timid to be bold because we’re avoiding the sting we’ll feel if boldness backfires? Or does that sort of thing only sting so much because we’ve been too timid for too long?

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A version of this post originally appeared on July 22, 2010.

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9/11 firefighter went in without delay

At his kitchen counter, Tim Harrigan flipped through the yellowing, plastic pages of the scrapbook. Part is pictures he took at ground zero. The other part, clips of Newsday articles about the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks. Ten years ago, he put the book together for his kids.
“I didn’t know how long I was going to be around,” he said. He didn’t know if he’d get to tell them his story.
The 46-year-old husband, father of four and retired New York Fire Department lieutenant is tall and built, composed and matter-of-fact. He paused between pages. Until recently, the book had been in his attic.
“It’s enough that it’s on your mind all the time,” he said.
He pointed at a picture of a void in the rubble of the World Trade Center’s south tower.
“We rescued somebody out of this hole,” he said.
He turned the page and pointed at another.
“That’s where we were when Tower 7 collapsed.”

 Click here to read the rest of the story, which I wrote for the Tampa Bay Times and originally printed Sept. 11, 2011.

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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Paul Angone.

Paul-Angone-101-Secrets-for-your-Twenties-Book-Board-for-web3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Paul Angone, author of 101 Secrets for your Twenties (Moody Publishers), as well as speaker, humorist, and creator of AllGroanUp.com — a place for those asking “what now?”

AS: How did you meet your wife?

PA: Since both of us were living in California, it only made sense for my wife and I to meet in Wilmore, Kentucky. We were both right out of college, both working at our alma maters as admissions counselors, and both attending a conference for college admissions professionals in Kentucky.

The last night of the conference, over a 75-person game of hide-and-seek and a bet (long, funny story that was amazingly awkward and awkwardly amazing), we hit it off and were dating soon afterward.

The night I met her I thought she was so far out of my league that I didn’t have a chance. We were married July 6th, 2008 in San Diego. I know I’m supposed to say my wedding was the best night of my life. But…seriously it was the best night of my life. She’s still way out of my league, but please don’t remind her of this fact.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned by being married?

PA: As I write as Secret #80 in my book 101 Secrets for your Twenties, “Marriage will NOT fix any of your problems…No, marriage actually puts a magnifying glass on how many problems you really have.” Your spouse will have the amazing ability to open closet doors and find monsters you thought you’d hidden to perfection.

AS: And the second lesson?

PA: Again as I write in my book, “Marriage in your 20s feels a lot like playing House.” You envision getting married and having it all figured out. You don’t. And never will. Everybody thinks they know how to be married until they are actually married. My wife and I quickly realized–marriage doesn’t define us, we define it.

AS: And the third lesson?

PA: Whenever in doubt, do the dishes.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

PA: As my mentor told me, “”stop focusing so much on finding the right person and start focusing on becoming the right person.” This is not a challenge to be perfect. Again we’ll never have it all figured out. And it doesn’t mean we should stop intentionally looking for the right person. However, right attracts right. And the more right you are, the more right your relationship will be.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

PA: Enjoy this season. Each stage of life has it’s pros and cons. Focus on the things you love because when the next stage comes around, you might not be able to do those anymore.

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Connect with Paul Angone: Follow him on Twitter @PaulAngone.

Click here to see all the posts in this series.