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Virginity on TV.

Last night I stumbled upon Kirstie, one of TV Land’s original sitcoms whose almost-all star cast (which includes Kirstie Alley, Rhea Pearlman, and Michael Richards) is promising.

I intended to call it a night but seconds after I settled on the show, what her character Madison said of her son assaulted me:

“Twenty-six years old and still a virgin . . . The elephant man lost it before that.”

Naturally — as a 28-year-old virgin — I kept watching. Below are a few excerpts and beneath each, quick commentary:

1. “I’ve been having this problem with Arlo…”

In her dressing room (she’s a Broadway actress), Madison vents to a co-star. The problem? Her son Arlo’s virginity. I have a problem with that. For viewers, the line reinforces the misconception that not having sex necessarily says there is something wrong with you. Somebody’s virginity isn’t the problem. Somebody else’s fear of it is.

2. “I know you’re generous with your love.”

Also in her dressing room, Madison recruits her understudy — a blonde named Brittany —  to seduce her son so he can lose his virginity. The line — clearly code for “I know you have a lot of sex with a lot of people” — is an egregious misuse of the word love in a culture that doesn’t need more misuses of it. Nothing connects promiscuity to love other than perhaps a misguided quest for it.

3. “My little boy’s a man!”

Upon learning that Arlo did, in fact, have sex with Brittany, Madison beams with pride — the deed, she implied, is evidence of his manhood. But having sex doesn’t make a person a man. If it did, a lot of women would be men, too. #justsayin’. Margaret and Dwight Peterson respond to that notion this way: “Our culture glorifies sexual prowess—many people simply assume that sexual experience and personal maturity go together, and that anyone who is virginal or otherwise inexperienced is for that reason a mere child. … In reality, experience and maturity are not the same thing. It is possible to have a great deal of sexual experience and to be a thoroughly immature person, and possible likewise to have little or no experience of sexual relationship and yet to be secure and well grounded in one’s own masculinity or femininity.” -page 137 of Are You Waiting for the One?

4. “I see clearly that he has a type. . .dirty little whores.”

 Predictably, Arlo’s relationship with Brittany ends and Madison worries he’ll be bummed about it for awhile. But when he walks into the kitchen one morning, followed by a lady Madison hasn’t seen before — one who spent the night with her son — Madison opines and in doing so, perpetuates a damaging double standard: Guys can’t be men unless they have sex, but women are whores when they do.

Not cool, Kirstie. Not cool.

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Contraception and Catholicism: A Review and a Giveaway

Writing my own book hasn’t left a lot of time for reading. So when I received a copy of Contraception and Catholicism: What the Church Teaches and Why by Angela Franks, Ph.D., I thought it would have to wait. But the book — just 113 pages — looked so short I gave it a shot.

Franks identifies what the Church teaches and explains why it does with a clarity and a succinctness that exist because of the book’s brevity, not despite it. I agree with Church teaching about contraception but historically have had a hard time finding the right words to use when explaining it to somebody who doesn’t.

The book bridges the gap between us. It’s a refresher for people who practice Church teaching and an education in it for people who don’t. It’s a tool to use to refine what you’ll say when you’re faced with naysayers and a book to consider reading if you’re one of them. Plus, it’s a quick and easy read (I read it in full in less than a day!).

Below, you’ll find five of my favorite excerpts:

“The broader culture is not very healthy when it comes to sexual matters. Could it really be trusted on contraception?” -page 3

“The egoist accordingly finds it hard to see a different between the person who contracepts and the person who uses NFP to avoid pregnancy because what happens between the ears — the intention — is the same: both wish to avoid pregnancy. The action must be the same, right?” -page 52 (The answer is no — you’ll have to read the book to find out why!)

“No one is being trained to be a good spouse, but everyone is being sexualized.” -p. 75

“Our culture seems to think that abstaining from sexual activity for just about anyone, at almost any age, and in almost any condition of life, is some kind of unthinkable tragedy.” -p. 87

“One of the most important things we can do for our children is to provide an atmosphere in which the virtues of piety and chastity are possible.” -p. 98

[callout]For information about Contraception and Catholicism or to order a copy, click here.[/callout]

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Thoughts on prayer.

There is something disconcerting and something else peaceful about being silent in thought and word in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

En route to the church, I think.

I have to spill my guts to Christ, I think.

I think I have to tell him something and wait for his response, or for a blanket of warmth if it’s cold out, or something, or an inexplicable breeze if it’s not (neither has ever happened, it’s just what I think of). That this time, my prayer will be intentional and uninterrupted. No distractions.

And so in the church, I kneel, and I greet Jesus, and then I remember an email or a deadline or my attitude problem. I rein in my thoughts. I greet Jesus again, and focus firmly on the tabernacle first. Then on the giant crucifix above it. Then on how I want to be a better public speaker.

Come on, Arleen.

I greet Jesus. Again.

I want to say words, more words than the ones in my default opener…

Thank you, Lord…

…but I can’t think of any.

Which bothers part of me. The part that thinks I should be able to articulate a reason to be here, that I should gush, or at least communicate for more than a minute before my mind turns to how hungry I am or to whether I should wear my hair curly tomorrow. The part that thinks I have no excuse for this.

The other part of me thinks it’s totally ok. That’s the part that recalls how many times I have been told not to talk as much as I listen. To make what distracts me part of my prayer. That the sacrifice of being there is prayer enough, sometimes.

Again, I greet Jesus.

Sorry for the time(s) I was awake enough to watch four reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond but too tired to pray by the time I turned off the TV. Sorry for the time(s) I put the snooze button before you. For zoning out during the homily. For all my seeking first the other stuff.

I think, then, of all the other stuff.

Then I greet Jesus, again.

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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Renee Fisher.

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Renee Fisher, “an adoring wife to Marc and mom to their pit bull named Star. She is the author of four books, including Forgiving Others, Forgiving Me (Harvest House, 2013).” Renee is also the editor and founder of DevotionalDiva.com, and loves nothing more than to spur others forward. She is the creator of Quarter Life Conference, a graduate of Biola University, and a spirited speaker and author to the 30-somethings. She and Marc have been married since Oct. 15, 2011. I’m excited she’ll share three lessons and two tips:

How did you meet your husband?

I met Marc at my parent’s house. This was nothing short of a miracle because growing up, my mom always told me not to search for my husband—that he’d come to me. I didn’t realize this would literally happen. I was co-leading a growth group at my parent’s house through my church and he joined last minute. It was definitely a God thing because it was meant to be!

What’s the first lesson you’ve learned in marriage?

It’s okay to be hungry. I actually wrote about this for StartMarriageRight.com about a month after I was married. After I woke up from the Turkey induced coma of Thanksgiving, I realized that only God could fill my loneliness. It’s OKAY and NORMAL and perfectly HEALTHY to hunger and thirst for God first before your spouse. In fact, God designed it this way.

And a second lesson?

My identity is not in my spouse (or my job). I didn’t get married until I was 29, and one of the things I’ve had to learn is the things I put in place of my identity. First, it was my job. Now I find myself easily doing this with my husband. Thankfully, we are both very independent and it’s not as easy to do this with my marriage yet. However, I know this is a lesson I will be learning and re-learning.

And a third lesson?

I took the first year of marriage off from speaking. I focused all my efforts on learning how to be a wife during the first year, and I am so glad I did! During this time I was able to get healthy, go back to the gym, weed through some difficult friendships, and finally finish a book I had been working on getting published for many years. I think our culture is so obsessed with fast results that we don’t take the time we need to really learn how to live. I’m so glad I took the time to enjoy my husband because I prayed so much for him. It was a blessed year.

What’s one tip for readers who are single?

“The One” will never be as important as Jesus. I used to dream of the day I’d get married that I’m glad God allowed me to wait until He burst every naïve bubble I had of marriage. Marriage is NOTHING like I expected but everything I need it to be.

And a second tip?

You really can wait for marriage for sex. If you listen to anyone but Jesus you will fail. Even if you do fail, it is possible to try waiting again. Don’t beat yourself up.

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Connect with Renee at ReneeFisher.com.

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Talkin’ chastity on TV.

It was an honor last month to be chosen by Great 38 in Tampa to appear on an episode of Our Issues Tampa Bay, called “Young Movers and Shakers.” Host Jenn Holloway asked about my forthcoming book, what it was like to put my virginity in the newspaper, and what advice I have for viewers. Watch below if you’d like, and if you like what you watch, please share it:

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*Please ignore the definition of chastity on screen while I define chastity. The one on screen — from the dictionary — contradicts chastity’s true definition, as defined by the Church. Ain’t nobody got time for that.