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How relationships end.

I slipped into the church and slid into the pew. Another funeral.

My friend’s family followed the casket, cloaked now by a white pall with a cross on top. While we cried, our pastor spoke. Relationships, as we know them and like them to be, end in only two ways: “By choice,” he said, “or in death.”

This means relationships end, but it also means they don’t. It means to cross paths and connect is to create an association so fragile it can end because we say so, or one so durable it can’t conclude without a flatline.

Another mystery.

We are powerful and powerless.

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[Q&A – Relationships] How do I deal with her PMS?

The Q: “How do I deal with my fiancée’s PMS?” -Donald*

The A: PMS, more mouth-fully known as premenstrual syndrome, is the set of symptoms most women experience during the days before we get our periods.

They can be physical (headache, fatigue, bloating). They can be emotional (anxiety, depression, anger). They can be behavioral (eating a lot, not eating a lot, insomnia). They also can be alarming for our boyfriends, our fiancés, or our husbands. That Donald asked how to respond to PMS is indicative of the existence of his capacity to serve (and interest in serving) his fiancée in a way that meets her needs. (To which I say “Bravo!”)

How guys respond to women’s PMS probably should vary, but here are my first few suggestions:

Be available. Men exist who, upon discovering a woman is PMS-ing, check out emotionally or physically until her period passes. This is cool if she requests that space, but it is not cool to assume she wants or needs it. Women exist who, while PMS-ing, really would just enjoy watching a movie with you, for instance, which is easy and harmless and impossible for you to know if you are “busy” every time she is PMS-ing.

Actively listen. To brush off a woman’s anxiety, depression, or anger because you know she’s PMS-ing is probably a bad idea. She is not angry because she’s PMS-ing. She is more angry because she’s PMS-ing. She – in most circumstances, in my opinion and experience – would be angry about what she’s angry about anyway. So when she expresses what she feels, listen and listen actively**, so she knows you actually hear her. And when a woman is angry (or anxious or depressed), it doesn’t necessarily mean she has PMS. PMS is not a prerequisite for the existence or expression of emotion.

Ask her what she expects. (And ask her nicely.) Neither men nor women can read minds, and we are both being silly and/or unreasonable when we a) wait to receive what we really need or want without ever expressing what we really need or want or b) assume we know what somebody else needs or wants when he or she has never said and we have never asked.

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*Real guy, fake name.

**Click here for active listening tips.

Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, click here. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

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Thoughts on jealousy.

When I was 20, I sort-of-dated a bassist in a rock band.

From behind merch tables in crowded church halls, I’d watch him while he’d sign posters with Sharpies and take pictures with fans.

While he made small talk surrounded by flirty girls, I pretended not to feel what I probably usually felt:

Mildly jealous.

To be jealous in the context of dating or marriage is to “feel or show suspicion of unfaithfulness in a relationship.” To express jealousy (implicitly or explicitly) is, in my observation, on a lot of peoples’ unwritten lists of “what not to do when you’re dating.”

This is probably because the phrases “jealous person” and “crazy person” are often unfortunately used interchangeably.

This is probably preventable, especially before you’re married.

Best case scenario is to discuss what is and isn’t appropriate in the eyes of somebody else before you marry him or her. If you think his or her expectations of you are unreasonable, don’t get married.

But what if you’re pretty committed or already married?

If you feel jealous because of something your significant other or spouse does, it could be for one of a couple of reasons: because he or she is being unfaithful, or because you associate what he or she does with unfaithfulness (regardless of whether the two are truly connected).

That you feel what you feel is neutral. It is neither bad nor good. What’s bad or good is what you do with it.

You could harbor your feelings for fear he or she will call you crazy if you express them, or you can communicate with him or her authentically. You could irrationally decide you’re certain what he or she does is indicative of infidelity, or you can tell him or her what happens in your head when he or she does it.

If your significant other or spouse feels jealous because of something you do, it could be for one of the same couple of reasons: because you’re being unfaithful, or because he or she associates what you do with unfaithfulness (regardless of whether the two are truly connected).

If you aren’t being unfaithful, and don’t associate what you do with unfaithfulness, his or her suspicions will probably bother you.

That his or her suspicions bother you is neutral, too. It is neither bad nor good. What’s bad or good is what you do with it.

You could call him or her crazy, or you can respond with respect for and sensitivity to his or her feelings and thoughts. You could refrain from modifying your behavior out of pride or principle (i.e., “I will not stop doing X because X does not mean I am unfaithful.”), or you can patiently work with your him or her (and with a counselor when necessary) to strengthen or rebuild trust regardless of whether what you did warranted a rift.

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[Guest Post] Should Catholics only date Catholics?

Guest blogger Anthony Elias and his soon to be wife, Jackie!

When I was enrolled at my evangelical Protestant seminary, I knew it was important for me to date and eventually marry someone who was of the same evangelical (“non-denominational”) Christian faith. Pastor Mark Driscoll had even persuaded me that I needed to find someone who was of a similar evangelical flavor (“it doesn’t make sense to have your wife praying in tongues at the dinner table while you’re trying to cast out her demon.”)

After emotionally leaving the seminary because I wanted to become Catholic, there was no doubt in my mind that if God did not call me to become a priest, I would marry a Catholic. If Jesus Christ and His Church were the most important things in my life, how could I even think about marrying someone who wouldn’t share that same joy with me? CatholicMatch.com sounded like a fantastic idea, and I was beyond blessed to meet Jackie within days of being on the site (she’s the greatest blessing of my entire life and we’re getting married on June 1).

I’ve been surprised to find a different mentality among many faithful Catholics in the pews. Several young women have asked me if I converted to Catholicism because of Jackie and are disappointed when I say no because, they say, “my boyfriend is non-denominational and we’re trying to figure out what we would do with kids and going to church and stuff.” I like to call this the most predictable problem ever. Many seem to think that if cupid points them to someone with good vibes and they “fall in love,” then that person is the one, no matter if he or she is of the same religion or even has a basic belief in God. Others don’t think very hard about the fact that dating can lead to marriage (“I just want to know them a little better,”) and are eventually confronted with “the most predictable problem ever.”

Instead of being a typical overzealous convert and answering the post’s title, “Yes, of course, and no amount of inspiring stories would convince me otherwise,” let’s see what the Catholic Church says. (A caveat: the following is for Catholics who believe that Jesus Christ founded his Church and gave the apostles and their successors the authority to proclaim doctrine and practice. If these are “man-made rules” to you, I would recommend “What’s Your Authority” and other articles about apostolic succession on Catholic.com)

from the Catechism of the Catholic Church

Paragraphs #1633-1637 in the Catholic Catechism address what is called “mixed marriage” and “disparity of cult.” Mixed marriage is a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic Christian, while “disparity of cult” describes a Catholic marrying a non-Christian. As long as the couples are marrying in the Catholic Church and are willing to raise the children in the Church, mixed marriage and disparity of cult are not explicitly forbidden, though disparity of cult is especially discouraged. However, as you can read below, the “difficulties of mixed marriage must not be underestimated,” and the marriage can lead to “religious indifference” (all religions are the same, right? How important is the Eucharist?).

In conclusion, should Catholics only date Catholics? The Catholic Church does not give an unequivocal answer, so I can’t say more than that. However, the Church does say, IT MAY BE A BAD IDEA, THINK HARDER ROMEO, and that’s advice we all could use.

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About the blogger: Anthony Elias writes at www.evangelicaltocatholic.com . Feel free to contact him on Facebook, Twitter, and Google +.

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[Q&A – Dating] How do I know if the feelings are mutual?

The Q: How do I know if the feelings are mutual when I’m interested in someone?

The A: The short answer: You’ll know by the time you need to know.

The long answer: Sometimes we want to know now whether he or she likes me or he or she doesn’t, that our expectations align, that the meaning I attach to my experience is the same as the meaning he attaches to his.

In either case, we might over think, or dissect and diagnose. We poll our friends for their opinions about what it means that a guy didn’t respond to your text, or that a girl didn’t favorite your tweet. We want for Action A + Action B to = Best Case Scenario (as far as our opinions are concerned).

But your friends aren’t mind readers (and neither are you). There is no formula.

Our pursuit of one – or of “signs,” or of a friend’s opinion that turns out to be fact – might be fruitless. In it, a person eludes the only two reliable sources for the answers to his or her questions:

Time, and the person we want to date.

When you aren’t sure the person you like likes you back, consider this:

“Wait and see” isn’t as bad as it sounds. Patience is not the antithesis to persistence. Patience is part of persistence.

And if you really need to know now…

Ask.

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This post is part of an occasional series called Q&A. Click here to read all the posts from it.