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[Q&A – Dating] What does it really mean when she (or he) says “we should just be friends?”

The Q: From a guy, about a girl: “At first she seemed very interested. Then somehow, she got scared or had second thoughts or something. I must have come on too strong. … If she says she wants to be ‘just friends’ right now, does that mean I have to not talk to her any more?” -Michael*

The A: There are two versions of my answer to this question. First, the long one: One of my favorite quotes, from George Bernard Shaw, says “the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

My hunch is that’s what’s happened here.

This reminds me of the time I let a guy take me out twice and after date two, I knew: I couldn’t be more than his friend. Afraid to hurt his feelings, I dropped a gentle hint or two, intending to imply the following:

I definitely don’t want to date you.

He didn’t pick up what I tried to put down. And that I expected him to is absurd, because people can’t read minds. But the point is this: explicit communication is key. We can’t assume somebody knows exactly what we mean if we haven’t told them exactly what we mean.

And this is not to say Michael’s girl doesn’t want to date him. It’s to say that as far as Michael’s concerned, she hasn’t told him exactly what she means.

And since I’m not her, I can’t say for sure whether “I want to be ‘just friends’ right now” means she doesn’t want to hear from him. Which is why this is my short answer:

Ask her the same question.

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Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, email me at arleenwrites@gmail.com or leave it in the comments. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

*Real person, fake name.

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

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[Q&A – Dating]: Why would a guy flirt but never ask me out?

The Q:  From a woman, regarding men: “What is up with guys who flirt, but never make a move? He’ll flirt. I’ll flirt back. That’s it. What’s his hold-up?” -Emily*

The A: Few quirks in a guy frustrate a woman like his habit of flirting with her for no apparent reason (if you’re me, anyway, so I feel Emily’s pain). Frankly, flirting is fun, but it gets old when it’s with a guy who doesn’t attempt to pursue a relationship.

This is because flirting communicates something. When I flirt, I use body language and/or other words to say “I kinda have a thing for you.” It’s only natural, then, that when a guy flirts with me, I assume he’s saying “I kinda have a thing for you,” too.

But what if he isn’t? Maybe the hold up for some of the guys who flirt but don’t “make a move” is that they flirt because it’s fun, and not at all because it’s step one in their pursuit of a relationship. If a flirt flirts solely for fun, however, he (or she!) essentially says, “Here,” to the person with whom he or she flirts, “Have this expectation (the expectation, that is, that we’re probably on the verge of eating chicken piccata at a fancy restaurant while we pretend we haven’t Googled** each other).”

Then he or she never delivers.

But my guess is just a guess. Emily’s question would be answered better by people whose insight here is better than mine:

MEN.

So here are a couple quick answers from a couple male friends and fellow bloggers:

Chris Schumerth: “Well, there isn’t ‘one answer’ to this, of course, but at least two possibilities come to mind, both of which too many men would undoubtedly deny. First of all, men are capable of being confused. It could be that he’s sort of interested but can’t decide if he’s really interested. The second thing that comes to mind, and this one’s probably the bigger of the two, is that mutual flirting doesn’t make facing rejection any easier! It’s hard to go out on a limb and ask a girl out!”

J.Q. Tomanek: Men are from Venus but we understand in Martian. When I flirt with my wife and she flirts back, I get the “flirt” but for some reason misfire on the follow-up. Guys can diagnose what kind of bird is flying during dove season, invented Morse code, and can translate a third base coach’s signal, but when it comes to reading women we need it LOUD, clear, and direct. At least for me, I take more risks with my wife when I have greater certainty that I know what she wants or expects.

A third guy whose feedback I sought shares more thoughts in an upcoming guest post. (Check back tomorrow!)

Edit 10/19/12: Click here to read the guest post in response to Emily’s question.

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Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, email me at arleenwrites@gmail.com or leave it in the comments. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

*Real person, fake name.

**For the record, I do Google guys but I never pretend I don’t. 🙂

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[Q&A: Relationships] If our feelings fade, is it real love?

The Q: From a guy, regarding a girl in his life: “I like her. Well, more than that. But I know I’m not ready to date. So, we decided to be friends. … I’m scared if we don’t talk about our feelings and just be friends, our feelings will go away. But, love is stronger than that, right? Like, if this is love, then it will continue to grow naturally, without having to always say, ‘I love ya,’ right?” -James*

The A: What James is really afraid of – or so says my hunch – is not that the feelings will fade. He’s afraid of what it means if they do. And that requires a long answer.

According to the brilliant Pope John Paul II – and as fabulously paraphrased in a book by Edward Sri – there are a couple sets of a couple kinds of love (not a typo). There’s subjective love and objective love and there’s immature love and mature love.

Subjective love is emotional (sentimentality!) and physical (sensuality!). It is the part of love widely described as warm and fuzzy. It’s based on what happens to you, both spontaneously and suddenly. And “no matter how intensely we experience these sensations, it is not necessarily love, but simply ‘a psychological situation.’ In other words, on its own, the subjective aspect of love is no more than a pleasurable experience happening inside of me.” (Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love, page 56)

Objective love is what exists between you and somebody else in reality (not as filtered by the lenses that are clouded by those sudden, spontaneous sensations). It’s a fact, not a feeling. It’s based on a virtuous friendship, the pursuit of a common good, seeking what’s best for your beloved, self-giving, commitment to and a sense of responsibility for the other person (as paraphrased from Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love, page 59).

Immature love looks inward. The immature lover is “absorbed in his own feelings. Here, the subjective aspect of love reigns supreme. He measures his love by the sensual and emotional reactions he experiences in the relationship.” –Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love, page 79

Mature love looks outward, in two ways. First, it isn’t based on feelings, but on the truth about the other person, on commitment to that person (as a result of the truth) and on selflessness. Second, the mature lover “actively seeks what is best for the beloved. The person with a mature love is not focused primarily on what feelings and desires may be stirring inside him. Rather, he is focused on his responsibility to care for his beloved’s good. He actively seeks what is good for her, not just his own pleasure, enjoyment and selfish pursuits.” And the “emotions still play an important part, but they are grounded in the truth of the other person as he or she really is (not my idealization of that person).” –Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love, pages 79-80

And as I gather (from Sri and from JP2), subjective, immature love propels a person into a relationship because of feelings, and it isn’t real love. Objective, mature love compels a person to remain in a relationship when there are feelings and when there aren’t, and it is real love.

Which brings us back to James.

He said he’s afraid his feelings will fade, and asked whether love’s stronger than that, and whether – if it’s love – it’ll grow on its own.

Which I sum up like this: If our feelings fade, is it (objective, mature) love?

You’ll know the answer if and when they do.

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Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, email me at arleenwrites@gmail.com or leave it in the comments. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

Click here to read more about Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love by Edward Sri.

*Real person, fake name.