Posted on

Thoughts on the Boston College condom controversy.

You may have heard the news:

A bunch of Boston College students might be disciplined by administration at the Catholic university for passing out condoms on campus. The controversial move, made by school officials and supported by Catholicism, sparks the sort of debate that kind of makes my blood boil.

This is for reasons including but not limited to the following (in very random order).

1. IT IS FRUITLESS.

2. Fact: The Catholic Church is opposed to contraception. Awhile ago, I watched a set of Catholic college students (that is, students who attend Catholic colleges, not college students who are Catholic) give impassioned speeches about lack of access to contraception at Catholic colleges on C-Span. One student said what she expects is access to free contraception on her Catholic campus. To quote a woman who recently wrote an op-ed about Boston College’s current debate, I can’t believe “this is even a thing,” (although she and I can’t believe it for different reasons).

3. I saw a news clip earlier in which a woman all but said that Boston College’s policy — which I haven’t seen in print, but assume says students can’t widely distribute condoms on campus — implies students of Boston College can’t use condoms. But there is no such rule. This is not about a Catholic campus saying you can’t use a condom on a Catholic campus (a Catholic campus would be silly to try). It’s about a Catholic campus saying condoms can’t be distributed on a Catholic campus. Which makes sense, because it’s Catholic. (Refer to line one of point 2.)

4. I see a lot of “being mad at the Church” because it doesn’t validate definitions of love or sex that don’t align with what it says about them. But I promise: the Church isn’t mad at you for doing the same thing.

5. What bothers me most about the debate is the presumption that because “86, or 99, or whatever percent” of Catholic women use contraception, the Catholic Church’s teaching on it is bad, and the Church ought to change what it teaches (God forbid being part of the Church changes you). This is evidence of the Church misunderstood. Of the misinformed expectation that the size of a faction of the Church determines whether the Church alters what it teaches.

The Church is what it is. You love it or you don’t (but that you don’t isn’t going to change the Church).

Posted on

Sex! And other stuff. | 03.25.13

This post is part of the Sex! And other stuff. series. Click here for more information.

– – – –

Love and Responsibility: I am VERY excited to report an advanced copy of Pauline Books and Media‘s new translation of my favorite book arrived last week. Love and Responsibility is a brilliant book written by Pope John Paul II before he was pope. Anybody who ever intends to get married ought to read it. The publisher releases the book for real in April. I’ll try, try, try to read it all before it’s released. Might not happen. But since my hunch is I am gonna love it, click here to pre-order your own copy.

Sex outside marriage v. sex inside marriage: Fellow blogger Jamie the Very Worst Missionary wrote a fabulous post in favor of loving instead of shaming the people who haven’t saved sex for marriage. Best part of the post, though, is this: “Sex matters. It’s the most vulnerable thing you’ll ever do with another human being. Commitment breeds intimacy, and intimacy is what makes sex freaking amazing. I’m not gonna lie, you can have hot sex outside of a committed relationship – but mostly it’s gonna be like… clumsy… and goopy… and ew. The better you know your partner, the better your sex will be. So basically what I’m saying is that wedding night sex is kinda “Meh.”, and five years sex is all “Yes!”, but 18 years sex is like “WOAH!!!” So go ahead and wait. Wait and enjoy the waiting, and then bask in all those learning experiences with your most trusted friend.” Click here to read the whole post.

 Virginity in Tampa: Stumbled upon a story in The Oracle, my university’s student paper (for which I worked for a year while I was an undergrad!). First line says this:  “A recent survey has found that women are choosing to lose their virginity later in life.” By later in life, The Oracle means age 20. Sigh. The study it cites surveyed 77,000+ women, including 4000+ in Tampa. “While a study from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University says the average age women lose their virginity is 17,” the story says, “Tampa women say the ideal age to lose it is 20.” Click here to read the story.

Posted on

Sex! And other stuff. | A new series.

Greetings, readers! Quick post to introduce an incoming series. Mondays on the blog (starting tonight!), you’ll find a post called Sex! And other stuff. with snippets of sex and other stuff I concocted, stumbled upon, or am otherwise compelled to shout at you across the interweb. 

Got a post you wrote or read about sex or other stuff and think I should quote or discuss it in a future post? Send it to arleenwrites at gmail dot com or paste the link in a comment on any Sex! And other stuff. post.
Stay tuned, and thanks for reading.

-Arleen

Posted on

[Interview] Sex-free screenwriter, director, and author Monique Matthews.

MG_0021Late last year, I stood in front of a mic in a Tampa recording studio where, through headphones, I listened to Monique Matthews talk sex from a studio across the country.

She and I were two of three ladies invited as guests for a segment on NPR’s nationally syndicated Tell Me More to chat about our choices to save sex.

Matthews – screenwriter, director, and author of the book Sex Free: A (not so) Modern Approach to Dating and Relationships – is from New York City, lives in Los Angeles, and has worked in entertainment journalism and as managing editor for a national hip-hop publication.

Matthews, who hasn’t always practiced abstinence, is excited to celebrate her eighth year of celibacy this month. She recently graciously agreed to chat more with me about her choice to abstain from sex:

AS: Are you religious (and is your decision to practice abstinence at all rooted in your religious beliefs)?

MM: I am a practicing Christian who realizes that God’s commands are not to hurt, but to strengthen me, shield me from any harm, and enable me to enjoy life in abundance.

AS: How has life changed for you since making the decision to practice abstinence?

MM: Being sex free has impacted my life in many ways, big and small. One of the ways my sex free lifestyle has impacted me most is by strengthening my discernment skills. More specifically, eliminating sex allows me to see the depths of my attraction to someone. If it’s a largely sexual attraction, I know to let the potential interaction go. If it’s more than that, I do my best to be present and “show up” as the relationship unfolds.

Another way that being sex free has helped me is that it has increased my self confidence. I am valuable. Sharing my heart, time, and values with someone else is more than enough. If he doesn’t feel this way, then he’s missed out on a really great opportunity to know someone who’s fun, intelligent, resourceful, and willing to go to Hades and back for someone I love.

Finally, and most importantly, it has strengthened my walk with God. I can talk to Him about anything, including being horny. He knows his child. He knows how to strengthen me, so that I can put the flesh to rest, when it’s warring against me and wanting me to do nothing but feed it. I also know that I don’t have to hide anything from Him, for He cares for me. And, more and more each and every day, I see His faithfulness.

AS: When we were on NPR’s Tell Me More together, you talked about working in industries that aren’t conducive to saving sex, like screenwriting and entertainment journalism. Why exactly is it difficult to be “sex free” if a person is part of those industries?

MM: I am a screenwriter and director. Prior to that I was a magazine editor for a music magazine. As such I’ve worked primarily in areas where “sex sells.” Most popular music insists that having sex, often as much as possible, is not only fun and enjoyable, it is often a key to a woman’s equality. By this I mean that women are often considered equal to a man if they have casual sex without developing emotional attachments. Being risque is often associated with being sexy, as the listing of weekly Pop Top 20 charts will confirm. As a student in film school, many guest speakers would tell us the litmus test of deciding whether someone had “made it,” namely, “Women want to be like you and men want to f@#k you.” This does not mean that you have to sleep with every and anyone to be accepted; it suggests that one remember to use her sexuality as a tool, in addition to other talents, including writing, directing and producing.

AS: How do you manage to be “sex free” in your industry?

MM: Everything starts with a decision. Once you decide what you will and won’t do, you learn how to exist and thrive in any given setting.

AS: Regardless of the industries in which we work, we live in a culture in which being “sex-free” isn’t the norm. How can people who want to practice abstinence practice it regardless of what the world around them says?

MM: The first and most important reason is to decide what abstinence means for you. I believe sex, in its essence, is a fun, exciting and wonderful way to connect with another human being. If one chooses a sex-free lifestyle, the length of time is often based on that person. For some, particularly those guided by strong religious beliefs, it is until they are in a covenant relationship. For others who need healing from past relationships and/or may be in pursuit of a goal, it may be for a season until they can get a handle on whatever is preventing them from having fulfilling relationships and/or lives. It largely depends on the individual. Though I am a believer, I do not believe that the benefits of being sex free, which includes increased discernment, confidence, discipline, patience, and learning non-sexually based ways to show love, concern and consideration for a partner should be contained to the Christian community. Just as it’s widely agreed upon in society, whether one follows the Judeo-Christian tradition or not, that the Ten Commandments are a “good idea,” being sex free can work for anyone, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof.

AS: Is there anything I didn’t ask about, that you’d like to add about sex, abstinence, or relationships?

MM: One’s decision to become sex free, for whatever length of time one decides, is not easy, but it is worth it. Understand that tough days and nights will come. Do not run away from them nor deny them. Instead, allow them to strengthen you. As Romans 5: 3 – 4 encourages, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation (NLT).”

– – – –

Sex Free: A (no so) Modern Approach to Dating and Relationhips is available in paperback for $9.99 and as a digital download for $5.99 at Amazon.com. Special autographed paperbacks are available for $9.99 at sexfreebook.com.

Click here to like Matthews’s book on Facebook.

Click here to follow Matthews on Twitter.

Click here to listen to Matthews, Lisa Marziali, and me on NPR’s Tell Me More.

Posted on

[Q&A – Marriage] Doesn’t pre-marital living together work for some people?

Last week, in a guest post called “On Moving In Together” on Devotional Diva, I challenged the practice of pre-marital living together.

For some, I wrote, “cohabitation is a litmus test. If it works, you get married. If it doesn’t, you don’t. Because (for them,) it’s better to say ‘I’ll love you if…’ instead of ‘I’ll love you despite what’s yet to come…’ For others, cohabitation is like a practice run. If you like it, you commit. If you don’t like it, you call it quits.”

A response to the story sparked this, the latest installment of Q&A:

 The Q: “What about couples who live together, get married, and are together the rest of their lives? Couldn’t you argue that it works some, but not all, of the time?” -Corinna

The A: I am certain there are couples who cohabit, marry later, and live as happily ever after as humanly possible. But I won’t argue that it therefore works for some and not for others. This is because “living together before marriage” is not the “it” that works for the couples whose marriages last. Love is the only “it” that works. Some couples who cohabit have it, and others (I’d argue most) don’t.

Click here to read “On Moving In Together.”