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[Guest Post] Stephanie Calis: A case for chastity.

[callout]This post is one in a series of guest posts to appear Mondays while I recover from writing the book. 😉 Enjoy![/callout]

The year after I graduated college, I got to live my dream: talking to people about sex, and getting paid for it. Seriously. My time as a chastity speaker taught me how to actually articulate my conviction that being pure in one’s thoughts, words, and actions, while saving sexually intimate acts for marriage, is one of the surest paths to authentic love and a fulfilling life. It was a conviction I’d long felt, but could never quite verbalize.

A few weeks ago, an acquaintance messaged me, expressing that while she’s 100% on board with the idea of chastity, she wonders sometimes why it’s worth it when finding the One, and a chaste One at that, feels impossible. Actually putting reasons for chastity into words, I found, can be a huge source of encouragement when it seems like there’s no one out there like you and you’re wondering whether to just give up on the whole thing. As a speaker, I like to think I avoided the whole Mean Girls, don’t-have-sex-or-you’ll-get-pregnant-and-die approach, and though I wasn’t perfect at it, I also like to think I came to a few conclusions about a better approach, one that appeals not just to religion or morals, but to the heart.

I firmly believe every finite pursuit on this earth, sex included, is the pursuit of the infinite, something beyond ourselves and this life, whether one realizes it or not. There’s a longing in every human heart. Chastity, I think, really does help us aim that longing in the most fulfilling earthly direction. So, it’s with this in mind that I humbly present a practical, reason-based case for chastity:

It safeguards the future of your relationship. Studies show that couples who sleep together before marriage have higher rates of divorce and marital infidelity. Those who live together beforehand risk a “cohabitation effect” of staying in unfulfilling relationships longer than they would otherwise, and are statistically more likely to divorce than couples who did not cohabitate. Of course, there are lots of factors in why a relationship might end, but if you’re serious about the person you love, why not give yourselves the best possible fighting chance? Everyone wants to find love. No one hopes their love will end in a breakup or divorce.

Chastity makes sense within the natural order of things. Almost anyone can recognize there’s a natural order, and therefore natural outcomes. If we go against that order, natural consequences result–no matter how much I want to fly, for instance, the result of my trying will be falling from the sky every time. Taking sex out of the natural order has its consequences, too: before contraception was legalized in 1958, there were 3 known STI’s. Today, about five decades after the sexual revolution, there are over 50.

What’s more, oxytocin, the body’s bonding hormone, is released in greatest quantities during and after sex. Biologically, it’s intended to bond us to one person, forever. With each new sexual partner, the quantity of oxytocin released is a little lower, which erodes one’s ability to experience the fullness of that bond. Neither decreased bonding nor the proliferation of STI’s is anyone’s punishment; they’re the natural result of engaging in sex with more than one partner.

It lets you fall in love with your eyes wide open. Studies show that oxytocin also tends to make men and women see their partners more favorably, aiding in the forgiveness of flaws and boosting perceived attractiveness, helping the couple to stick together. That’s great in a lifelong marriage; not so great in a relationship that might be problematic. Without the blinders sex can introduce to a dating relationship, you’re better able to see the person you’re dating for who they are. Should you discern your relationship isn’t headed for forever, it’s easier to walk away.

But I’m not saying this to scare you. The title character of Edith Wharton’s Ethan Frome cheats on his wife with her cousin, and he and the cousin both end up paralyzed in a sledding accident. Hello, scare tactic (Edith Wharton: the Mean Girls sex ed teacher of 1911?). But chastity isn’t about fear. Abstinence is a series of “no’s,” and can lead one to live in fear of making a mistake or expressing love in the wrong context. Chastity does you one better. It’s not saying no, but saying yes: yes to putting the good of the other before your own, yes to love instead of lust. Anyone can start doing that today, no matter where he or she has been. That’s the beauty of chastity: you can always start over, virgin or not. Living purely and authentically as a man or woman, living a chaste life, has such power to heal and restore.

Speaking of saying yes: Consider a person who can’t discipline her sexual desires. What does it mean when this person says “yes” to sex? Nothing. It simply means she can’t say no. But for the chaste individual, someone who can and who has said no to everyone else (beginning at whatever point he’s chosen chastity), can truly mean “yes” to his spouse; his yes takes on deep meaning and intention.

You’re free. Truly. In my opinion, chastity and our identity as sexual beings goes far beyond what we’re doing (or not doing) in bed. They’re about who we are as men and women. True, living out chastity means you’re free from worries about pregnancy, STI’s, and certain regrets, but what’s more, I’ve found you become more and more able to be content with yourself, knowing your standards and sustaining your hope, and better able to rise above lies the culture tells us about how we should act, look, and date.

Chastity takes boldness and fortitude. The payoff is a more integrated heart and will, body and soul. Integration taps into the relationship between desire and the good. The closer what we want and what’s best for us are aligned and integrated, the happier we’ll be.

Integration. Sounds a lot like integrity.

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About the blogger:  Born a hop, skip, and jump from the Chesapeake Bay, Stephanie Calis now resides in Appalachia, thanks to love. Her sweet husband Andrew teaches English there. She delights in bike rides, good books, puddle jumping, The Avett Brothers, hammocks, avocados, and Andrew’s many argyle sweaters. She is thirsty. Knowing so many others are, too, she spent a missionary year with Generation Life speaking to students about human dignity and authentic love. Her passion is telling young women they possess immense worth and that pure, sacrificial love is real; she thinks a truthful understanding of sex and love is medicine for an aching culture. Stephanie blogs about love and wedding planning at Captive the Heart.

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Thoughts on dating (a surprise post!).

I announced recently that I will return to blogging on Dec. 30. Surprise! I miss blogging, so I’m taking advantage of a lunch break to jot some thoughts I want to share while they are fresh (incomplete though they may be):

While I work lately on a chapter that covers what life is like when you’re single, I have observed in myself and others, past and present, how content we are to start or end relationships based on sensual experiences. I have always written about this, but there is more to it than I thought. When we understand that relationships aren’t supposed to start (or end!) based solely on a sensual reactions to interactions with a person, we need not solely say “there has to be more” but we need to know what more there could be. First we have to like a person for more reasons than “I enjoy how I feel when I have his or her attention.” Then we have to have bad days with people we like and we have to be able to decide on bad days that this pursuit is good.

The magnitude of this is kind of intense. In the guest post on the blog today, John Janaro wrote we ought to marry people who are willing to suffer with us and with whom we’d be willing to suffer. This is brilliant and horrifying because I’m pretty sure people in our culture are far more likely to marry somebody because getting to know him or her involved less suffering than getting to know other people did.

I think most of us have half of this down: we are willing to suffer in long-term relationships with people whose red flags we continue to deny, or we start relationships for good reasons but quit when days are bad or boring.

Having a handle on both starting and staying because we should is probably the hardest part of dating in our culture.

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[Guest Post] John Janaro: A meditation on marriage vows.

JohnEileenJanaroPicThis post is one in a series of guest posts to appear Mondays until I finish writing the book. Enjoy!

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My wife and I married “late” (I was 33, she was 29). We were (and still are) best friends and also in love. Our married life has been a tremendous blessing. We love each other a million times more than on our wedding day. But we would also say that on that wedding day we had absolutely no idea of what the next 17+ years were going to be like. What has mattered most has not been “romance” or “being a perfect fit” (which never happens, although its a blessing to be a “good fit” in temperament and such). What has mattered is that we shared a commitment to Christ in the Church, that we trusted each other, and that we really felt “secure” with each other.

When people marry young they may have to build more of this trust and security as they mature together. I do think that older singles are more able to perceive that a relationship has a solid disposition and foundation for trust and security. These words may not sound very exciting, but they are the bedrock for fidelity. If you have this, and then it’s consecrated in Christ by the sacrament and its profound graces, you will discover that married love is deep and strong and difficult and enduring and forgiving.

My recommendation for singles young and older alike is to meditate on the marriage vows. “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health…” Don’t try to imagine what this will mean for you, because you can’t. It’s impossible. But you can look at the other person with an awareness of the fidelity you are going to promise to him (or her if you’re a man — men should do this too). And you can ask yourself (simply, not with scrupulosity), “Do I trust that when this person makes this promise to me, he/she really means it and will be able to keep it?”

“Good times and bad” — let’s be clear here: there WILL be bad times. The surprising thing is that “bad times” more often doesn’t have to do with misunderstandings and arguments and inter-relational dynamics (these happen, but they can be worked through). “Bad times” comes from the fact that STUFF HAPPENS in life. The hardest things are the stuff that comes from “outside,” that you have to face together. Someone loses their job. That’s a tough one. Problems in “the family” — a parent gets old and needs love and attention (perhaps a lot). This is very hard. It changes the way you live together.

“Sickness and health….” Most healthy young people barely think about these words when they say them. This is not about chicken soup and colds. People can get really sick. Spouses have to be primary caregivers. If you’re a woman, you will have health issues that your husband won’t understand. If the husband becomes disabled and can’t work, he will be emotionally shattered in a way that he will have difficulty communicating to his wife, or even admitting to himself. Disability is something we’ve learned a lot about in our marriage. But everyone faces health problems. If nothing else, people get older and they change physically and emotionally. And they suffer. It’s important to marry someone who will suffer with you, and with whom you are willing to suffer. There’s nothing “romantic” about the daily, ordinary, often banal suffering that you will have to share. But it’s there that your love grows as trust, commitment, and fidelity. But this is not a cold thing. A real and deep affection is born within this love. You begin to see the other person more deeply.

The mind blowing fact is that marriage is not just about you and your spouse. In a few years, God willing, you will be changing and adapting your lives in ways you never imagined. There are gonna be these other little people. They will need you both and they will need you together; they will change you so fundamentally that they will give you new names that will last forever: “Mommy” and “Daddy”! (Which later change to “Mom” and “Dad”.)

God willing, you’ll have a nice bunch of kids. But “kids” is an abstraction. These are going to be particular human persons who are “your children.” They will stretch you beyond anything you thought was possible for yourself, and they will make you work so hard, but they are so worth it! Don’t be afraid, because marriage is a sacrament and the grace that shapes your family flows from it. We have five kids, and three are teenagers. It’s an ongoing, wild and wonderful adventure, this family, these people mysteriously entrusted to one another.

It turns out those wedding vows are a commitment to the radical possibility of welcoming other human persons into your lives… permanently. It is a way of giving yourselves to God, through each other and through the awesome mystery of His creative freedom and love.

Its worth “holding out,” for the sake of marrying someone you trust and who trusts you. Lots of things can be “worked out” in married life, but trust is basic. Marry a person worthy of your trust, and of course trust in God. It is Jesus who establishes and sustains the bond that unites you. If you are not yet married, He calls you to use discernment in who you choose to marry. He will also guide you. His Holy Spirit will lead you. Mary will be a Mother to your heart and bring you wisdom.

Going on 18 years ago, I married the love of my life. We trusted the Lord, and in Him we trusted each other. Through that trust, and five kids and so many unforeseen changes of circumstances and health, our love continues to grow.

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About the blogger:  John Janaro is Associate Professor Emeritus of Theology at Christendom College. He is a Catholic theologian, and a writer, researcher, and lecturer on issues in religion and culture. His most recent book is NEVER GIVE UP: MY LIFE AND GOD’S MERCY. He is married to Eileen Janaro and has five children. Visit his blog at johnjanaro.com and follow him on Twitter.

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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Lisa Hendey.

ND-20133 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Lisa Hendey, “the founder and webmaster of CatholicMom.com and the author of A Book of Saints for Catholic Moms: 52 Companions for Your Heart, Mind, Body and Soul and The Handbook for Catholic Moms: Nurturing Your Heart, Mind, Body and Soul. She married her husband, Greg, in 1986. I’m excited she took the time to share with us:

AS: Where did you meet and marry your husband? 

LH: Greg and I met as juniors at the University of Notre Dame. We had mutual friends and would occasionally see each other while crossing campus. We began dating in the Fall of our senior year. We were married a year after our graduation from Notre Dame, on May 31, 1986 at the Basilica of the Sacred Heart on campus. As you can imagine, being married at our University was a blessing not only for us, but also for our family and friends. The Basilica is such a special place! An Irish priest – Msgr. Michael Collins – who was a lifelong family friend of mine from California officiated at our wedding.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned by being married?

LH: Keep God at the center of your marriage. Continually pray for one another and with one another.

AS: And the second lesson?

LH: Enjoy each other. Greg and I don’t have identical interests, but we’ve learned to enjoy each other’s favorite pastimes. This enables us to spend our leisure time with one another, rather than away from each other. I’m not saying by any means that we are constantly together – we both have active careers and hobbies we enjoy. But we strive constantly to put our relationship first. Have fun with one another!

AS: And the third lesson? 

LH: Maintain open lines of communication, especially when you are most busy. Do not make important decisions without speaking with each other. Have stressful conversations in private, rather than in public.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

LH: Don’t rush into anything and do not compromise your values simply because you desire a relationship.

AS: And a second tip for singles?

LH: Remember that God has a perfect plan for your life! Pray for his will – not your own – to unfold in his time. Pray for the grace to be open to life’s adventures as they come. Use the extra time you may have to serve the world around you.

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Connect with Lisa: Follow her on Twitter @LisaHendey.

Click here to read all the posts in this series.

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[Guest Post] Abby from Spirit FM: How motherhood taught me to respect all God’s kids.

abbyThis post is one in a series of guest posts to appear Mondays until I finish writing the book. Enjoy!
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The other day I caught myself thinking unkind thoughts about someone. I honestly can’t remember who it was or what I was thinking, but I do remember what made me stop what I was doing: Being a mom.

Several years ago my best friend and I were talking about people we saw at the local Wal-Mart who were less than clean and not using the most polite language. Let me just say, I’m not proud of this conversation, and I don’t have any problem with Wal-Mart. I shop there all the time. Back to the point, we were putting them down and she said, “Well, they’re God’s children, too.”

She’s right.

That comment is so elementary but we sometimes cast off the simple stuff when we become more “spiritually mature.” It has stayed with me for years and has taken on an entirely different meaning now that I’m a mom.

You see, the fastest way for someone to get to my heart is to be nice to my kids. And conversely, the fastest way to my bad side is to be mean to them. I took Liam to the play area at the mall a few months ago and he waved and said hello to another mom. She did a half-smile and kind of rolled her eyes at him. Excuse me? Did you not see, feel and hear the cuteness that was coming at you just then? What’s wrong with you, lady? In a split second, she became my worst enemy.

I am so in love with my kids that whatever is done to them is done to me. When someone is mean to them, I hurt. When someone is kind to them, I feel all warm and fuzzy and want to give that person a big hug.

So if I say something rude about someone, I’m doing to God what the play area mom did to me. Yikes. Not good.

Thankfully, God is way more forgiving and understanding than I am, but that isn’t a green light to speak unkindly to or about one of his kids. I want God to always want to give me a big hug, not be in pain because of my unkind words. Just like me, the way to God’s heart is to be kind to his children. It’s so elementary and so “what it’s all about” all at the same time.

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This post originally appeared on Spirit FM’s Mom Squad blog and was used with permission.

About the blogger: Abby Brundage is the morning show host and promotions director at Spirit FM 90.5, Tampa Bay’s Hit Christian Music! She lives in Seffner, Fla. – a suburb of a suburb of Tampa. It’s a sub-suburb! She has been married to her husband Josh since 2008 and they have two adorable sons. Click here to read her Spirit FM Mom Squad blog.