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[Interview] Sex therapist Dae Sheridan.

daeA couple summers ago, I yelled “gonads!” across a classroom of laughing grad students. We wiped tears and covered red faces while during the first session of our human sexuality class, we shouted all the sex words we knew. Our professor – sex therapist Dae Sheridan – made a list of them on the board.

If we can get used to the words a person might associate with sex, she said, we can become counselors who can keep straight faces while the clients across from us use them.

The class, as it turned out, is among the best I ever took. Dr. Dae – who is brilliant and one of my mentors – agreed to talk with me about saving sex for marriage. Grateful!

AS: Rumor has it “nobody saves sex for marriage.” Is that true?
Dr. Dae: I absolutely don’t think that no one does! There might not be as high of a percentage of people who are waiting until marriage, (but) I do see an increase in people who are waiting to be in loving, committed relationships. Sex is everywhere, to sell everything, so its perceived that everybody’s doing it, but not really everybody is doing it.

AS: Are there advantages to saving sex for marriage? (If so, what are they?)

Dr. Dae: Having that trust in each other, that commitment, is huge. It creates that sense of being on the same page, being this person’s partner and teammate. If you’re talking about (saving sex until marriage), you’re obviously talking about it. You (potentially) have a working, healthy vocabulary about sexual matters. So many people are doing “it” but not talking about it. In our culture, we have a stigma still associated with talking openly about sexual matters. People don’t have really solid sexuality education, they don’t feel at ease discussing sexuality or sexual matters but they’re engaging in sexual activity. It’s crucial to be able to talk about your needs, concerns, and desires with your partner in order to have a happy, healthy, exciting, fun, mutually agreeable sex life.

AS: Have you had clients who’ve saved sex for marriage (and generally speaking, what’s the most common reason a couple that saved sex might make an appointment with a sex therapist)?

Dr. Dae: Absolutely. That’s quite common in my office. The (first of the) top two reasons is the mechanics of sex. They feel like they’re just not getting it right. How your bodies may work sexually (is) newfound knowledge. It’s about practicing new skills. The second thing is messages you may have about sex. For so long, this is a thing you were not going to do. For many there is a negative connotation, that sex is bad, sex is dirty. All of a sudden, you’re supposed to do this with the love of your life, it’s supposed to be the most wonderful thing. A lot of my clients struggle with the letting go. People who save sex are more likely to talk about it, but some of them leave it at “we’re not going to do this.” The ones who don’t talk about it because they’re embarrassed or feel guilty or there’s shame involved have a much harder time learning about their bodies, sharing with their partner.

Working with those couples (is) one of the most fun cases because they are so open to it, they’re ready to learn, they are committed to it, and they’re finally giving themselves that permission. (It’s) teaching them the ropes, giving them resources and ways they can look at this in a different way and have some fun with it and feel good about themselves and their choice. I reiterate what a great choice (it was) and how wonderful (waiting) was for them. Now it’s about working with the couple to find out what they want their sexual relationship to look like. My job, too, is talking to them about finding ways to enjoy it now that they’re doing it.

AS: What would you say to somebody who waited and is concerned that what happened on the wedding night didn’t look or feel like the media says it should?

Dr. Dae: I educate my clients (about) what real sex looks like. It’s different for everybody, and every body. It almost never looks like it does in the movies. This is a fantasy you have been sold. All of that is a less safe way to have sex. Whether it is TV, movies, or pornography, real sex doesn’t look like that all the time, especially not the first time, ever.

AS: What should everybody who waits know before the wedding night?

Dr. Dae: Of course it’s something to look forward to and be excited about, but so many people don’t express that they’re nervous. It’s like, “I can’t wait!” but they’re really shaking in their boots. Meanwhile, the other person is thinking the same exact thing. How can you not be nervous about that? People do have nerves and worries about “Will it really be OK? Will I be able to give of myself in this way openly, and how’s it going to go physically? Will they like the way I look?” It’s really important to communicate honestly about your hopes, your expectations, and your fears. Talk to each other, lower your expectations for the first time, and if you are struggling with it, be open to talking to someone, whether it’s (about) mechanics or logistics or anatomy or pleasure. Like any skill, we have to practice to obtain mastery of this skill. There’s going to be that awkward time, and it’s not going to be choreographed. Just have fun knowing your bodies are going to make all sorts of noises. You may or may not get it right.

In church, they talk about (wedding night sex) being amazing. (But) it won’t be this magical firework display that we’re told it will be. It wont be amazing the very first time just because it’s your very first time. It really is unbelievably rare for a first time to be like that. (What’s amazing is that) you took that much time caring for yourself, and not just going willy nilly because everybody’s doing it. That you’ve made a commitment to yourself, to God, and to your partner, that you’re going to follow the tenets that are put forth. It is difficult in this day and age, with the pressures and the feeling that everyone’s doing it. You are holding yourself to a higher standard and that is to be commended.

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Dr. Dae is a licensed psychotherapist, board certified clinical sexologist, and certified rehabilitation counselor. She has been a sex educator since 1996, a therapist for 16 years, and a sex therapist since 2002. She is an adjunct professor at the University of South Florida and an assistant clinical professor at the American Academy of Clinical Sexology. Visit her online at DrDae.com.

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Thoughts on the Boston College condom controversy.

You may have heard the news:

A bunch of Boston College students might be disciplined by administration at the Catholic university for passing out condoms on campus. The controversial move, made by school officials and supported by Catholicism, sparks the sort of debate that kind of makes my blood boil.

This is for reasons including but not limited to the following (in very random order).

1. IT IS FRUITLESS.

2. Fact: The Catholic Church is opposed to contraception. Awhile ago, I watched a set of Catholic college students (that is, students who attend Catholic colleges, not college students who are Catholic) give impassioned speeches about lack of access to contraception at Catholic colleges on C-Span. One student said what she expects is access to free contraception on her Catholic campus. To quote a woman who recently wrote an op-ed about Boston College’s current debate, I can’t believe “this is even a thing,” (although she and I can’t believe it for different reasons).

3. I saw a news clip earlier in which a woman all but said that Boston College’s policy — which I haven’t seen in print, but assume says students can’t widely distribute condoms on campus — implies students of Boston College can’t use condoms. But there is no such rule. This is not about a Catholic campus saying you can’t use a condom on a Catholic campus (a Catholic campus would be silly to try). It’s about a Catholic campus saying condoms can’t be distributed on a Catholic campus. Which makes sense, because it’s Catholic. (Refer to line one of point 2.)

4. I see a lot of “being mad at the Church” because it doesn’t validate definitions of love or sex that don’t align with what it says about them. But I promise: the Church isn’t mad at you for doing the same thing.

5. What bothers me most about the debate is the presumption that because “86, or 99, or whatever percent” of Catholic women use contraception, the Catholic Church’s teaching on it is bad, and the Church ought to change what it teaches (God forbid being part of the Church changes you). This is evidence of the Church misunderstood. Of the misinformed expectation that the size of a faction of the Church determines whether the Church alters what it teaches.

The Church is what it is. You love it or you don’t (but that you don’t isn’t going to change the Church).

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[Interview] Sex-free screenwriter, director, and author Monique Matthews.

MG_0021Late last year, I stood in front of a mic in a Tampa recording studio where, through headphones, I listened to Monique Matthews talk sex from a studio across the country.

She and I were two of three ladies invited as guests for a segment on NPR’s nationally syndicated Tell Me More to chat about our choices to save sex.

Matthews – screenwriter, director, and author of the book Sex Free: A (not so) Modern Approach to Dating and Relationships – is from New York City, lives in Los Angeles, and has worked in entertainment journalism and as managing editor for a national hip-hop publication.

Matthews, who hasn’t always practiced abstinence, is excited to celebrate her eighth year of celibacy this month. She recently graciously agreed to chat more with me about her choice to abstain from sex:

AS: Are you religious (and is your decision to practice abstinence at all rooted in your religious beliefs)?

MM: I am a practicing Christian who realizes that God’s commands are not to hurt, but to strengthen me, shield me from any harm, and enable me to enjoy life in abundance.

AS: How has life changed for you since making the decision to practice abstinence?

MM: Being sex free has impacted my life in many ways, big and small. One of the ways my sex free lifestyle has impacted me most is by strengthening my discernment skills. More specifically, eliminating sex allows me to see the depths of my attraction to someone. If it’s a largely sexual attraction, I know to let the potential interaction go. If it’s more than that, I do my best to be present and “show up” as the relationship unfolds.

Another way that being sex free has helped me is that it has increased my self confidence. I am valuable. Sharing my heart, time, and values with someone else is more than enough. If he doesn’t feel this way, then he’s missed out on a really great opportunity to know someone who’s fun, intelligent, resourceful, and willing to go to Hades and back for someone I love.

Finally, and most importantly, it has strengthened my walk with God. I can talk to Him about anything, including being horny. He knows his child. He knows how to strengthen me, so that I can put the flesh to rest, when it’s warring against me and wanting me to do nothing but feed it. I also know that I don’t have to hide anything from Him, for He cares for me. And, more and more each and every day, I see His faithfulness.

AS: When we were on NPR’s Tell Me More together, you talked about working in industries that aren’t conducive to saving sex, like screenwriting and entertainment journalism. Why exactly is it difficult to be “sex free” if a person is part of those industries?

MM: I am a screenwriter and director. Prior to that I was a magazine editor for a music magazine. As such I’ve worked primarily in areas where “sex sells.” Most popular music insists that having sex, often as much as possible, is not only fun and enjoyable, it is often a key to a woman’s equality. By this I mean that women are often considered equal to a man if they have casual sex without developing emotional attachments. Being risque is often associated with being sexy, as the listing of weekly Pop Top 20 charts will confirm. As a student in film school, many guest speakers would tell us the litmus test of deciding whether someone had “made it,” namely, “Women want to be like you and men want to f@#k you.” This does not mean that you have to sleep with every and anyone to be accepted; it suggests that one remember to use her sexuality as a tool, in addition to other talents, including writing, directing and producing.

AS: How do you manage to be “sex free” in your industry?

MM: Everything starts with a decision. Once you decide what you will and won’t do, you learn how to exist and thrive in any given setting.

AS: Regardless of the industries in which we work, we live in a culture in which being “sex-free” isn’t the norm. How can people who want to practice abstinence practice it regardless of what the world around them says?

MM: The first and most important reason is to decide what abstinence means for you. I believe sex, in its essence, is a fun, exciting and wonderful way to connect with another human being. If one chooses a sex-free lifestyle, the length of time is often based on that person. For some, particularly those guided by strong religious beliefs, it is until they are in a covenant relationship. For others who need healing from past relationships and/or may be in pursuit of a goal, it may be for a season until they can get a handle on whatever is preventing them from having fulfilling relationships and/or lives. It largely depends on the individual. Though I am a believer, I do not believe that the benefits of being sex free, which includes increased discernment, confidence, discipline, patience, and learning non-sexually based ways to show love, concern and consideration for a partner should be contained to the Christian community. Just as it’s widely agreed upon in society, whether one follows the Judeo-Christian tradition or not, that the Ten Commandments are a “good idea,” being sex free can work for anyone, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof.

AS: Is there anything I didn’t ask about, that you’d like to add about sex, abstinence, or relationships?

MM: One’s decision to become sex free, for whatever length of time one decides, is not easy, but it is worth it. Understand that tough days and nights will come. Do not run away from them nor deny them. Instead, allow them to strengthen you. As Romans 5: 3 – 4 encourages, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation (NLT).”

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Sex Free: A (no so) Modern Approach to Dating and Relationhips is available in paperback for $9.99 and as a digital download for $5.99 at Amazon.com. Special autographed paperbacks are available for $9.99 at sexfreebook.com.

Click here to like Matthews’s book on Facebook.

Click here to follow Matthews on Twitter.

Click here to listen to Matthews, Lisa Marziali, and me on NPR’s Tell Me More.

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Why “The Bachelor” Sean Lowe’s marriage isn’t doomed.

The blogosphere has been abuzz about all the sex The Bachelor isn’t having.

This started when America discovered that Sean Lowe, this season’s star of ABC’s The Bachelor, is a “born again virgin” – somebody who is saving sex from now on for marriage. And Lowe’s marriage, according to blogger Mary Fischer, is doomed because of it.

His nonmarital abstinence is “pretty much a major buzz kill,” she wrote. Not sleeping with the people you date is a big risk, she implied, and Lowe should have premarital sex for the sake of his marriage.

“If two people don’t have good sexual chemistry and aren’t at all compatible between the sheets, then odds are good there will be some other aspect of their lives where they don’t mesh, which will lead to a whole host of problems that potentially could have been avoided if only they’d done the deed beforehand,” Fischer wrote. “Seriously, how bad would it suck to finally give in to temptation on your wedding night only to find that your spouse doesn’t exactly know how to (ahem) press your buttons? Talk about ruining the big moment entirely.”

To which I write this:

  • Odds are good that characteristics of a successful relationship far more fundamental than “good sex” are missing if a couple is unwilling to work for compatibility between the sheets if compatibility between the sheets isn’t intuitive.
  • Working for compatibility requires patience. Chastity, “a decision to die to self and to selflessly love (or to die trying),” is great practice.
  • How bad would it suck if wedding night sex was about “giving in to temptation?”
  • That your brand new spouse doesn’t know how to “press your buttons” isn’t a problem if you and he or she are willing to communicate, to learn, and to practice.
  • The big moment isn’t what happens in bed on your wedding night. It’s what happens on the altar at your wedding.
And if Lowe agrees, his marriage isn’t doomed because of it.

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Click here to read what Fischer wrote about Sean Lowe’s doomed marriage.

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[Love and Responsibility] Part 3: The magnitude of sex (and how contraception distracts us from it).

This post is part 3 in a sex and love series based on what I learned from my favorite parts of the brilliant book Love and Responsibility by Blessed Pope John Paul II. All quotes, unless otherwise noted or used for emphasis, come from the book.

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I have not forgotten the confirmation class at which a married couple taught us about sex.

“Sex is for babies and bonding,” they said.

…Which is a simple way to explain the purpose of sex – equal parts procreation and unity – to an awkwardly silent room full of high school freshmen.

But we grew up in a culture that disagrees. A culture that says sex is primarily for pleasure, that a baby is a side effect, and that if you don’t use contraception, you wind up like the Duggars.

But, says JP2, here’s what happens when you do:

1. “Neither in the man nor in the woman can affirmation of the value of the person be divorced from awareness and willing acceptance that he may become a father and she may become a mother.” 

In other words, contraception is the rejection of fertility, and according to JP2, rejection of a person’s fertility can’t be part of the affirmation of the value of a person. In suppressing fertility, one may affirm the value of parts of a person, but not of the person as a whole.

 2. “If the possibility of parenthood is deliberately excluded from marital relations, the character of the relationship between the partners automatically changes. The change is away from unification in love and in the direction of mutual, or rather bilateral, ‘enjoyment’.” 

When the purpose of sex is primarily pleasure, it is by default at least self-focused in part, i.e. it is at least in part about what I get out of it (and self-focusedness doesn’t foster unity). Some say this is a farce, that “my partner’s pleasure is more important to me than mine.” But if your pleasure is “bound up in” somebody else’s, when somebody else doesn’t experience pleasure, neither do you. Which is a problem when the purpose of sex is pleasure.

3. “Willing acceptance of parenthood serves to break down the reciprocal egoism – (or the egoism of one party at which the other connives) – behind which lurks the will to exploit the person.” 

Contraception makes sex “safe.” Controlled. Predictable. (Albeit sometimes falsely). In the process, we are given permission to relinquish forethought. To act on any urge. To feel ok about having sex when we only want to have sex for self-focused reasons. Relinquishing control of fertility, on the other hand, requires us to acknowledge the magnitude of what we’re doing. To embrace the potential that this might make you a dad, and me a mom. In the process, we are necessarily perpetually pointed toward something other than self. We are given permission (and courage) to consider that sex is greater, and more powerful, than “it feels good.”

Other important points:

  • Practicing Catholics believe we aren’t supposed to unite with someone because it’s pleasurable to have sex with them, but to create a pleasurable sexual relationship with the person to whom we are permanently united.
  • “Contraception implies you should always be able to have sex whenever you want it, that it’s purely recreation. You’re able to exclude creation from (sex) at will. The Catholic Church teaches that it’s ok to have sex when you’re not fertile, (but) it’s not ok to turn off your own fertility.” -Dustin Riechmann
  • NFP is a fabulous method of family planning that requires a couple to work with the body, instead of against it.
  • The Duggars don’t use NFP (and if you do, you won’t wind up with 20 kids if 20 kids isn’t your goal).

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Click here to read all the posts in this series.