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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Dan Brennan.

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Dan Brennan, a blogger and author of Sacred Unions, Sacred Passions: Engaging the Mystery of Friendship Between Men and Women. Grateful he took the time to share three lessons he learned in marriage and two tips for single people:

AS: How did you meet your wife?

 DB:  I went to visit a friend who had begun her freshman year in a college three hundred miles from home. She introduced me to her friend, Sheila, who was a Christian teaching mathematics at the college. We met on Saturday, February 21, 1981. I was a taxi driver at the time with three college credits to my name. Sheila was on the verge of getting her doctorate. We were married on October 17, 1981.

AS: What’s the first lesson you’ve learned in marriage?

DB: Learn to cherish the beauty in your spouse and your marriage. Don’t get distracted by how-to manuals or roles but learn to cherish the presence of God revealing himself through the beauty of your spouse and your marriage. Learn to see where beauty dwells in your relationship and in your spouse. What keeps a marriage flourishing is learning to nurture a deep attraction in your spouse beyond the romantic intensity stage. Embracing beauty in your spouse and marriage through the years after you been together means you will enjoy the deep pleasure of each other’s presence years after the romantic intensity has faded.

AS: And a second lesson?

DB: Learn to cherish the friendship of marriage. We all know about the challenge of romantic passion diminishing. Nurturing an ongoing friendship with your spouse is not the same thing as trying to keep the romantic passion alive. Learn to cherish your spouse as your friend and you’ll go through seasons of passion and seasons of solid togetherness. Cherishing your spouse as a friend means you learn to delight in the other as you share life together. It is a seasoned orientation of tenderness, affection, and reverence toward our spouse as a friend. Seeing our spouses as our friend means we will learn to cherish someone who is similar to us and different from us.

AS: And a third lesson?

DB: Learn to tolerate misattunements through change and difference. Starry-eyed newlyweds tend to believe they know each other enough to stay married forever. But all encounter change, growth, and difference as they journey together as a marital couple. There are going to be misattunements where we long for communion with our spouse on a specific issue (political, spiritual, and so on) that means much to us and our spouse will not be able to meet us there. Cherishing beauty and friendship will go a long way in helping us tolerate the misattunements we are going to encounter.

AS: What’s one tip for readers who are single?

DB: Learn to savor and cherish beauty in your present life. Learn to receive God’s beauty and delight in you through the sacraments, friendships, family, community, and vocation. Deep beauty (which is found in God’s presence) is not something you have to wait to experience.

AS: And a second tip?

DB: Learn to cherish your friends now. It’s a virtue that teaches you how to relish and treasure people who are similar to you and different from you. Do not buy into the line that cherishing is for romantic couples only. Cherish your friends. You will discover that cherishing is something you can experience before marriage and within marriage.

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Connect with Dan: Click here to visit his blog.

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3 Lessons and 2 Tips from Renee Fisher.

3 Lessons and 2 Tips is a series of interviews in which some of my favorite people (and probably some of yours) share three lessons they’ve learned by being married, plus two tips for single people.

This edition features Renee Fisher, “an adoring wife to Marc and mom to their pit bull named Star. She is the author of four books, including Forgiving Others, Forgiving Me (Harvest House, 2013).” Renee is also the editor and founder of DevotionalDiva.com, and loves nothing more than to spur others forward. She is the creator of Quarter Life Conference, a graduate of Biola University, and a spirited speaker and author to the 30-somethings. She and Marc have been married since Oct. 15, 2011. I’m excited she’ll share three lessons and two tips:

How did you meet your husband?

I met Marc at my parent’s house. This was nothing short of a miracle because growing up, my mom always told me not to search for my husband—that he’d come to me. I didn’t realize this would literally happen. I was co-leading a growth group at my parent’s house through my church and he joined last minute. It was definitely a God thing because it was meant to be!

What’s the first lesson you’ve learned in marriage?

It’s okay to be hungry. I actually wrote about this for StartMarriageRight.com about a month after I was married. After I woke up from the Turkey induced coma of Thanksgiving, I realized that only God could fill my loneliness. It’s OKAY and NORMAL and perfectly HEALTHY to hunger and thirst for God first before your spouse. In fact, God designed it this way.

And a second lesson?

My identity is not in my spouse (or my job). I didn’t get married until I was 29, and one of the things I’ve had to learn is the things I put in place of my identity. First, it was my job. Now I find myself easily doing this with my husband. Thankfully, we are both very independent and it’s not as easy to do this with my marriage yet. However, I know this is a lesson I will be learning and re-learning.

And a third lesson?

I took the first year of marriage off from speaking. I focused all my efforts on learning how to be a wife during the first year, and I am so glad I did! During this time I was able to get healthy, go back to the gym, weed through some difficult friendships, and finally finish a book I had been working on getting published for many years. I think our culture is so obsessed with fast results that we don’t take the time we need to really learn how to live. I’m so glad I took the time to enjoy my husband because I prayed so much for him. It was a blessed year.

What’s one tip for readers who are single?

“The One” will never be as important as Jesus. I used to dream of the day I’d get married that I’m glad God allowed me to wait until He burst every naïve bubble I had of marriage. Marriage is NOTHING like I expected but everything I need it to be.

And a second tip?

You really can wait for marriage for sex. If you listen to anyone but Jesus you will fail. Even if you do fail, it is possible to try waiting again. Don’t beat yourself up.

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Connect with Renee at ReneeFisher.com.

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Thoughts on men and their emotions.

Last month, a fellow blogger asked me what I — as a woman — think it means to be a man. So in a comment on his blog, I wrote the following:

I could write a whole post (and perhaps I will after I finish my book!). But here’s what comes to mind at first: A man uses words to communicate. He does what he says he’s going to do. He understands emotion to be a human thing, not a woman thing, and expresses his own. If he was raised not to express emotion, he makes an effort as an adult to unlearn what he learned (even if with the help of a licensed therapist). He has integrity, which means he doesn’t do stuff (or makes a concerted effort to avoid doing stuff) in private that doesn’t align with his public image. He practices chastity and knows love is a choice as opposed to a feeling.

Another of the blogger’s readers left a comment regarding mine:

Actually, in this, you’re buying into the mindset that tries to turn men into hairy women. No one *teaches* men to “not express emotion” — it is a natural result of being in control of yourself, which is the masculine ideal. Furthermore, no one, needs, nor even wants, “men” who wear their emotions on their sleeves, least of all women [sic]. When it comes to emotions, the world was better off when women worked to emulate what comes naturally to men, by keeping a lid on theirs. Instead, most “women” thesa days mentally junior-high school girls [sic] … as are far too many so-called men.

These are my thoughts on that:

  • To my readers who are men: IGNORE HIM. You are not a hairy woman if you express emotion. You are a person who functions. A “masculine ideal” that doesn’t let you be who you are or feel what you feel is a crock of you know dang well what. Reject it.
  • No one needs men who wear emotions on their sleeves? Reminder: Jesus wept.
  • Words like the ones written by that reader are the reason an 11-year-old boy I once met is more likely to put his fist through a wall than to cry when he’s upset. By telling boys “crying is for wimps,” you don’t encourage strength. You set them up to be alarmed by feelings when feelings arise (and they will). You discourage the development of their abilities to manage emotion, because you can’t learn to manage what you aren’t allowed to experience.
  • Emotion is human. The moment you call expression of it weak, it becomes strong: evidence of a willingness to go against the grain — a grain manufactured by people like the guy who wrote the comment. (A willingness, which, for the record, is totally attractive.)
  • Women don’t want men who express emotion? First, men can’t tell women what women want. Stop it. Second, if I wind up with a guy who cries when he proposes or commits on an altar to intertwining his entire life with mine, or when our kids are born or our pets and loved ones die, or the Fresh Prince rerun we’re watching happens to be particularly heart wrenching, GOOD. I’ll cry with him.
  • The writer posits that men aren’t supposed to express emotion because not expressing emotion is “a natural result of being in control of yourself, which is the masculine ideal.” It is good, regardless of gender, to be in control of yourself. And it is normal to have emotions. But it is flawed to imply it is a loss of self-control to express them.
  • Perhaps the people who have lost control of self are not the ones who express emotion, but the ones who don’t. Who is in control when what you will or won’t do is based on what other people think of you?
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Why I write what I write.

I sit tonight at a probably 10′ long table alone, along a wall in Starbucks, because when I got here, it was the only available table close to an outlet. I haven’t plugged my computer in yet, distracted so far by the patrons to my right — a stepmother and adult stepdaughters, who sip seasonal beverages and discuss the family’s patriarch.

Who they suspect is involved in infidelity.

Who has been unfaithful before.

Who isn’t happy.

“I can’t say I’m in it for the long haul,” stepmother warned. Stepdaughters understood. I understand, too.

This — a real life representation of relationships at nearly their worst (It could be worse.) — hurts my heart. And my soul. And my head.

This is why I write what I write: Not solely because marriages disintegrate, but because marriages still start that are going to disintegrate. Because marriages that are going to disintegrate don’t actually have to start. I write what I write because “marriage is the new ‘going steady'” and isn’t designed to be. I write what I write because love is far greater than our culture says it is, and somebody has to say it.

When I write it is with the hope and prayer that readers who are married receive whatever they need to start to rebuild or reinforce a marriage’s foundation; with the hope and prayer that readers who are single and mingling receive what they need to discern when to stop or start a relationship; with the hope and prayer that readers who discern marriage don’t do it if disintegration is likely, or an option; with the hope and prayer that readers who are single for good will know it doesn’t mean life for them is loveless.

And your prayers while I write are appreciated.

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[Guest Post] John Janaro: A meditation on marriage vows.

JohnEileenJanaroPicThis post is one in a series of guest posts to appear Mondays until I finish writing the book. Enjoy!

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My wife and I married “late” (I was 33, she was 29). We were (and still are) best friends and also in love. Our married life has been a tremendous blessing. We love each other a million times more than on our wedding day. But we would also say that on that wedding day we had absolutely no idea of what the next 17+ years were going to be like. What has mattered most has not been “romance” or “being a perfect fit” (which never happens, although its a blessing to be a “good fit” in temperament and such). What has mattered is that we shared a commitment to Christ in the Church, that we trusted each other, and that we really felt “secure” with each other.

When people marry young they may have to build more of this trust and security as they mature together. I do think that older singles are more able to perceive that a relationship has a solid disposition and foundation for trust and security. These words may not sound very exciting, but they are the bedrock for fidelity. If you have this, and then it’s consecrated in Christ by the sacrament and its profound graces, you will discover that married love is deep and strong and difficult and enduring and forgiving.

My recommendation for singles young and older alike is to meditate on the marriage vows. “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health…” Don’t try to imagine what this will mean for you, because you can’t. It’s impossible. But you can look at the other person with an awareness of the fidelity you are going to promise to him (or her if you’re a man — men should do this too). And you can ask yourself (simply, not with scrupulosity), “Do I trust that when this person makes this promise to me, he/she really means it and will be able to keep it?”

“Good times and bad” — let’s be clear here: there WILL be bad times. The surprising thing is that “bad times” more often doesn’t have to do with misunderstandings and arguments and inter-relational dynamics (these happen, but they can be worked through). “Bad times” comes from the fact that STUFF HAPPENS in life. The hardest things are the stuff that comes from “outside,” that you have to face together. Someone loses their job. That’s a tough one. Problems in “the family” — a parent gets old and needs love and attention (perhaps a lot). This is very hard. It changes the way you live together.

“Sickness and health….” Most healthy young people barely think about these words when they say them. This is not about chicken soup and colds. People can get really sick. Spouses have to be primary caregivers. If you’re a woman, you will have health issues that your husband won’t understand. If the husband becomes disabled and can’t work, he will be emotionally shattered in a way that he will have difficulty communicating to his wife, or even admitting to himself. Disability is something we’ve learned a lot about in our marriage. But everyone faces health problems. If nothing else, people get older and they change physically and emotionally. And they suffer. It’s important to marry someone who will suffer with you, and with whom you are willing to suffer. There’s nothing “romantic” about the daily, ordinary, often banal suffering that you will have to share. But it’s there that your love grows as trust, commitment, and fidelity. But this is not a cold thing. A real and deep affection is born within this love. You begin to see the other person more deeply.

The mind blowing fact is that marriage is not just about you and your spouse. In a few years, God willing, you will be changing and adapting your lives in ways you never imagined. There are gonna be these other little people. They will need you both and they will need you together; they will change you so fundamentally that they will give you new names that will last forever: “Mommy” and “Daddy”! (Which later change to “Mom” and “Dad”.)

God willing, you’ll have a nice bunch of kids. But “kids” is an abstraction. These are going to be particular human persons who are “your children.” They will stretch you beyond anything you thought was possible for yourself, and they will make you work so hard, but they are so worth it! Don’t be afraid, because marriage is a sacrament and the grace that shapes your family flows from it. We have five kids, and three are teenagers. It’s an ongoing, wild and wonderful adventure, this family, these people mysteriously entrusted to one another.

It turns out those wedding vows are a commitment to the radical possibility of welcoming other human persons into your lives… permanently. It is a way of giving yourselves to God, through each other and through the awesome mystery of His creative freedom and love.

Its worth “holding out,” for the sake of marrying someone you trust and who trusts you. Lots of things can be “worked out” in married life, but trust is basic. Marry a person worthy of your trust, and of course trust in God. It is Jesus who establishes and sustains the bond that unites you. If you are not yet married, He calls you to use discernment in who you choose to marry. He will also guide you. His Holy Spirit will lead you. Mary will be a Mother to your heart and bring you wisdom.

Going on 18 years ago, I married the love of my life. We trusted the Lord, and in Him we trusted each other. Through that trust, and five kids and so many unforeseen changes of circumstances and health, our love continues to grow.

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About the blogger:  John Janaro is Associate Professor Emeritus of Theology at Christendom College. He is a Catholic theologian, and a writer, researcher, and lecturer on issues in religion and culture. His most recent book is NEVER GIVE UP: MY LIFE AND GOD’S MERCY. He is married to Eileen Janaro and has five children. Visit his blog at johnjanaro.com and follow him on Twitter.