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[Q&A – Dating] Doesn’t dating serve the same purpose as cohabitation?

The Q: “You called cohabiting a litmus test, like a litmus test is a bad thing. But don’t we do the same thing when we date? We kind of are ‘trying out’ marriage. What’s the huge difference?” -Alexandrea

The A: The short version of my answer is this: If in dating we are “trying out” marriage, we better hope we are dating right. But here’s the long version:

To quote what I wrote in the essay on DevotionalDiva.com that sparked this question, “For (some), cohabitation is a litmus test. If it works, you get married. If it doesn’t, you don’t. Because it’s better to say ‘I’ll love you if…’ instead of ‘I’ll love you despite what’s yet to come…’ For others, cohabitation is like a practice run. If you like it, you commit. If you don’t like it, you call it quits.”

In our culture, dating largely involves rose colored glasses and committing because “I think you’re hot and I kind of want to have sex with you.” Our relationships can live or die by how constantly we’re warm and fuzzy. We live together (until it’s difficult) and sleep together (unless in doing so we learn that achieving sexual compatibility will take work). There is more thought dedicated to text messages you intend to send a guy (based solely on your friends’ answers to questions like “What would YOU think of this phrase if you were him?”) than there is thought dedicated to whether his skills are transferable to, say, parenting.

In our culture (and in my observation) there is no huge difference between why many couples decide to cohabit and why many couples decide to date (and why most couples don’t wait until after the wedding for sex, while we’re at it).

This is a problem.

This is not a problem because it renders chaste daters’ decisions not to cohabit or have sex totally moot (it doesn’t).

It’s a problem because of what it says about how we date.

Alexandrea is right: In dating, we test for stuff. If we didn’t test for some things, I would have married the first guy I dated (and he wore eyeliner, so…*). This is really to say that litmus tests aren’t necessarily bad (i.e., “You can’t save sex for marriage? Then I can’t marry you.”). But our culture tells us to use the wrong methods to test for the wrong stuff.

Our culture says cohabitation and premarital sex are the best tests.

Our culture also says “test for how constantly and consistently you feel warm and fuzzy” instead of for how constantly and consistently he or she does what he or she says he or she’s gonna; “for how easy it is to live together” instead of for how willing and able he or she is to work through conflict; “for how effortless gratification is” instead of for how patient he or she is.

It is good to “test” in dating, but we’ve got to test for the right stuff. When we test for the right stuff, we create a huge (and important) difference between cohabiting and dating.

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This post is part of an occasional series called Q&A. Click here to read all the posts from it.

*In the event he stumbles upon this, JK. You were a in a band. It was acceptable.

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Thoughts on jealousy.

When I was 20, I sort-of-dated a bassist in a rock band.

From behind merch tables in crowded church halls, I’d watch him while he’d sign posters with Sharpies and take pictures with fans.

While he made small talk surrounded by flirty girls, I pretended not to feel what I probably usually felt:

Mildly jealous.

To be jealous in the context of dating or marriage is to “feel or show suspicion of unfaithfulness in a relationship.” To express jealousy (implicitly or explicitly) is, in my observation, on a lot of peoples’ unwritten lists of “what not to do when you’re dating.”

This is probably because the phrases “jealous person” and “crazy person” are often unfortunately used interchangeably.

This is probably preventable, especially before you’re married.

Best case scenario is to discuss what is and isn’t appropriate in the eyes of somebody else before you marry him or her. If you think his or her expectations of you are unreasonable, don’t get married.

But what if you’re pretty committed or already married?

If you feel jealous because of something your significant other or spouse does, it could be for one of a couple of reasons: because he or she is being unfaithful, or because you associate what he or she does with unfaithfulness (regardless of whether the two are truly connected).

That you feel what you feel is neutral. It is neither bad nor good. What’s bad or good is what you do with it.

You could harbor your feelings for fear he or she will call you crazy if you express them, or you can communicate with him or her authentically. You could irrationally decide you’re certain what he or she does is indicative of infidelity, or you can tell him or her what happens in your head when he or she does it.

If your significant other or spouse feels jealous because of something you do, it could be for one of the same couple of reasons: because you’re being unfaithful, or because he or she associates what you do with unfaithfulness (regardless of whether the two are truly connected).

If you aren’t being unfaithful, and don’t associate what you do with unfaithfulness, his or her suspicions will probably bother you.

That his or her suspicions bother you is neutral, too. It is neither bad nor good. What’s bad or good is what you do with it.

You could call him or her crazy, or you can respond with respect for and sensitivity to his or her feelings and thoughts. You could refrain from modifying your behavior out of pride or principle (i.e., “I will not stop doing X because X does not mean I am unfaithful.”), or you can patiently work with your him or her (and with a counselor when necessary) to strengthen or rebuild trust regardless of whether what you did warranted a rift.

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[Guest Post] Should Catholics only date Catholics?

Guest blogger Anthony Elias and his soon to be wife, Jackie!

When I was enrolled at my evangelical Protestant seminary, I knew it was important for me to date and eventually marry someone who was of the same evangelical (“non-denominational”) Christian faith. Pastor Mark Driscoll had even persuaded me that I needed to find someone who was of a similar evangelical flavor (“it doesn’t make sense to have your wife praying in tongues at the dinner table while you’re trying to cast out her demon.”)

After emotionally leaving the seminary because I wanted to become Catholic, there was no doubt in my mind that if God did not call me to become a priest, I would marry a Catholic. If Jesus Christ and His Church were the most important things in my life, how could I even think about marrying someone who wouldn’t share that same joy with me? CatholicMatch.com sounded like a fantastic idea, and I was beyond blessed to meet Jackie within days of being on the site (she’s the greatest blessing of my entire life and we’re getting married on June 1).

I’ve been surprised to find a different mentality among many faithful Catholics in the pews. Several young women have asked me if I converted to Catholicism because of Jackie and are disappointed when I say no because, they say, “my boyfriend is non-denominational and we’re trying to figure out what we would do with kids and going to church and stuff.” I like to call this the most predictable problem ever. Many seem to think that if cupid points them to someone with good vibes and they “fall in love,” then that person is the one, no matter if he or she is of the same religion or even has a basic belief in God. Others don’t think very hard about the fact that dating can lead to marriage (“I just want to know them a little better,”) and are eventually confronted with “the most predictable problem ever.”

Instead of being a typical overzealous convert and answering the post’s title, “Yes, of course, and no amount of inspiring stories would convince me otherwise,” let’s see what the Catholic Church says. (A caveat: the following is for Catholics who believe that Jesus Christ founded his Church and gave the apostles and their successors the authority to proclaim doctrine and practice. If these are “man-made rules” to you, I would recommend “What’s Your Authority” and other articles about apostolic succession on Catholic.com)

from the Catechism of the Catholic Church

Paragraphs #1633-1637 in the Catholic Catechism address what is called “mixed marriage” and “disparity of cult.” Mixed marriage is a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic Christian, while “disparity of cult” describes a Catholic marrying a non-Christian. As long as the couples are marrying in the Catholic Church and are willing to raise the children in the Church, mixed marriage and disparity of cult are not explicitly forbidden, though disparity of cult is especially discouraged. However, as you can read below, the “difficulties of mixed marriage must not be underestimated,” and the marriage can lead to “religious indifference” (all religions are the same, right? How important is the Eucharist?).

In conclusion, should Catholics only date Catholics? The Catholic Church does not give an unequivocal answer, so I can’t say more than that. However, the Church does say, IT MAY BE A BAD IDEA, THINK HARDER ROMEO, and that’s advice we all could use.

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About the blogger: Anthony Elias writes at www.evangelicaltocatholic.com . Feel free to contact him on Facebook, Twitter, and Google +.

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[Q&A – Dating] How do I know if the feelings are mutual?

The Q: How do I know if the feelings are mutual when I’m interested in someone?

The A: The short answer: You’ll know by the time you need to know.

The long answer: Sometimes we want to know now whether he or she likes me or he or she doesn’t, that our expectations align, that the meaning I attach to my experience is the same as the meaning he attaches to his.

In either case, we might over think, or dissect and diagnose. We poll our friends for their opinions about what it means that a guy didn’t respond to your text, or that a girl didn’t favorite your tweet. We want for Action A + Action B to = Best Case Scenario (as far as our opinions are concerned).

But your friends aren’t mind readers (and neither are you). There is no formula.

Our pursuit of one – or of “signs,” or of a friend’s opinion that turns out to be fact – might be fruitless. In it, a person eludes the only two reliable sources for the answers to his or her questions:

Time, and the person we want to date.

When you aren’t sure the person you like likes you back, consider this:

“Wait and see” isn’t as bad as it sounds. Patience is not the antithesis to persistence. Patience is part of persistence.

And if you really need to know now…

Ask.

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This post is part of an occasional series called Q&A. Click here to read all the posts from it.

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[Q&A – Dating] Can a guy be persistent but not annoying?

The Q: “How does a guy be persistent without being annoying? Possible?”

The A: Short version: Totally.

Long version: Persistence is pursuit despite difficulty. Dedication in the face of opposition. Most relationships require some of it. Some relationships require more of it than others. In dating, persistence isn’t necessarily bad if what’s “opposed” to your pursuit is, say, time or money or distance. It is bad, however, if what’s opposed to it is the person you’re trying to date.

Ultimately, only she – the woman with whom you’re persistent – can discern the difference between persistent and annoying. This is because for most of us, you’re “persistent” if we like you and “annoying” if we don’t. But for some women, “persistent” and “annoying” are synonymous.

There is only one way to find out.

In the process, we learn a lot about each other. What we do and don’t want in spouses. We discern what all of us must:

Whether getting together makes sense. Whether we’ll make good spouses and parents. Whether the world needs a kid who could turn into one of us. Whether the pursuit, establishment, and maintenance of this contributes to the greater glory of God.

And regarding a guy who pursues a woman despite difficulty, she must discern whether his pursuit is persistent or annoying.

If you like her…

let her.

#WorthIt. 🙂

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This post is part of an occasional series called Q&A. Click here to read all the posts from it.