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“Do not worry about your life.” -Jesus

For a year or so in college, I lived in a constant state of on-edge.

I was the journalism major who worried all the time, who suffered from anxiety.

My body held down the here and now, but my mind wouldn’t sit still. Thoughts raced, and I entertained “what-ifs” and concocted all kinds of scenarios.

Which is why I really needed it one night when I stumbled upon this quote:

“Anxiety is a temptation in itself and also the source from and by which other temptations come.
Sadness is that mental pain which is caused by the involuntary evils which affect us. These may be external – such as poverty, sickness, contempt of others – or they may be internal – such as ignorance, dryness in prayer, aversion, and temptation itself. 

When the soul is conscious of some evil, it is dissatisfied because of this, and sadness is produced. The soul wishes to be free from this sadness, and tries to find the means for this.
If the soul seeks deliverance for the love of God, it will seek with patience, gentleness, humility, and calmness, waiting on God’s providence rather than relying on its own initiative, exertion, and diligence. If it seeks from self-love, it is eager and excited and relying on self rather than God. 

Anxiety comes from an irregulated desire to be delivered from the evil we experience. Therefore, above all else, calm and compose your mind. Gently and quietly pursue your aim.”

The quote comes from St. Francis de Sales.

In it, I found hope.

And later the same week, I found another anxiety quote, by chance:

“Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow, and every day. Either he will shield you from suffering, or he will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then. Put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.”

That quote, as it turns out, also comes from St. Francis de Sales.

Two in a week? This is too much, I thought. Who is this guy? So the journalist in me did a little digging. Which is how I discovered that Francis de Sales is the patron saint of journalists. Which is how I knew that my finding those quotes when I did wasn’t an accident.

That God knew I needed the reminders.

That I had forgotten what Jesus said, in what is probably now my most-read passage of scripture:

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…” (Matt. 6:25)

May we remember today and always that He said it with sincerity.

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“Teen Pregnancy Isn’t the Problem.”

It is an honor to have been invited to write as a columnist for Ignitum Today, “the social network of the JP2 and B16 generations” ( aka popes John Paul II and Benedict XVI). My first post appears today. Here is an excerpt, followed by a link to the column:

One recent evening, I shook a bottle of hot sauce over my burger and watched the news from the kitchen table.

Popular that night was the story of a set of New York City schools that are part of a pilot program in which female students who are 14 and up can access Plan B, the emergency contraceptive also called “the morning-after pill.”

The program was part of a media hullabaloo, partly because of what the pill is used for, partly because of how young the girls are who can participate in the program and partly because – according to some sources – if a child’s parents consent to her participation in the program, she can access the pill later and nobody has to tell her parents she did.

A man on the TV turned hopeful eyes toward the crowd in front of him and from behind a podium, he spoke about the Plan B program. It provides a solution, he said, to a problem that has lifelong consequences: teen pregnancy.

Really?

Click here to read the rest.

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[Guest Post] A respectable man’s respectful pursuit of a woman.

For yesterday’s Q&A, a woman asked why a guy flirts with a girl but doesn’t attempt to pursue a relationship with her. Fellow blogger, folk music lover and chaste dater Jake Nelko weighs in today on what holds a guy up when he flirts but goes no further:

Jake.

Being a single Christian man who actively pursues romance, I am constantly faced with the conundrum of how to respectfully pursue women. If I see a cute girl in a coffee shop, for example, I am naturally interested in approaching her to strike up a conversation, learn that we like the same music, discover that she, too, loves Jesus, take her out for coffee (or caramels because it’s arbitrary, right?), meet her parents, get married, and live happily ever after just like she potentially wants. So what holds us back? It could be a number of things.

First, does she actually want me to talk to her? This could be my lack of self confidence talking, but I’m not always sold on the potential of a conversation with the young lady in question being one that is welcomed. Unless she is giving me numerous glances and the occasional smile, I may not feel completely welcomed to the point of actually talking to her. I, like many men, am terrible with reading body language, so it’s never my assumption that she wants me to do what I want to do unless glances and smiles are thrown right on target.

Second, respectable men try very hard to be respectable. We’ve been to plenty of bars, parties, etc. where we’ve seen the bros bothering women or at the very least approaching them in a way we don’t see as respectable. We don’t want to come off like them, with only sex or some other version of our own pleasure as our main motivation, so we tend to err on the side of doing nothing. We’ve heard from too many of our female friends that they get hit on when they don’t want to and, therefore, we decide we want to avoid being another girl’s story of annoyance. Let’s do the polite thing and let the young lady get back to her copy of Jane Eyre and Bon Iver (she’s wearing Toms, so she is probably listening to Bon Iver, begging the question again of why on earth am I not talking to her?).

Third, there may be intangibles. That gentleman may have a significant other at that moment and is oblivious to the vibe he may be putting off himself. He may simply have other interests in his life keeping him from feeling a desire to approach a new interest. He may have other things on his mind, but probably doesn’t.

Fourth, sometimes it’s just a game. We want to see what sort of flirting we can do in public without developing the obligation to do anything more. As a guy who has been on his own as a single man with plenty of married friends, it can feel good to just know that I still have it going for me; if I can still get a girl’s attention, even if I don’t necessarily want to talk to her or anyone, for that matter.

Honestly, I’d say my top reason is that I don’t want to embarrass myself. My self confidence is already fragile, so the last thing I want is to let other people know what a spaz I am by talking to a girl, potentially embarrassing myself by saying something stupid, and never feeling like I want to go back to that place again for the rest of my life. Overdramatic, I know, but it’s the truth.

My advice for the ladies is to be obvious. If women are looking for the respectable man who is not hitting on every girl he makes eye contact with, then the young lady will have to make it obvious to said respectable man that they should go outside of their norm to approach her. Give us a few looks, flash us a smile, make sure we can see your naked ring finger, and don’t give us any doubt that our approach would be welcome. I could probably point out three girls in the coffee shop I’m in right now that have given me unclear enough signals that I wouldn’t do anything even if I were interested in it at the moment. See the above for why.

If a girl is giving subtle or vague hints, they will attract men that jump on subtle or vague hints, like the aforementioned bros. On my end, though, do I want to approach a girl who looks like she’s trying to attract the attention of every guy she makes eye contact with? Not really. I’m looking for the girl sitting in the corner with her thick glasses, skinny jeans, cardigan, and 400-page novel with her iPod in (hopefully listening to the Avett Brothers). Somewhere in the grey area of coffee shop interaction between completely confusing vagueness and completely impersonal and uninhibited flirting lies a scenario where I only end up speaking with a girl who is REALLY attracting my attention. Maybe, in the end, the ladies really DON’T want all of the guys they encounter to speak with them and we’re all interacting the exact amount we’re supposed to. Life doesn’t always work out that easily, though, right?

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 Jake, 27, lives in Tacoma, WA, while his heart resides in Pittsburgh, PA. He makes a living as a Career Development Specialist at the University of Washington Tacoma and spends his free time covering new music for Ear to the Ground Music, writing for his own personal blog, and playing drums for the gangster folk band Michelle from the Club.

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[Q&A – Dating]: Why would a guy flirt but never ask me out?

The Q:  From a woman, regarding men: “What is up with guys who flirt, but never make a move? He’ll flirt. I’ll flirt back. That’s it. What’s his hold-up?” -Emily*

The A: Few quirks in a guy frustrate a woman like his habit of flirting with her for no apparent reason (if you’re me, anyway, so I feel Emily’s pain). Frankly, flirting is fun, but it gets old when it’s with a guy who doesn’t attempt to pursue a relationship.

This is because flirting communicates something. When I flirt, I use body language and/or other words to say “I kinda have a thing for you.” It’s only natural, then, that when a guy flirts with me, I assume he’s saying “I kinda have a thing for you,” too.

But what if he isn’t? Maybe the hold up for some of the guys who flirt but don’t “make a move” is that they flirt because it’s fun, and not at all because it’s step one in their pursuit of a relationship. If a flirt flirts solely for fun, however, he (or she!) essentially says, “Here,” to the person with whom he or she flirts, “Have this expectation (the expectation, that is, that we’re probably on the verge of eating chicken piccata at a fancy restaurant while we pretend we haven’t Googled** each other).”

Then he or she never delivers.

But my guess is just a guess. Emily’s question would be answered better by people whose insight here is better than mine:

MEN.

So here are a couple quick answers from a couple male friends and fellow bloggers:

Chris Schumerth: “Well, there isn’t ‘one answer’ to this, of course, but at least two possibilities come to mind, both of which too many men would undoubtedly deny. First of all, men are capable of being confused. It could be that he’s sort of interested but can’t decide if he’s really interested. The second thing that comes to mind, and this one’s probably the bigger of the two, is that mutual flirting doesn’t make facing rejection any easier! It’s hard to go out on a limb and ask a girl out!”

J.Q. Tomanek: Men are from Venus but we understand in Martian. When I flirt with my wife and she flirts back, I get the “flirt” but for some reason misfire on the follow-up. Guys can diagnose what kind of bird is flying during dove season, invented Morse code, and can translate a third base coach’s signal, but when it comes to reading women we need it LOUD, clear, and direct. At least for me, I take more risks with my wife when I have greater certainty that I know what she wants or expects.

A third guy whose feedback I sought shares more thoughts in an upcoming guest post. (Check back tomorrow!)

Edit 10/19/12: Click here to read the guest post in response to Emily’s question.

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Q&A is an occasional feature. If you have a Q, I can come up with an A (and if I don’t have an A, I’ll find somebody who does). To submit a question, email me at arleenwrites@gmail.com or leave it in the comments. No topic is taboo (although I can’t promise I will answer every question).

*Real person, fake name.

**For the record, I do Google guys but I never pretend I don’t. 🙂

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[Guest Post Series] Relationship Tips: #2 – Give him (or her) the benefit of the doubt.

Guest blogger Abby Brundage!

It was a bad fight and it all stemmed from an assumption. I’m not taking 100% of the blame, but I will say that I should have given my husband the benefit of the doubt.

He had a social engagement for work that I thought would get him home by dinner time. When we spoke on the phone I expected that he would be pulling in the driveway. He was actually pulling out of the parking lot. An hour from home. During rush hour. Not happy.

I’ll cut to the chase. I accused him of putting work before me and our son. He freaked on me and said, “You should always assume that I would rather be with you and our child than at work! Why are you so quick to think the opposite?!” It was loud and emotionally-charged. I sat in the closet and cried as pork chops burned on the stove and smoke filled the kitchen.

Don’t you want the best to be assumed about you or do you always want to have to defend yourself to your spouse? I know there’s a fine line between doing this and just being naive and ignoring signs of trouble, but that’s where trust and communication come in. It’s all on the recipe card for a healthy relationship.

We let a little voice in our head inject bits of poison. This poison causes us to make false accusations, assume dishonesty or lack of concern and doubt our spouse’s commitment.

Whose voice is that? I don’t feel like it’s mine but it is. It’s my own insecurities. Why would he want to be home shoving food in a baby’s mouth and helping me prep dinner when he can be rubbing elbows with work buddies? What do I have to offer?

Your spouse chose you for a reason. He would rather be with you than anyone else in the world, but NOT the “you” that is pointing fingers and finding faults. Have confidence that you are worth loving and when you think maybe he did something wrong, give him the benefit of the doubt. Innocence before guilt. He’ll  appreciate it and you’ll save a couple pork chops.

About the blogger: Abby Brundage is the morning show host and promotions director at Spirit FM 90.5, Tampa Bay’s Hit Christian Music! She lives in Seffner, Fla. – a suburb of a suburb of Tampa. It’s a sub-suburb! She has been married to her husband Josh since 2008 and they have one gigantic son, Liam, age 1. Click here to read her Spirit FM Mom Squad blog.

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Relationship Tips is a series of guest posts. Click here to read all the posts in the series.