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[Guest Post] What I learned about marriage from my parents.

Guest blogger Olivia!

As a child, I knew my parents were different from other parents. They slept in separate rooms because my dad had violent nightmares. My mom worked first shift, my dad worked second shift. They rarely showed affection for one another. Their marriage was the second for each of them, and I think this gave them a little experience to build their own marriage on.

When I was a teenager, I never wanted to get married.

I was a very independent child, so I told myself that I didn’t want my independence taken away. I never went on dates in high school. I had no confidence, so I figured no one would want to be with me. I’d see the heartache and hear from my girlfriends about problems in their relationships. I assumed all relationships were like that, and I didn’t need that. More than anything, I saw the relationship my parents had, would compare it to the relationships of my friends’ parents, and realize that whatever my parents had together was not something I wanted.

But in my second year of working toward my undergraduate degree, I met a man like no other. He was hilarious, generous, and so very kind. Two weeks after our official first date, I knew I would marry this man. I told my mom this and she was shocked. She’d say to me, “You want to get married? You always said you never wanted to get married,” when I would brag about this wonderful man.

We got married in 2007 and enjoyed a brief honeymoon period (without ever taking a honeymoon) before life went back to normal and reality set in. We’d have our disagreements, calm down, and work things out. And then life threw us one curve ball after another: job loss, extended unemployment, moving in with family to keep a roof over our heads because of unemployment, health scares, no money… you get the picture.

Through all of these trials, we would lash out at each other whenever the stress levels reached a tipping point. We have had such horrid arguments that we even have uttered the d-word. I have caught myself saying something to my husband that sounds exactly like something Mom would have said to Dad in the middle of a disagreement. I have had that moment in which I realize I’m very much like Mom, and then I try to correct my behavior.

I remember the d-word being discussed lightly between my parents when I was in high school. Miraculously, when I moved out to go to college in 2004, my parents’ marriage improved. But Dad suddenly passed away in 2009, leaving my mom widowed and lost. It was hard to watch Mom begin to navigate the world without Dad. As time has gone on and we reminisce about all the wonderful times we had with Dad, Mom would echo the same sentiment about him: “Things were rough, and we had some horrible times, but I would never trade in a moment with that man.”

My parents were knocked down by difficult trials and faced many dark days in their relationship. Through the dark and the light, one thing stayed constant: They did it together. They stuck by each other through everything. I think of all my parents went through when I was child, and while I remember some of the arguments, I rejoice in now being able to comprehend how they came together to handle whatever situation they faced.

Marriage is one of the most difficult “things” I’ve ever had to do. It requires time, patience, nurturing, love, humility, respect, and humor. I’ll admit it: Marriage is hard work. It’s not for the weak. There are rough times where you just don’t have the energy to look at your spouse because of some idiot thing they’ve said. There are times you’re so embarrassed by something you said or did in anger that you can’t even look at yourself. But those beautiful times, those times you realize where you’ve come from and what you’ve gone through together, make that hard work so worth it.

My parents had a very unconventional marriage, but it was their marriage. My husband and I have a different marriage, and it’s OUR marriage. Give your marriage everything you’ve got. When things get tough, just keep fighting. It’s absolutely worth it.

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About the blogger:  Olivia Hattan-Edwards is a native Floridian who lives in the mountains of north Georgia with her love, Richard, and their two cats, Humphrey and Bogart. Olivia is the youth services coordinator for a public library and is currently working on a master’s degree in Library and Information Science. Richard works at a public high school and is involved with high school athletics. In her spare time, Olivia enjoys reading YA literature, shopping at thrift stores, and supporting Richard at whatever sport is currently in season. She recently launched a new blog, Bookmarking Life. Olivia and Richard have been married for five and a half years.

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[Guest Post] Why I’m a proponent of pre-marital counseling.

Guest blogger
JQ Tomanek!

Why am I proponent of pre-marital counseling? Oh, wait. I thought the question was “Why am I a proponent of pre-martial counseling?”

I have two young kids in martial arts and I recommend parents get pre-martial counseling to deal with the stresses of high kicks to the face and low punches below the belt. However, since I am here already, let me give why I’m a proponent of pre-MARITAL counseling a whirl. First, a story.

I was born in the late seventies. I was never taught how to shave by my father. I remember seeing movies with a father and son having a great bonding experience through the use of a straight razor or a safety razor. Technology has since pretty much solved the problem of the danger of shaving and that rite of passage is no longer needed. It became all too simple: 1) Lather with shaving cream from a can; 2) Take out the Gillette SensorExcel; 3) Pull and rip the hair off your face.

Oh, the memories. Back then, that was “Gillette, the best a man can get.” No, really. Watch:

No father chat. No straight razor skill needed. No knowledge of honing, stropping, pre-post creams,
or post shower shaving. Now fast forward to the present day. I am 34 years old, married for 11 years,
three kids, a cat and a dog. I drive a truck, have guns, and now am teaching myself how to use a Merkur
Futur. That is a safety razor, for those still in the cave of the Mach whatever it is. I am watching videos
on YouTube, getting advice on Facebook, emailing friends and chatting with men about how to use a
single razor like an artist. This time next year, my goal is to be using a straight razor. It is hard to get more masculine than putting a surgical sharp knife on your face and shaving your whiskers. This process will require even more communication between hand and brain with the use of my fine motor skills.

What is the connection with pre-marital counseling? Well the qualities required of the art of shaving with a straight razor are similar to qualities required of committed relationships – relationships like those of engaged couples and married people. Relationships take practice, skills, technique, communication and knowledge of self and others to create success. For some, this can be accomplished on your own. Everybody knows the guy that can train, research, and sculpt his body without the help of a trainer. For the rest of us, a proper coach is needed.

If I had tried the safety razor technique without advice, I would look like I ran into Freddie Krueger after someone told him I had eaten his last Oreo.

Marriage is something loftier than a straight shave or sport. It is the mutual self-gift of each other to
another person with each other’s happiness on the line. No pressure, you are only married “until death
do you part” and you will likely teach your children every bad habit you have.

But what should a couple or a person talk about with a counselor regarding marriage? Why is counsel
needed? Here is a list of 8 reasons a trusted counselor is good for the pre-marital relationship. I
have made it easy to remember with this clever acronym: FLATULNT.

1. Finances. Who will take care of them? Two accounts or one? Spending habits that need to be ironed out. Saving for retirement needs. How much debt will you enter into with a marriage?

2. Love languages. How do you explain to your future spouse what your primary love language is? How do you find out your spouse’s language? What are some ways to express this language?

3. Articles of Faith. This one is way more important than most think. Even if both of you are not religious when you are engaged, this can be a problem. What is to happen if one spouse has a conversion and changes somewhat? Couples without faith will have to understand that God is not part of the marriage and someone or something will replace God. If each couple practices a different faith then there needs to be a lot of discussion on how to raise kids, going to church, etc.

4. You also marry the Tribe. When you get married, you marry your spouse and enter into his or her relationships. This includes her parents, godparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, friends, and Confirmation sponsor. Sometimes these people can bring great joy and sometimes they can bring great thorns to your side.

5. Unitary problems. It is best to get these taken care of before you compound the situation with learning another person in such an intimate way. I don’t just mean drug problems or abuse. Some problems can stem from childhood and need to be dealt with so that your spouse does not become to whipping bag even if you do not desire her to be.

6. Love-makin’. That’s right. Sex. In earlier days, it was pretty much standard that a couple could learn this together in the confines and protection of the marital vows. Today, many people are addicted to pornography, have been abused, or received some generic idea of sex from a program manual. If your idea of sex is based on porn, please find a good counselor to lose this baggage. Abuse strikes at the core of a person and so will likely affect your most intimate actions including your sexuality. Many sex education programs tout the benefits of contraception and safe sex but the human person is created for greatness through being free, faithful, total and fruitful.

7. Newlywed. Marital counselors deal with broken couples all the time. They see what problems married people encounter. They can prepare a couple to miss some of the common pitfalls like “Who will make the coffee everyday?” or “How clean to leave a bedroom?”

8. Teamwork. When you get hitched, you are made into a team of one. Every team uses common skills to create success. Communication, integration, honesty, assuming the best of someone, and many others are very important in business teams and even more important in the marital team. As kids come a long, there begins two teams. There is the husband/wife team that needs care and the family team that has different needs.

Each of these listed are good reasons that pre-marital counseling is a good option in today’s world.
I am sure there are married couples that read Arleen’s blog as well. Are there other reasons you
might add? Are there any pre-married couples that would like to give some testimony on some
good things you have learned?

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About the blogger: J.Q. Tomanek lives in the country of Texas with his wife Denise, a Southern Belle from Trinidad and Tobago, and his three children. He holds two graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, an MBA and Master of Science in Organizational Leadership, and a Bachelor of Arts degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Having taught for five years in Catholic education, he now works in the construction industry in Victoria, TX. He is a parishioner of Holy Family of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus Parish in the Diocese of Victoria. Click here to read his column at Ignitum Today.

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Modesty only works when it isn’t distorted.

They need a sign that warns about the butts.

If one thing stands out about a trip I took to South Beach back in May, it’s this:

I have never seen so much butt on a beach.

Our first day there, I stepped off the boardwalk behind the hotel and onto the sand,  far too close for comfort to a woman who – while holding her toddler’s hand – rubbed sunblock onto a part of her body that is normally covered by clothes.

I go with my gut when I say “modest is hottest” isn’t Miami’s motto. (Oh how I wish it was.)

But even for we who are proponents of modesty, embracing it as it stands now could backfire on us. This is because modesty has been distorted.

Awhile ago, a study was conducted at Princeton, as paraphrased like this by Jason Evert:

The test subjects were placed in a brain scanner and for a fraction of a second were shown photographs of women in bikinis, as well as men and women dressed modestly. 

When the young men viewed the scantily clad women, the part of their brain associated with tool use lit up.

According to the study, men are likely to objectify women when women are scantily clad. To accommodate for that likelihood, the purpose of modesty has morphed into this: “Girls have to cover up so boys don’t objectify them.”

Which implies that the woman is responsible for the man’s actions, that the onus is on her to create conditions in which he won’t objectify her.

Which relieves a man of responsibility for his actions and requires of him exactly zero discipline.

Which implies men are weak. As if men can’t not objectify scantily clad women. As if human nature means men will objectify them.

But men don’t objectify women because they’re wired to do it. They objectify women because they’re humans who live in a culture that tells them to do it. And what is learned can be unlearned.

If we decide, however, that “it’s a woman’s job” to create conditions in which a man won’t objectify her (and therefore that “it’s her fault” when he does), men who learned it don’t have to unlearn it. And men who don’t unlearn it – even the ones who save sex for marriage – become husbands who will objectify their wives, because their wives inevitably will be scantily clad sometimes.

This is not to say I want the world to be one where women can be scantily clad under any circumstance. This is to say that if our solution for “men objectify scantily clad women” is “women stop dressing scantily,” we send the following message: A man’s objectification of a woman isn’t the problem. Her body is.

The damage done by an idea like that goes deep for both women and men.

And real modesty doesn’t do any damage.

Bodies aren’t bad. Bodies are good. We know this because we are physically attracted to each other. The attraction is designed to “orient” us toward the other. It produces a sensual reaction. A sensual reaction is a good thing, too.

But a sensual reaction is superficial when compared to other important elements of a relationship (like friendship). When fostered before the other important elements, a sensual reaction can distract a person from ever discovering whether the other important elements even exist.

The problem is “when only sensuality is stirred, we experience the body of the other person as a potential object of enjoyment. We reduce the person to their physical qualities – their good looks, their body – and view the person primarily in terms of the pleasure we can experience from those qualities,” wrote Edward Sri in Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love.

But, wrote Sri, we live “in a highly sexualized culture … (where) we are constantly bombarded by sexual images exploiting our sensuality, getting us to focus on the bodies of members of the opposite sex.”

Which is why real modesty is so important.

Modesty, when not distorted, doesn’t say girls have to cover up so boys don’t objectify them. It isn’t a burden on women and doesn’t imply men are weak. It requires us to pursue and be pursued for virtuous reasons. It enables us to be drawn to somebody for who he or she is (which is conducive to love), not for what his or her body does to us (which impedes love).

And in a culture mostly all right with superficial relationships and way-too-bare bodies on (and off) the beach, modesty provides a refreshing “arena in which something much more than a sensual reaction might take place.” (Sri)

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Should older, single adults still save sex for marriage?

There’s an old article on CNN’s Belief Blog about how young Christians aren’t saving sex for marriage anymore. In it, the writer also says the average age at marriage is much older for today’s people than it was for the people of yore.

“Today,” he writes, “it’s not unusual to meet a Christian who is single at 30 – or 40 or 50, for that matter. So what do you tell them? Keep waiting?”

Frankly? Yes.

Perhaps it strikes the average adult in our culture as unreasonable to expect older, unmarried adults not to have sex, even if they’re Christians. My hunch, however, is that this ultimately only strikes the average adult as unreasonable because it’s the norm for older, unmarried adults to have sex.

It’s the status quo, in other words. It’s business as usual. Which is like saying “the reason you can’t expect older, unmarried adults not to have sex is because older, unmarried adults have sex.”

Which is kind of like saying “it’s a good idea to do the stuff that most people do.” That the reason it’s ok to uncritically do the things that are normal is because they are normal.

But are the normal things normal because they’re good, or are they normal because we’re keeping them that way?

It’s parallel to and an example of this:

“We see that people don’t save sex for marriage.

We see that many men and women lack integrity, or are selfish, immature or dishonest.

We can continue not to date them, or we can lower the bar.

Most people lower the bar.”

It’s normal, in other words, to encounter people who don’t save sex for marriage, or who lack integrity, or are selfish, immature or dishonest. It’s so normal that some people believe that’s as good as people get. And when other people believe that’s as good as people get, they are uncritically content to date them (and when we are content to date them, they date are content being selfish, for instance, or immature or dishonest, lacking integrity or living like it’s impossible to save sex for marriage.).

So it’s normal, in other words, to date people who don’t exactly meet reasonable standards.

But it isn’t normal because it’s good. It’s normal because we’re keeping it that way. And I’m of the opinion that we don’t have to.

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Click here to read the CNN Belief Blog article.

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I am not saving myself for marriage. (I’m saving sex.)

I’m not saving myself for marriage.

First, I know no follower of Christ who thinks any of us can save ourselves. Secondly, to say “I’m saving myself” when you mean “I’m saving sex” equates who you are – and therefore your worth – with sex. But your worth is wrapped up in nothing except your existence. It is intrinsic.

So I’m not saving myself.

But I am saving sex.

I should add that the “save” in “saving sex” is not the same as the “save” in “saving the meatloaf for later.” Although I am waiting to have sex, when I say I’m saving sex, I don’t mean I’m “putting it off.” I mean I’m part of an insurrection (albeit it a tiny one) that’s redeeming sex. Refusing, in other words, to treat it like it isn’t sacred.

This isn’t to say sex is not the gift of self. One spouse does give the gift of him or herself to the other, and vice versa, in sex. But I think among the ones of us who have decided to wait until we’re married to have sex, the gift that we give in marriage is misunderstood when we think the gift we are giving is sex.

The gift is the partnership. The constant state of being there. The permanence. The merger of two lives and families into one. I could go on.

Sex is definitely part of it, but it isn’t it.

While saving sex may protect people, physically, emotionally, spiritually, in our hyper-focus on what saving sex does for me, an important truth has been neglected:

Saving sex protects sex.

Sex in our culture, generally speaking, is more about getting than giving. The world says part of it is important (pleasure), and while that part of it is important, I think all parts of it are important. But the world also says parts of it aren’t always necessary (i.e. unity beyond the biological, or fertility). And the world tends to tell us that we who wait are wrong because “everybody’s doing it.”

Because in our culture, “consensus determines rightness or wrongness.”*

But it’s like marriage. “Marriage is a sheet of paper” is parallel to “sex is not sacred.”

Marriage isn’t “just a sheet of paper” because a lot of people suck at it. Marriage is just a sheet of paper when you treat it like it’s just a sheet of paper.

Sex isn’t “not sacred” because 98% of women and 97% of men** don’t reserve it for the context of marriage. Sex is not sacred when you treat it like it’s not sacred.

This is why you could say the people who wait until they are married to have sex, and the people who would get married but never do, and the people who would like to have sex but are celibate because of what they believe about sex, and even the priests and nuns who keep their chastity vows have this in common:

They are all saving sex – redeeming it – by treating it like it’s sacred.

And it is.

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*From page 26 in Peter Kreeft’s book Back to Virtue.

**According to a National Center for Health Statistics study published in 2011.