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Should older, single adults still save sex for marriage?

There’s an old article on CNN’s Belief Blog about how young Christians aren’t saving sex for marriage anymore. In it, the writer also says the average age at marriage is much older for today’s people than it was for the people of yore.

“Today,” he writes, “it’s not unusual to meet a Christian who is single at 30 – or 40 or 50, for that matter. So what do you tell them? Keep waiting?”

Frankly? Yes.

Perhaps it strikes the average adult in our culture as unreasonable to expect older, unmarried adults not to have sex, even if they’re Christians. My hunch, however, is that this ultimately only strikes the average adult as unreasonable because it’s the norm for older, unmarried adults to have sex.

It’s the status quo, in other words. It’s business as usual. Which is like saying “the reason you can’t expect older, unmarried adults not to have sex is because older, unmarried adults have sex.”

Which is kind of like saying “it’s a good idea to do the stuff that most people do.” That the reason it’s ok to uncritically do the things that are normal is because they are normal.

But are the normal things normal because they’re good, or are they normal because we’re keeping them that way?

It’s parallel to and an example of this:

“We see that people don’t save sex for marriage.

We see that many men and women lack integrity, or are selfish, immature or dishonest.

We can continue not to date them, or we can lower the bar.

Most people lower the bar.”

It’s normal, in other words, to encounter people who don’t save sex for marriage, or who lack integrity, or are selfish, immature or dishonest. It’s so normal that some people believe that’s as good as people get. And when other people believe that’s as good as people get, they are uncritically content to date them (and when we are content to date them, they date are content being selfish, for instance, or immature or dishonest, lacking integrity or living like it’s impossible to save sex for marriage.).

So it’s normal, in other words, to date people who don’t exactly meet reasonable standards.

But it isn’t normal because it’s good. It’s normal because we’re keeping it that way. And I’m of the opinion that we don’t have to.

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Click here to read the CNN Belief Blog article.

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Hands and feet (A Repost).

I squinted at the screen and punched away at my keyboard. School lunch menus. Somebody’s got to type ’em.

The police scanner on my editor’s desk crackled. I kept typing. Crispy chicken salad or tuna plate. Choice of veggie sticks, fresh seasonal fruit —

Vehicle overturned.

Vehicle overturned? I stopped typing and started listening to the scanner.

Two ejected. Block the road. Re-route traffic. Send the helicopter.

Of course. Something big always happens while I’m alone in the newsroom.

I interrupted an editor’s lunch with a head’s up phone call. I pulled up the Florida Highway Patrol Web site to find the intersection. The TV news reporter who shares our office called from the road.

“This is massive,” she said. “The worst single accident I’ve seen in my career.”

I made a second call to the editor. She called a photographer who called me for directions. A reporter met him at the scene.

The rest is history.

Another tragedy. Add it to the list.

The two Tampa police officers shot to death during a traffic stop.
The toddler killed in the care of his father.
The church destroyed in a fire.
The man who died when he drove his truck into a pond (the six kids and quadriplegic wife he left behind).
This fatal crash.

While we – humans – sort through them, we ask questions. It’s natural.

What happened?

How did it happen? How could it? Why?

There are other questions.

Why did God let this happen? Or, more usually, why did your God let it happen? How could a God be good who allows this?

My response is rough around the edges.

“You think this is His fault? You leave Him out of this!”

Shane Claiborne says it better in an old radio interview:

“And I can remember a comic in Philadelphia that was in the paper. There were these two guys that were asking that very question. It was — and one guy said, ‘You know, I wonder why God allows all this poverty and pain and hurting in the world?’ And his friend says, ‘Well, why don’t you ask God that?’ And the guy says, ‘Well, I guess I’m scared.’ And he says, ‘What are you scared of?’ He says, ‘I guess I’m scared that God will ask me the same question.'”

We ask why God allows sickness, but we won’t take care of ourselves.

We ask God why there’s poverty, but won’t make eye contact with the homeless guy who stands next to our cars at red lights.

We ask God why there’s murder, but we won’t love our neighbor.

Why?

In Shane Claiborne’s words…

God’s “going, ‘Hey, you’re my body. You are my hands and my feet.’ And, you know, that this is something that we are entrusted with. And I think, probably, one of the most difficult things that Jesus ever did was sort of leave this idea of transforming the world or the kingdom of God coming in the hands of such a ragtag bunch of people that goof it up over and over.”

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This post originally appeared on the blog on Aug. 14, 2010.

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Read the Catechism of the Catholic Church in a year.

A thousand pages of awesome.

It’s with delight and excitement that I report the following:

YOU CAN GET THIS BOOK EMAILED TO YOU.

As part of the Roman Catholic Church’s impending Year of Faith, @CatechismAPI has partnered with flocknote.com to deliver the entire Catechism of the Catholic Church to your email inbox.

If you aren’t Catholic, but you’ve wondered what exactly it is that the Catholic Church teaches, this is your most convenient chance. And if you’re Catholic, how big this book is might concern you (mine’s about a thousand pages). But if you sign up, you’ll receive only a little of the book at a time, in one email a day from Oct. 11, 2012 through Nov. 24, 2013.

I signed up. Will you? Click here.

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Comment of the day, 9/18/12 (re: saving sex!)

“I believe it is important to reserve sex for marriage, but I also believe it is deeply flawed to put it in terms of ‘Saving it for my future spouse’.

I’m single. I hope there’s a future spouse in the picture–but I don’t know that. I’m not guaranteed that. ‘My future husband’ is a poor motivator, because he may not actually exist. I don’t want to struggle through self-control for decades in pursuit of a fantasy, only to end up burned out and bitter that it was all for nothing.

But if I ‘save sex’, as you put it, because I honor God (and not an imaginary man) with my body, and because I respect what He created sex to be–that’s a different story entirely. That’s a motivation that is sustainable through every season of life. That’s something that can actually lead me into gratitude and awe at the plan of God, rather than resentment for blessings seemingly withheld.

Thanks very much for bringing this perspective to the table.” -Amanda B., as commented today on I am not saving myself for marriage. (I’m saving sex.)

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“Arleen Spenceley Writes About Sex.”

It was an honor this week to receive an email from fabulous fellow blogger Edmund Mitchell with an invitation to be interviewed for his blog. I answered questions for him last night. The finished product – a post called “Arleen Spenceley Writes About Sex” – appeared online today. Click here to read it (and to learn the role fried chicken played in my career).

Grateful for the opportunity. Thanks, Edmund!