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Natural Family Planning: Part 2

As promised, I’d like to introduce you to a young couple that uses natural family planning. For a project I did on natural family planning over the summer, I interviewed Dustin and Bethany from Glen Carbon, IL. Dustin is creator of a great blog called Engaged Marriage. Here are some excerpts from our interview:

Dustin and Bethany have been married for 10 years. Dustin, 32, is an engineer and creator of engagedmarriage.com, a blog about marriage and parenthood. Bethany, 30, is a stay at home mom. For the first few years of their marriage, the couple used the pill. After discovering NFP online and delving more deeply into their Catholic faith, they stopped using contraceptives in favor of NFP. They have three children: 6-year-old Braden, 4-year-old Kendall and 1-year-old Avery.

A: Why did you decide to use NFP?
B: When we were first married, we were using the pill and we were very, very uncomfortable with it.
D: But we honestly thought there were no alternatives. (When) we decided we wanted to have our first child, we were looking for ways to make sure we would get pregnant on our schedules. We’re both planners. We discovered (NFP) on the internet. The first month we were using it, we got pregnant. We’ve been using it (to achieve and avoid pregnancies) for six years.
A: What models of NFP have you used?
D: We started off using (a symptothermal model) and in the last six months or so, we’ve been using the Marquette model. When you introduce technology like the fertility monitor, it makes our generation comfortable. It’s just easier. If you’re not comfortable with all these different signs, all you really gotta do is pee on a stick.
A: In what ways is using NFP different for you than using contraceptives?
B: Our sex life is much improved. (So is) the quality of our intimacy. I would never go back (to contraceptives), ever.
D: (On the pill), you can have sex whenever you want. It sounds great, but looking back, it wasn’t great physically, spiritually or emotionally. Now, (sex is) more like a form of communication. Once you experience the difference, most people wouldn’t go back.
B: NFP wants you to have lots of good sex. It (respects) the woman and her gift of fertility. How amazing is it that the love between the two of us can create a whole ‘nother person? NFP promotes life and intimacy and communication.
D: Contraception implies you should always be able to have sex whenever you want it, that it’s purely recreation. You’re able to exclude creation from (sex) at will. The Catholic Church teaches that it’s ok to have sex when you’re not fertile, (but) it’s not ok to turn off your own fertility.
A: What are the pros of NFP?
B: Becoming familiar with my own fertility has been a big benefit for me. My cycles are never regular, (but) we’re able to manage that.  It also brings us closer. We have to talk.
D: Communication is a big one. We see lots of benefits: Appreciation of intimacy. We don’t take (sex) for granted. It’s a lot deeper for us now that we practice NFP. It’s a big thing for us that (Bethany’s) not on artificial hormones. (And for) people who use NFP, the divorce rate is less than five percent.
A: And the cons?
B and D: Abstinence! (laughs)
D: It may be your tenth anniversary and you may not get to enjoy that the way you’d like. You may have to abstain longer than you’d like when your cycle gets disrupted for whatever reason.
B: Doctors can be very un-supportive. In the span of 20 minutes, my (former) doctor asked me five times if I wanted to be on the pill.
D: (The doctor said) you can call it hormone therapy if you don’t want to call it birth control.
B: It was frustrating. He didn’t understand, and that’s disappointing.
A: Have any of your pregnancies been unplanned?
D: We planned all three of our children. We’ve not had any unplanned pregnancies. If you follow the rules, it’s the same as condoms or birth control.

Click here to read Natural Family Planning: Part 1.

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Natural Family Planning: Part 1

In a recent conversation, somebody said she doesn’t think a person’s religious leanings should play a part in his or her decision to use or not use contraceptives — that the church, frankly, should stay out of it.
But I think a common misconception, both within the church and outside of it, is that faith is one of several separate parts of a person’s life. If you know me, you already know I disagree. Your faith — at least among practicing Christians, whether Catholic or Protestant — is not one of several separate parts of life. It is the umbrella that covers all the parts of your life. It is the compass by which you decide how you will live.
Which is why — especially among practicing Catholics — a person’s religious leanings do play a part in his or her decision to use or not use contraceptives. And practicing Catholics choose not to use them.
This is usually the part of the conversation at which a head shakes and somebody uses words like “irresponsible.” And I understand that, especially given the state of the world, the latest stats about the prevalence of sexually transmitted infections and the popular belief that there already aren’t enough resources to go around.
However.
(There’s always a but.)

In lieu of contraceptives, what practicing Catholics do use is natural family planning (NFP). This is usually the part of the conversation at which a head shakes and somebody uses words like “outdated” and “rhythm method” and “Duggar family.” Then I laugh, and I tell him or her this: The Duggars do not use NFP. I repeat: The Duggars do not use NFP! (They are part of a movement called Quiverfull, the participants of which forgo family planning of any kind.) That is why they have a show called 19 Kids and Counting.

NFP is neither outdated, nor is it the rhythm method. It is used either to avoid or achieve pregnancy. It requires a couple to monitor signs of the woman’s fertility and to abstain from sex periodically — when the woman is fertile — if the couple doesn’t want to get pregnant. And when a couple wants to get pregnant, they can use their awareness of fertility to choose to do the deed when the conditions are right for pregnancy. There are several modern kinds of NFP (initially, the Billings Ovulation Method, the Creighton Model and the Marquette Model come to mind) which, when used consistently and correctly, are 98-99% effective for preventing pregnancy, which is equivalent to the efficacy of condoms or the pill. So why, when medical science allows for quick, convenient ways to prevent pregnancy as well as NFP does, do we still choose NFP?

1. It’s natural: Dr. James Linn, an OB/GYN I interviewed for a project in the human sexuality class I took over the summer, said it better than I can:

“If you look at many of the methods of contraception, they have a long list of potential risks and complications. Take the very common form used by a lot of young women: birth control pills. Because of the higher than normal estrogen doses, she increases her risk for strokes, breast cancer and blood clots and those can break loose and go up to her heart and her lungs. Those are three big deals. Look at the side effects – things that aren’t really life threatening: mood changes, decreased sex drive. Depression and weight gain are common with Depo-Provera. … The other thing a lot of people don’t realize with a lot of hormonal contraceptive methods (is that) the more current birth control pills that have been around for the last 20 years don’t suppress ovulation a hundred percent. In order to make them safer, the dose has been lowered and in lowering the dose, they are less effective in suppressing ovulation. They alter the lining of the uterus so an embryo won’t be able to implant. So what could be happening some of the time is ovulation may take place, the sperm may meet with the egg in the tube and normally, an embryo implants about a week later. Well, it won’t allow implantation, so the embryo gets shed out. That mechanism of action is really an abortion, rather than contraception.”

2. It facilitates communication, and multiple levels of intimacy: A couple can’t practice NFP without talking about their relationship and sex. Additionally, since a couple that uses NFP can’t necessarily have sex every time they’d like, they are challenged to learn to be intimate in alternative ways. And while both communication and multiple levels of intimacy are generally a good idea for couples, both are rare in the average American relationship.

3. It wholly promotes the purpose of sex. The purpose of sex is twofold: babies and bonding. By using NFP, a couple works with the human body as it is designed, to achieve or avoid pregnancy by having sex when pregnancy is or isn’t likely, respectively. By using contraceptives, a couple works against the human body as it is designed, nullifying part of the purpose of sex and reducing pregnancy from “miracle” to “consequence.”

Plus, it encourages a couple to treat sex like the sacred act it is. And NFP requires that family planning is a responsibility shared by both partners, rather than the responsibility of either the man or the woman. Also, bonus, it’s free or cheap.

NFP, unfortunately, isn’t very popular. And I don’t expect — at least in a culture enamored by instant gratification and averted to doing anything if it’s difficult — that it ever will be. But there are lots of couples who use it, and use it happily. And in part two, I will introduce you to one of them. Check back soon.

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Control.

I’d be lying if I said I have never felt like what I did or said had changed my course so completely that I ruined my chances of achieving something. That a decision I made had created conditions that made it impossible for me to get what I wanted. That a part of me had so turned someone off — be it an aquaintance, a potential employer, a guy — that had I only spoken or behaved differently, the rupture that rendered our relationship over forever never would have existed.
So then I feel like thanks to me, I’ve lost everything I could’ve, should’ve or would’ve had.
As if I have that kind of control.
The truth is we are in control of what we say and do. And sometimes, that thing I say or do in fact does change my course so completely that what I thought I had coming never comes. And sometimes, that decision I make does create conditions that aren’t favorable for getting what I want. And sometimes, that part of me is why a relationship is severed.
But an important and often neglected part of this truth is that because my course or conditions change or somebody walks away because of me does not mean I didn’t get what I could’ve, should’ve or would’ve had. It means I didn’t get what wasn’t meant to be. I didn’t get what wasn’t designed for me.
And if it wasn’t for me, why would I even want it?
Once, Job said this to God (Job 42:2): “I know that You can do all things, and that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.”  
Amen.
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Dogs.

I have always known how amazing the impact is that animals have on humans.

It started when I was six or seven and my parents bought me my first fish: Lippy. I named her that because she was white with pink lips. When she died, I cried. A lot.

It continued when, in second grade, my dad brought Willy home:

And in fifth grade, when my dad brought home Rocky:

While Willy, Rocky and I grew up together, I came to two conclusions:

1. Each dog’s presence in my life was completely precious.

and

2. There’s no way I could ever survive their deaths.

But if you’ve known me long, you know Willy died at almost 16 in the spring of 2009, and Rocky died at 13 in the spring of 2010. (And you also know I survived.) But the presence of both of those dogs, and the dog I have now (Rudy!), taught me a lot. I learned to sacrifice (Tiny dogs take up more room in a bed than you’d think.) and to wait (I just couldn’t get my dogs to poop on command.). I learned to put somebody else’s needs before my wants (like when Rocky was dying — I didn’t want to watch him deteriorate, but I had to put his need for companionship before my desire to not be uncomfortable.) Ultimately, I learned to love. But as amazing as an animal’s impact can be on a human, I never thought much about how amazing a human’s impact can be on an animal. I realized it recently.

Which is why I wept when I watched this video, of a Navy Seal’s dog, who settled in front of his owner’s casket at his owner’s funeral:

If I have a dog when I die, I so want him or her at my funeral. Animals grieve, too.

Click here to read about the above video and animal grief in the New York Times.