A night or two after I put in my letter of resignation at the Tampa Bay Times, I had a dream about my last day.
In the dream, I wept while I worked.
All.
Day.
Long.
Then I woke up.
“Good gosh,” I thought. “I hope that doesn’t really happen.”
Great news, friends: It didn’t. Today – my real life final full day of work at the Port Richey bureau of the Tampa Bay Times – was so much fun.
Highlights: The newsroom (which was more full than usual) graciously agreed to stop everything, step outside and take a series of group photos for me. Had lunch with my replacement (as has been our tradition these past three Mondays while I’ve trained her) who is awesome (Totally sad she didn’t get hired until I quit.). I got chicken in my hair (you had to be there). And I left with a sense of peace, grateful for good memories, good people and good work.
So much laughter. Long story. Involves a 2-second self timer.
Bob (who blogs here) from the other side of the building and me.
Michelle from the other side of the building and me.
Alex and me on my last walk to Dunkin D. Click his name, read his work. Fabulous writer.
Samantha (my replacement), and me on The Walk. Commonly referred to as Arleen’s twin, and Arleen 2.0.
My final Walk. Where will I go every day at 3:30 now?
“The four weeks of Advent are a test of how profoundly or superficially we understand the meaning of life. In these weeks, the Church reveals the deepest mysteries: Death, Judgment, Heaven and Hell. Christ saves us from the banality of skimming life on the surface: eating, working, shopping, sleeping, waking up and doing it all over again. He created us for great glory, and that is why people become frustrated when they ignore these great mysteries.”
Click here to read the rest of Fr. George Rutler’s profound points about Advent.
I sat in my seat in a circle of students in my counseling theories class.
Pen in hand and a self-inventory worksheet on top of a book in my lap, I thought about the question at the top of the paper:
What did you learn about love from how your parents treated you?
This is what I wrote:
Love requires trust (in multiple ways). Trustworthiness was expected of me, not as a condition of love but as a function of it. Love is tough. When I am loved, I am held to high standards, expected to be the best I can and not enabled to do whatever is less than my best.
I think of this a lot.
I think of it as a counselor (Ha! It’s still so new to call myself that.), in my observation of families and in my interactions with clients.
But also as a daughter. A sister. A friend. A single woman. A potential wife and parent.
This is not about one person telling another what he or she has to change about him or herself in order to be marriage material (I did that once, and it isn’t love).
This is not about manipulating a person into being who they aren’t, who you’d like them to be (somebody tried to do that to me once, and it isn’t love, either).
It is not about having unreasonable expectations (sort of like when my goal was to find – nay, be found by – a Catholic chiropractor who has dreadlocks and a Scottish accent).
It is not about relating like an authoritarian.
This is about ti voglio bene. Italian for “I love you,” but translated literally – according to Edward Sri in Men, Women and the Mystery of Love – it is “I wish you good” or “I want what is good for you.”
This is really about sacrifice.
It’s about not putting yourself between your kid and reasonable consequences for his or her behavior (because while you suffer when they do, if you always save them, they never can learn). It’s about not spoiling your kid, even if it makes you sad when your kid doesn’t get what he or she wants, or your kid’s response to “no” irritates the snot out of you (because kids who are given everything become adults who don’t want to do anything).
It’s about expecting the beloved to reach the bar (of integrity, responsibility, chastity, etc.), not lowering it for them. It’s about accepting that to lower the bar for somebody – while easy for you – is to contribute to the maintenance of his or her weakness, to the atrophy of his or her muscles.
It’s about being there for the beloved through his or her growing pains (which implies allowing him or her to grow), not vetoing somebody’s growth so you don’t have to witness his or her pain.
Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a wonder at the wisdom and power of Your Father and ours. Receive my prayer as part of my service of the Lord who enlists me in God’s own work for justice.
Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a hunger for peace: peace in the world, peace in my home, peace in myself.
Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a joy responsive to the Father’s joy. I seek His will so I can serve with gladness, singing and love.
Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me the joy and love and peace it is right to bring to the manger of my Lord. Raise in me, too, sober reverence for the God who acted there, hearty gratitude for the life begun there, and spirited resolution to serve the Father and Son.
I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, whose advent I hail. Amen.
Why am I proponent of pre-marital counseling? Oh, wait. I thought the question was “Why am I a proponent of pre-martial counseling?”
I have two young kids in martial arts and I recommend parents get pre-martial counseling to deal with the stresses of high kicks to the face and low punches below the belt. However, since I am here already, let me give why I’m a proponent of pre-MARITAL counseling a whirl. First, a story.
I was born in the late seventies. I was never taught how to shave by my father. I remember seeing movies with a father and son having a great bonding experience through the use of a straight razor or a safety razor. Technology has since pretty much solved the problem of the danger of shaving and that rite of passage is no longer needed. It became all too simple: 1) Lather with shaving cream from a can; 2) Take out the Gillette SensorExcel; 3) Pull and rip the hair off your face.
Oh, the memories. Back then, that was “Gillette, the best a man can get.” No, really. Watch:
No father chat. No straight razor skill needed. No knowledge of honing, stropping, pre-post creams, or post shower shaving. Now fast forward to the present day. I am 34 years old, married for 11 years, three kids, a cat and a dog. I drive a truck, have guns, and now am teaching myself how to use a Merkur Futur. That is a safety razor, for those still in the cave of the Mach whatever it is. I am watching videos on YouTube, getting advice on Facebook, emailing friends and chatting with men about how to use a single razor like an artist. This time next year, my goal is to be using a straight razor. It is hard to get more masculine than putting a surgical sharp knife on your face and shaving your whiskers. This process will require even more communication between hand and brain with the use of my fine motor skills.
What is the connection with pre-marital counseling? Well the qualities required of the art of shaving with a straight razor are similar to qualities required of committed relationships – relationships like those of engaged couples and married people. Relationships take practice, skills, technique, communication and knowledge of self and others to create success. For some, this can be accomplished on your own. Everybody knows the guy that can train, research, and sculpt his body without the help of a trainer. For the rest of us, a proper coach is needed.
If I had tried the safety razor technique without advice, I would look like I ran into Freddie Krueger after someone told him I had eaten his last Oreo.
Marriage is something loftier than a straight shave or sport. It is the mutual self-gift of each other to another person with each other’s happiness on the line. No pressure, you are only married “until death do you part” and you will likely teach your children every bad habit you have.
But what should a couple or a person talk about with a counselor regarding marriage? Why is counsel needed? Here is a list of 8 reasons a trusted counselor is good for the pre-marital relationship. I have made it easy to remember with this clever acronym: FLATULNT.
1. Finances. Who will take care of them? Two accounts or one? Spending habits that need to be ironed out. Saving for retirement needs. How much debt will you enter into with a marriage?
2. Love languages. How do you explain to your future spouse what your primary love language is? How do you find out your spouse’s language? What are some ways to express this language?
3. Articles of Faith. This one is way more important than most think. Even if both of you are not religious when you are engaged, this can be a problem. What is to happen if one spouse has a conversion and changes somewhat? Couples without faith will have to understand that God is not part of the marriage and someone or something will replace God. If each couple practices a different faith then there needs to be a lot of discussion on how to raise kids, going to church, etc.
4. You also marry the Tribe. When you get married, you marry your spouse and enter into his or her relationships. This includes her parents, godparents, siblings, uncles and aunts, friends, and Confirmation sponsor. Sometimes these people can bring great joy and sometimes they can bring great thorns to your side.
5. Unitary problems. It is best to get these taken care of before you compound the situation with learning another person in such an intimate way. I don’t just mean drug problems or abuse. Some problems can stem from childhood and need to be dealt with so that your spouse does not become to whipping bag even if you do not desire her to be.
6. Love-makin’. That’s right. Sex. In earlier days, it was pretty much standard that a couple could learn this together in the confines and protection of the marital vows. Today, many people are addicted to pornography, have been abused, or received some generic idea of sex from a program manual. If your idea of sex is based on porn, please find a good counselor to lose this baggage. Abuse strikes at the core of a person and so will likely affect your most intimate actions including your sexuality. Many sex education programs tout the benefits of contraception and safe sex but the human person is created for greatness through being free, faithful, total and fruitful.
7. Newlywed. Marital counselors deal with broken couples all the time. They see what problems married people encounter. They can prepare a couple to miss some of the common pitfalls like “Who will make the coffee everyday?” or “How clean to leave a bedroom?”
8. Teamwork. When you get hitched, you are made into a team of one. Every team uses common skills to create success. Communication, integration, honesty, assuming the best of someone, and many others are very important in business teams and even more important in the marital team. As kids come a long, there begins two teams. There is the husband/wife team that needs care and the family team that has different needs.
Each of these listed are good reasons that pre-marital counseling is a good option in today’s world. I am sure there are married couples that read Arleen’s blog as well. Are there other reasons you might add? Are there any pre-married couples that would like to give some testimony on some good things you have learned?
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About the blogger: J.Q. Tomanek lives in the country of Texas with his wife Denise, a Southern Belle from Trinidad and Tobago, and his three children. He holds two graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, an MBA and Master of Science in Organizational Leadership, and a Bachelor of Arts degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Having taught for five years in Catholic education, he now works in the construction industry in Victoria, TX. He is a parishioner of Holy Family of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus Parish in the Diocese of Victoria. Click here to read his column at Ignitum Today.
