[callout]This post is one in a series of guest posts to appear Mondays while I recover from writing the book. đ Enjoy![/callout]
The year after I graduated college, I got to live my dream: talking to people about sex, and getting paid for it. Seriously. My time as a chastity speaker taught me how to actually articulate my conviction that being pure in oneâs thoughts, words, and actions, while saving sexually intimate acts for marriage, is one of the surest paths to authentic love and a fulfilling life. It was a conviction Iâd long felt, but could never quite verbalize.
A few weeks ago, an acquaintance messaged me, expressing that while sheâs 100% on board with the idea of chastity, she wonders sometimes why itâs worth it when finding the One, and a chaste One at that, feels impossible. Actually putting reasons for chastity into words, I found, can be a huge source of encouragement when it seems like thereâs no one out there like you and youâre wondering whether to just give up on the whole thing. As a speaker, I like to think I avoided the whole Mean Girls, donât-have-sex-or-youâll-get-pregnant-and-die approach, and though I wasnât perfect at it, I also like to think I came to a few conclusions about a better approach, one that appeals not just to religion or morals, but to the heart.
I firmly believe every finite pursuit on this earth, sex included, is the pursuit of the infinite, something beyond ourselves and this life, whether one realizes it or not. Thereâs a longing in every human heart. Chastity, I think, really does help us aim that longing in the most fulfilling earthly direction. So, itâs with this in mind that I humbly present a practical, reason-based case for chastity:
It safeguards the future of your relationship. Studies show that couples who sleep together before marriage have higher rates of divorce and marital infidelity. Those who live together beforehand risk a âcohabitation effectâ of staying in unfulfilling relationships longer than they would otherwise, and are statistically more likely to divorce than couples who did not cohabitate. Of course, there are lots of factors in why a relationship might end, but if youâre serious about the person you love, why not give yourselves the best possible fighting chance? Everyone wants to find love. No one hopes their love will end in a breakup or divorce.
Chastity makes sense within the natural order of things. Almost anyone can recognize thereâs a natural order, and therefore natural outcomes. If we go against that order, natural consequences result–no matter how much I want to fly, for instance, the result of my trying will be falling from the sky every time. Taking sex out of the natural order has its consequences, too: before contraception was legalized in 1958, there were 3 known STIâs. Today, about five decades after the sexual revolution, there are over 50.
Whatâs more, oxytocin, the bodyâs bonding hormone, is released in greatest quantities during and after sex. Biologically, itâs intended to bond us to one person, forever. With each new sexual partner, the quantity of oxytocin released is a little lower, which erodes oneâs ability to experience the fullness of that bond. Neither decreased bonding nor the proliferation of STIâs is anyoneâs punishment; theyâre the natural result of engaging in sex with more than one partner.
It lets you fall in love with your eyes wide open. Studies show that oxytocin also tends to make men and women see their partners more favorably, aiding in the forgiveness of flaws and boosting perceived attractiveness, helping the couple to stick together. Thatâs great in a lifelong marriage; not so great in a relationship that might be problematic. Without the blinders sex can introduce to a dating relationship, youâre better able to see the person youâre dating for who they are. Should you discern your relationship isnât headed for forever, itâs easier to walk away.
But Iâm not saying this to scare you. The title character of Edith Whartonâs Ethan Frome cheats on his wife with her cousin, and he and the cousin both end up paralyzed in a sledding accident. Hello, scare tactic (Edith Wharton: the Mean Girls sex ed teacher of 1911?). But chastity isnât about fear. Abstinence is a series of ânoâs,â and can lead one to live in fear of making a mistake or expressing love in the wrong context. Chastity does you one better. Itâs not saying no, but saying yes: yes to putting the good of the other before your own, yes to love instead of lust. Anyone can start doing that today, no matter where he or she has been. Thatâs the beauty of chastity: you can always start over, virgin or not. Living purely and authentically as a man or woman, living a chaste life, has such power to heal and restore.
Speaking of saying yes: Consider a person who canât discipline her sexual desires. What does it mean when this person says âyesâ to sex? Nothing. It simply means she canât say no. But for the chaste individual, someone who can and who has said no to everyone else (beginning at whatever point heâs chosen chastity), can truly mean âyesâ to his spouse; his yes takes on deep meaning and intention.
Youâre free. Truly. In my opinion, chastity and our identity as sexual beings goes far beyond what weâre doing (or not doing) in bed. Theyâre about who we are as men and women. True, living out chastity means youâre free from worries about pregnancy, STIâs, and certain regrets, but whatâs more, Iâve found you become more and more able to be content with yourself, knowing your standards and sustaining your hope, and better able to rise above lies the culture tells us about how we should act, look, and date.
Chastity takes boldness and fortitude. The payoff is a more integrated heart and will, body and soul. Integration taps into the relationship between desire and the good. The closer what we want and whatâs best for us are aligned and integrated, the happier weâll be.
Integration. Sounds a lot like integrity.
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About the blogger:Â Born a hop, skip, and jump from the Chesapeake Bay, Stephanie Calis now resides in Appalachia, thanks to love. Her sweet husband Andrew teaches English there. She delights in bike rides, good books, puddle jumping, The Avett Brothers, hammocks, avocados, and Andrewâs many argyle sweaters. She is thirsty. Knowing so many others are, too, she spent a missionary year with Generation Life speaking to students about human dignity and authentic love. Her passion is telling young women they possess immense worth and that pure, sacrificial love is real; she thinks a truthful understanding of sex and love is medicine for an aching culture. Stephanie blogs about love and wedding planning at Captive the Heart.