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What I learned in grad school that you really need to know.

As I type, I am six days from walking across the stage at the Sun Dome in Tampa to shake hands with the University of South Florida’s president and to accept my master’s degree in rehabilitation and mental health counseling. After 20 classes (60 credits) and three counseling internships in nearly four years, there is only one succinct way to sum up what I learned in grad school:

A LOT.

Some of it applies solely to people who’ll work as counselors. Some of it applies to everyone.

Here are four of my favorite parts of the latter:

Don’t pamper your kid. It is okay to let a kid work. He or she spills milk on a high chair tray? Hand him or her a sponge and have him or her help you clean. In my human growth and development class, I learned that in children whose parents do everything for them or whose parents otherwise shield their children from work or stress, the part of the brain that buffers it doesn’t fully develop. If you want your kid to turn into an adult who can handle stress, you have to let your kid experience stress. According to Alfred Adler, “pampered children often grow up expecting others to care for them and so do not develop their own resources.”

Be open to experience (and to not deciding to do stuff solely to impress somebody else). According to Carl Rogers, “healthy and fully functioning people (are) those who are open to experience, appreciate and trust themselves, and are guided by an inner locus of control rather than by an effort to please or impress others.” An inner locus of control says “I am responsible for me.” An external locus of control says “other people and/or my circumstances are responsible for me.” You’ve got a heck of a lot to lose when your happiness (or your esteem or your success or your value) depends on people or events you can’t control.

Close the gap between your expressed values and your manifest values. Expressed values are what you say you value (i.e., “I believe TV is a waste of time.”). Manifest values are what your actions imply you value (i.e. you watch TV for five hours each day). When there are discrepancies between what you say you value and what you actually do, the odds of feeling fulfilled are really low. According to one of my text books, “Our success in leading lives that are congruent with our values is strongly connected to the meaningfulness of our lives.”

Tear down your walls. Boundaries are good. Walls are not. In authentic relationships (all kinds), we stretch and grow. In isolation, we wither. Nobody says it better than my textbook: “People who avoid closeness with others and live isolated and circumscribed lives may believe that they are protecting themselves, but in reality, they are preventing their growth and actualization.”

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All quotes in this post come from the second edition of Theories of Counseling and Psychotherapy: Systems, Strategies, and Skills by Linda Seligman.

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Tragedy and unity.

A week ago a couple of bombs constructed out of pressure cookers and hate wreaked havoc on the Boston Marathon finish line. The attack resulted in loss of life and limb, and – for a few days – freedom, while law enforcement shut down the city to search for suspects.

Tragedy.

A few days after the bombing, a fertilizer factory in Texas exploded, rocking the town of West for blocks, knocking surrounding buildings off their foundations, killing or injuring the unsuspecting people in and outside the factory, within the affected radius.

Tragedy.

In the wake of the Boston attack, Boston PD and the FBI and other agencies that don’t routinely converge on a city and work together so closely worked together. The New York Yankees displayed a Boston Red Sox logo at Yankee Stadium, out of compassion for the city that’s home to the team, albeit a rival. Citizens of Boston threw an impromptu street party after law enforcement arrested the second suspect. People who don’t even know each other broke into spontaneous song, holding up cell phones while shouting the national anthem.

Unity.

After the explosion in Texas, I imagine many Americans – like I – sat stunned in front of a TV, shocked and saddened by the sight and sound of a shattered community. Pope Francis tweeted a prayer to his millions of followers, 16.8K of whom have retweeted it so far. People in (and I’m sure outside of) Texas donated “essential items,” gift cards, cash, and blood to people they’ll never meet.

Unity.

Amazes me every time the way tragedy can propel us toward unity. It reminds me of funerals, of God using what nobody likes to draw us back together, and closer to Him.

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Good Friday and fortitude.

It is not easy, and sometimes it’s not possible, to think while we suffer that suffering is good for us.

In whatever way we suffer, be it by voluntarily giving something we like up for Lent, or involuntarily going through a breakup, or a job loss, or an illness, or a death, there will be discomfort. There might be pain and tears.

But accepting it is how we become more like Christ.

This is what Jesus teaches us about suffering.

We live in a culture that encourages us to avoid suffering at all costs, but we believe in a God who encourages us to embrace it, a God who sent His son to teach us how:

Jesus was condemned to death. He carried the cross. He fell on the way and the cross landed on top of Him. He saw his mother suffer because it hurt her to see him suffer. He humbly accepted the help of Simon, who helped him carry the cross. He had blood all over his face. He fell again. He stopped to comfort others while he walked the road he knew would lead to his death. He fell a third time. He had his clothes ripped off his body, his body nailed to a cross, and then he died. They took his body off the cross, and they put it in a tomb.

And we call this Good Friday.

How dare we?

Because of the rest of the story.

Because Christ’s pain and suffering results in salvation.

Because in his passion and death, he taught us fortitude.

“Fortitude is the moral virtue that ensures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good. It strengthens the resolve to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life. The virtue of fortitude enables one to conquer fear, even fear of death, and to face trials and persecutions. It disposes one even to renounce and sacrifice his life in defense of a just cause.” -the Catechism of the Catholic Church

Imagine if instead, like we so often do, Christ had avoided suffering at all costs.

Imagine if like Christ, we chose to obey God and accept the pain instead of trying to escape it.

We learn that suffering is redemptive – it happens for a reason, and it ends well.

We begin to model fortitude like Jesus did.

We learn self control, and discipline.

We get better at resisting temptation.

We learn that God created us stronger than our culture tells us we are.

And ultimately, we become more like Christ.

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Thoughts on Pope Francis

Pope Francis I

Mid-conversation with a client, I heard my phone vibrate from inside the big bottom drawer in my desk. When the client walked out of my office, I opened the drawer to see what the buzz was about.

An email from the Pope Alarm: “We have a Pope!”

A couple Tweets, one from Anthony and one from Sarah: “hurry get on Twitter! We have a pope!” and “New pope has been elected!”

A text from Kim: “Who’s it gonna be? Hmmmm.”

By the time I got to the messages, he already had given his blessing from the balcony. And since I learned of the white smoke that signifies our new pope, these have been my thoughts, in no particular order:

  • I want to cry a little (in a good way).
  • He’s super cute!
  • He cooks for himself. Traded a palace for an apartment and a chauffeur for the bus. Pope Francis is my kinda priest.
  • I am moved by this: “I would like to give the blessing, but first – first I ask a favor of you: before the Bishop blesses his people, I ask you to pray to the Lord that he will bless me: the prayer of the people asking the blessing for their Bishop. Let us make, in silence, this prayer: your prayer over me.”
  • John Paul II = JP2. Benedict XVI = B16. Francis = …F1? #CatholicProblems
  • I hope my colleagues enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed it when yelled “I HAVE A NEW POPE!” into the hallway at work.
  • I was stoked for the white smoke, but am even more stoked for future of the Church, now led by a servant-leader who – from day one – has asked us to embrace a life of love and fraternity.
Habemus papam. God bless Pope Francis!
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[Interview] St. Padre Pio’s secretary, Fr. John Aurilia.

St. Padre Pio (Source)
Fr. John Aurilia (Source)

On August 31 in 2009, I followed a Capuchin friar from the chapel at Most Holy Redeemer Catholic Church in Tampa to his desk in his office next door. Fr. John Aurilia, then Most Holy Redeemer’s pastor, agreed to let me interview him for a story.

I dove right in with questions: What vows does a friar take? Why did you become a priest? What exactly do you own (not much!), and do you really live in poverty? Fr. John answered with humility and an Italian accent. He shared his story, eventually divulging what I never expected he would:

“In 1967, I was called to be Padre Pio’s secretary,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” I said, certain I had misheard him. “Whose secretary? I thought you said Padre Pio…”

As it turns out, he did.

Fr. John was ordained a priest in Campobasso, Italy by Bishop Alberto Carinci on Dec. 17, 1966. In 1967, for the month of August, he served as St. Padre Pio’s temporary secretary. Padre Pio was a friar known for receiving the stigmata (wounds like Christ’s); for bilocation (yes, being in two places at once); and for miraculously knowing stuff that nobody told him. Padre Pio died in 1968 and was canonized a saint by the Catholic Church in 2002. Now, Fr. John is pastor of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church in Passaic, N.J. He and I have kept in touch since I interviewed him for the paper, and he was gracious to chat with me about Padre Pio:

AS: Did you know, or had you met Padre Pio before you served as his secretary? 

Fr. John: Yes, when we were in the Minor Seminary in Pietrelcina, about 40 miles from San Giovanni Rotondo, we used to visit Padre Pio very frequently to get his blessings. For about 10 years before I became his personal secretary, there was a constant contact with Padre Pio. Then, I was requested to substitute (for) his personal secretary for a month.

AS: What did you know about Padre Pio before you worked with him? 

Fr. John: That he was a saintly Friar, that he performed miracles, he had the stigmata, and the gift of knowing hearts and minds, and the gift of bilocation.

AS: Where did you and Padre Pio work and live? 

Fr. John: The office where I worked was on the third floor of the friary. I was sleeping on the second floor, where the others friars were sleeping (including Padre Pio). There were at that time about 15 friars living in the friary. The dining room was on the first floor. The friary was attached to the church, so that the friars could go to the church without going outside. In front of the church and the friary there is a big plaza to accommodate the crowds, and access public transportation to the city. The Hospital Casa Sollievo della Sofferenza is located about 500 feet from the church. The friary has a secluded garden in the back, with huge trees, vegetable garden, flowers, big enough to take a good walk through the many walkways. At my time, the whole place was always very busy as it is now…even more! The town of St. Giovanni Rotondo originally was not connected with our friary and church, as it is now. When Padre Pio was a young priest stationed in San Giovanni Rotondo (in the 1920s-40s) the friary was not accessible by public transportation. It was only accessible by walking or riding a mule or donkey. It was located on top of the hill.

AS: What did you discover about Padre Pio by being his personal secretary?

Fr. John: I did not discover anything new from what I knew before, except that his best gift was the gift of humility, because, although people were coming to him by the thousands, he was always humble, and never changed his daily schedule: many hours of prayer, many hours of confessions, and a long mass (more than an hour).

AS: When I think of St. Padre Pio, I think of the stigmata, and of a prayer of his that I frequently pray. What do you think of when you think of Padre Pio? 

Fr. John: I think of a regular human being, who happened to be very saintly, by the grace of God. He always kept his smile, in spite the many sufferings. I also think of Padre Pio as a humble, pleasant, and prayerful person.

AS: My favorite St. Padre Pio quote is the popular and powerful “Pray, hope, and don’t worry.” While you worked with him, what – if anything – did Padre Pio say to you personally that enriched your life like “Pray, hope, and don’t worry” enriches mine?

Fr. John: He spoke to me without words. He spoke to me very eloquently and powerfully with his way of life (constant prayer and suffering). I do remember that he told me something really insightful about prayer: “John, prayer is the key which opens the doors of heaven.”

AS: Did you witness firsthand the stigmata, bilocation, or other miracles? 

Fr. John: Yes, I saw the stigmata many times, when he did not have on the half-gloves. I never experienced bilocation and other miracles, but I do know they are true because the people who were affected by (it) told me first hand. I once experienced something unusual. I did not know how to answer to a lady who was asking (in a letter to Padre Pio) if (her) son (should) be a doctor or a priest. So, I went to Padre Pio (to ask) how to answer. Padre Pio never saw the letter, which I had in my hands, and before I started asking, he promptly said: “Tell her the son is going to be a good doctor.” I was shocked!

AS: In what way is your spirituality or priesthood influenced by St. Pio? 

Fr. John: After living with him, I understood that my priesthood is not mine, it belongs to Jesus. I am only an unworthy instrument. I also believe that prayer and humility are the greatest strengths I find in my religious life.

AS: Do you frequently ask St. Pio to intercede for intentions in prayer? 

Fr. John: Yes. I ask him every day, sometimes more than once a day.

AS: Why would you recommend we ask St. Pio to intercede for us?

Fr. John: Because I know him, I spoke to him, I touched him, I love him.

AS: How did St. Pio’s death and canonization impact you?

Fr. John: The death and canonization impacted me in a way that my life was never the same ever since: a new look at religious life, more positive about goals to achieve and virtues to pursue.

AS: What, ultimately, did you learn about God and/or life by working with Padre Pio?

Fr. John: I learned that God is not a judge, but a loving Father and Mother, and life is worth living, only if there is plenty of hope, faith, and love.

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Click here to read the story I wrote about Fr. John for the Times.

Click here to visit Fr. John’s church website.