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Books in 2012: A Million Little Pieces

It is with pride and joy that I report the following: I just finished my eighth book of 2012.

I’m proud to have finished because a) it’s 432 pages, making it the longest book I’ve read in my entire life and b) as a book exactly zero percent of me wanted to read, finishing it was a feat of strength. I am joyful because having finished it means I am finally free to jump back into the stack of books of I actually want to read.

As I understand it, the book is part memoir, part fiction but was originally marketed as all memoir, which put it and its author, James Frey, at the center of a controversy that heavily involved Oprah. (Long story.) The book, written in the present tense (which is so not my preference for books), is about Frey’s six weeks in a treatment center for drug and alcohol addiction.

As aforementioned, I really didn’t want to read the book. I don’t read fiction. And even if it had turned out that every one of Frey’s words in the book were true, it simply isn’t a book in which I would have much interest. I read it because to do so is part of an assignment for the substance abuse class I’m taking this semester. While I didn’t dislike all of it, there isn’t much to report other than a) Frey dropped too many F-bombs for my taste, b) it does depict what the mind might be like of a person who is dependent on drugs or alcohol and c) the part in which Frey’s friend and fellow treatment center resident Matty uses words like “grasshole” when he’s mad, because he’s trying to stop swearing, is hilarious.

– – – – –

Click here to read about all the books I read in 2012.

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Inhibition.

In one of my favorite books, writer and researcher Brene Brown says this: “There are many ways in which men and women hustle for worthiness … the two that keep us the most quiet and still are hustling to be perceived as ‘cool’ and ‘in control.’ … Being ‘in control’ isn’t always about the desire to manipulate situations, but often it’s about the need to manage perception. We want to be able to control what other people think about us …”

She talks a lot about inhibition.

I think inhibition is about calculation.

Inhibition is only doing something if we can predict the results of doing it.

(If we can predict it, we can feel in control.)

Inhibition is not doing something if we can’t predict the results of doing it.

Which implies…

-we want to fit in
-we don’t want to deviate (and we aren’t sure if we do)
-our fears of being judged, rejected, misunderstood, criticized, stereotyped or incorrectly categorized outweigh our desires for being authentic.

Which implies…

-we care (a lot) about what other people think of us
-we are more likely to follow external guides than internal ones

Which means…

-when we most feel in control, we actually aren’t in control at all, because
-we don’t make our own decisions; other people’s (potential or actual) thoughts and feelings make our decisions for us.

We are so afraid not to fit in, or to deviate, or to be judged or rejected that we don’t notice the way our effort to avoid those things requires us to relinquish…

-our freedom
-our repose
-ourselves.

So consider this — something else Brene Brown says:

“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

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It’s good to know.

The weather today in the Tampa Bay area is awesome. And so when I technically should have been cooking, I took a few minutes of my afternoon to sit in the backyard with my dog.

Meet Rudy.

My plan to bask in backyard silence was foiled when I realized I was sitting amid a swarm of grasshoppers. 


“Aww, geeze,” I said. Then, I noticed it: a grasshopper sitting on my dog.

Grasshoppers, to my knowledge and in my experience, are harmless. But in the heat of the moment, I projected my irrational fear of them onto my dog. My hunch is that if my dog acted more like he acted in the picture pasted above, I likely would have let him fend for himself. But most days, he acts more like this:

So, with literally zero forethought, the following really happened:

Me: “HEY. GET OFF MY DOG!” [Insert me, flicking a grasshopper off my dog.]

It’s good to know I can do this. And I’m equal parts proud and alarmed to report it. (Proud, because I clearly subconsciously dug deep if I touched a bug on purpose. Alarmed, because it’s the second time in slightly more than a month that I’ve spoken to a bug.)

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What do you do?

Press play, and read on. (It was my soundtrack for writing tonight. Hope you enjoy it as a soundtrack for reading.)

What do you do when

  • you’re not supposed to fit in
  • and you live in a culture where fitting in means everything.

?

What do you do when

  • what you value with every fiber of your being
  • is regarded largely as outdated or outlandish (and the people who value it are labeled as outcasts).

?

What do you do when

  • what is required of you in order to stay true to your convictions (to live what you believe)
  • requires you to do (or not do) what will make most of the people you meet think you’re weird for doing (or not doing) it?

?

You accept

  • that when you aren’t loved
  • when you aren’t approved
  • when you aren’t accepted

you are valuable.

You trust

  • that dislike or hate
  • and disapproval
  • and rejection

have no power over who you are.

You believe

  • that who you are
  • and how much you are worth

depend only on this:

the fact that you exist.

Because you are here on purpose.

Don’t forget it.