“For a stalk to grow or a flower to open there must be time that cannot be forced; nine months must go by for the birth of a human child; to write a book or compose music often years must be dedicated to patient research … To find the mystery there must be patience, interior purification, silence, waiting…” -Pope John Paul II
Don’t “should” on me.
When I was a little kid, I stood in front of a department store’s fitting room mirror in what would become my new dress. I twirled around in it. I fiddled with its floppy collar and poked its buttons and bows. I held up a matching hat and patent leather purse. I smiled.
“Aren’t I pretty?” I asked my mom.
“Yes,” she said. “Of course.”
“Good,” I thought. Her answer satisfied me. And simply, I moved on.
I didn’t know then that when girls grow into women, it is rarely that easy. Most of us don’t smile anymore when we look at mirrors. Instead, we scrutinize. We point out the parts of us we think are too big or small. Fret over wrinkles. Curl hair that’s straight. Straighten hair that’s curly. Color grays. Cover imperfections. Whiten teeth. Wax and pluck. Diet pills. Body wraps. Brow lifts. Botox. Boob jobs. Some women get fat sucked out of their butts and injected into their boobs. Others have had a toe on each foot amputated to make uncomfortable shoes bearable.
We aren’t satisfied. Ever. What a way to live. It is sad and unhealthy. It is a disaster for women and men alike. And frankly, it pisses me off.
But it makes sense.
Why would we be satisfied when men exist who tell their girlfriends and wives what to wear and what body parts to augment?
Why would we be satisfied when we are bombarded by ads that imply that teeth should be perfectly white, you can’t be attractive with cellulite or stretch marks, hair should always be shiny, hair shouldn’t be gray, boobs should be big, boobs shouldn’t sag, eyelashes should be thick, wrinkled skin should be avoided, it’s gross if you sweat and people who aren’t skinny aren’t happy?
Since I hate to be a bearer of bad news, let me give you some good news: Teeth don’t stay white when you use them. Cellulite and stretch marks happen. Hair turns gray and frizzes. People sweat. Boobs are hangy blobs of fat that come in various sizes and are good for feeding babies. The girls in the mascara ads are wearing false lashes. Skin gets wrinkly. There is something wrong with you if you don’t sweat. There is nothing wrong with you if you have curves. So, stop “shoulding” on us. And if you do it, stop “shoulding” on yourself. There is no good reason to make your body do what our culture says it should when our culture says “God forbid your body functions normally.”
In the words of a producer of the fabulous documentary America the Beautiful, these industries of so-called beauty “bring women down in order to sell products to bring them up.” They fabricate a problem and sell you a solution. In the process, what both men and women expect of women morphs until it is unattainable. We are taught to deplore what occurs naturally so when it happens — and it will — we hate ourselves and will do anything (i.e. spend everything) to “fix” it.
You don’t have to do that anymore. You are not defined by what other people think of you. You are not defined by how you look compared to someone else. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I am scared of social media.
For three weeks, I have lived entirely sans social media. For four years, I have trash talked social media. But for the first time ever, I am a little bit scared of it.
Earlier this week, a friend of mine forwarded me an article called Growing Up Digital, Wired for Distraction (thank you, Alex!). The story, from the New York Times, is both fascinating and horrifying. In it, a 17-year-old kid said the following:
“Facebook is amazing because it feels like you’re doing something and
you’re not doing anything. It’s the absence of doing something, but you feel gratified anyway.”
For years, I’ve looked for words to express that very sentiment. I’ve never quite pulled it off, nor could I say it any better than he did. Let’s face it: he’s right. But that somebody who uses and loves Facebook is the one who said it is incredibly alarming.
When a way exists to put forth zero effort and come away gratified anyway, why would the general public put forth effort? The existence of that ability lowers every bar. It conditions us to settle, and to feel satisfied after settling. It’s like Mark Zuckerberg told the whole world that a dollar bill is as good as a hundred, and the whole world believed him. So not only does the whole world feel good about having a dollar, but it stops wanting more, stops aiming for more and forgets the value in having anything more. The industry, which also capitalizes on our culture’s unfortunate obsession with convenience, robs us of depth, effort and patience. It makes them obsolete.
What might that mean for the relationships and communication skills and work ethics of the future?
That’s the scary part.
That’s the part that says “screw you, pal!” to almost everything I have ever valued.
Click here to read the story from the New York Times.
Christmas is coming.
Christmas is coming. And it is, in my opinion (though possibly in fact), the most wonderful time of the year.
I realize that as I write this, it has only been 10 hours since I ate turkey on Thanksgiving. But there is more to Thanksgiving’s end than a tryptophan-induced coma. The end of Thanksgiving signifies the beginning of Advent, a liturgical season in which followers of Christ await and prepare for the celebration of His birth.
It is also when all kinds of people lose their freakin’ minds. Sometimes, the holiday mind-loss is voluntary (case in point: shopping on Black Friday.). Other times, people don’t pre-plan to do things that are crazy. They only succumb to the insanity when the voluntarily-crazies cut them off with cars and shopping carts or call them out for paying with checks instead of credit.
And so what happens is, while we go into Advent intending to prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ, we get a little distracted when we have to fight over the last can of pumpkin puree, or to get into and out of parking spots, or with some kid’s angry grandma because she yelled at us when we glanced at the last set of Harry Potter Legos and she thought doing so meant we’d try to take it from her cart.
Not a particularly productive way to spend the season. Also, thankfully, not a necessary way to spend it. There is a moving, rebellious alternative: the Advent Conspiracy. If you haven’t heard of it, take 2 minutes and 39 seconds to watch this:
Feeling free to conspire yet?
From the Advent Conspiracy blog:
1. [AC] was created by three pastors who simply wanted to challenge people to make Christmas personal again. We are asking folks to consider doing four things: Worship Jesus Fully, Consider Spending Less on gifts that are bought out of obligation, Give More relational gifts, and use a little bit of the money you didn’t spend to Love All by helping those in need.
2. No money comes through, to, under, over or around [AC]. We are not an organization. We’re a movement.
3. We really love giving people clean water (did you know the lack of clean water is the number one killer in our world). You should check out Living Water International for more info. That being said, we want you to make this a personal thing between you and God. If you have another organization that you wish to support, go for it!
Happy Advent!
Saying thanks for the things we don’t notice.
Three days until Thanksgiving.
It reminds me, like it always does, to think about the things I’m grateful for and to say thanks for them.
SO EASY. I’m thankful for my family, my dog Rudy, mashed potatoes, my friends, my job, macaroni and cheese, cruise ships, the beach, the fact that I have clothes, grilled cheese sandwiches, school, the freedom to worship God, nachos with cheese, health, a place to live, pillows, blankets, role models and cheese by itself.
All good things. All obvious things. Makes me wonder if there are good things I haven’t noticed.
Have you ever encountered a person who is, in the worst ways, oblivious?
One of the worst oblivious encounters I’ve had happened one afternoon while I drove through the parking lot of a grocery store near my house. In one corner of the lot, there’s a three way stop. Like George Costanza says, “we’re living in a society!”, so when you’re at a three way stop, you and the other drivers take turns. That’s how it works and it works like a charm when respected.
It was not respected on that particular day.
I stopped at the sign and waited for my turn. And just as it was my turn, somebody totally blew one of the other stop signs. This guy, I thought, is about to overtake my turn! In effort to teach him a lesson (usually a bad idea), I took my turn anyway. Naturally, we both slammed on our brakes to avoid a collision. We rolled down our windows.
“HEY!” he shouted while running his stop sign. “YOU’RE RUNNING A STOP SIGN!”
Is. He. KIDDING ME? I am on Candid Camera right now, I thought.
Unfortunately not so. He really was that unaware. If he only knew! My hunch is, that given awareness of what he had missed, he’d be slightly ashamed of himself. He’d probably pay more attention in the future. He’d try harder to notice things that are easily overlooked. He’d admit that some things are only easy to overlook when one is too self absorbed.
Just sayin’. Certainly not sayin’ I’m never that person. Pretty sure we all are sometimes. On an episode of Conan O’Brien’s old show, comedian Louis CK pointed out a place where we are mostly guilty:
airplanes.
“People come back from flights and they tell you their story,” he said. “It’s a horror story. (People say) ‘it was the worst day of my life. We didn’t board for 20 minutes and then they made us sit there on the runway for forty minutes!’ … Oh really? What happened next? Did you fly through the air incredibly? … You’re flying! It’s amazing! … You’re sitting in a chair in the sky.”
But we’re so often quicker to notice instead that the seat “doesn’t go back a lot.”
Thanksgiving, I think, is a good time to look for the good things we don’t notice. It’s a great time to say thanks for them.