Before: I have to read all day.
After: I get to read all day.
Depends on your perspective.
Inhibition.
In one of my favorite books, writer and researcher Brene Brown says this: “There are many ways in which men and women hustle for worthiness … the two that keep us the most quiet and still are hustling to be perceived as ‘cool’ and ‘in control.’ … Being ‘in control’ isn’t always about the desire to manipulate situations, but often it’s about the need to manage perception. We want to be able to control what other people think about us …”
She talks a lot about inhibition.
I think inhibition is about calculation.
Inhibition is only doing something if we can predict the results of doing it.
(If we can predict it, we can feel in control.)
Inhibition is not doing something if we can’t predict the results of doing it.
Which implies…
-we want to fit in
-we don’t want to deviate (and we aren’t sure if we do)
-our fears of being judged, rejected, misunderstood, criticized, stereotyped or incorrectly categorized outweigh our desires for being authentic.
Which implies…
-we care (a lot) about what other people think of us
-we are more likely to follow external guides than internal ones
Which means…
-when we most feel in control, we actually aren’t in control at all, because
-we don’t make our own decisions; other people’s (potential or actual) thoughts and feelings make our decisions for us.
We are so afraid not to fit in, or to deviate, or to be judged or rejected that we don’t notice the way our effort to avoid those things requires us to relinquish…
-our freedom
-our repose
-ourselves.
So consider this — something else Brene Brown says:
“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing, and, in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
What do you do?
Press play, and read on. (It was my soundtrack for writing tonight. Hope you enjoy it as a soundtrack for reading.)
What do you do when
- you’re not supposed to fit in
- and you live in a culture where fitting in means everything.
?
What do you do when
- what you value with every fiber of your being
- is regarded largely as outdated or outlandish (and the people who value it are labeled as outcasts).
?
What do you do when
- what is required of you in order to stay true to your convictions (to live what you believe)
- requires you to do (or not do) what will make most of the people you meet think you’re weird for doing (or not doing) it?
?
You accept
- that when you aren’t loved
- when you aren’t approved
- when you aren’t accepted
you are valuable.
You trust
- that dislike or hate
- and disapproval
- and rejection
have no power over who you are.
You believe
- that who you are
- and how much you are worth
depend only on this:
the fact that you exist.
Because you are here on purpose.
Don’t forget it.
The thing about prayer.
Awhile ago, a friend introduced me to the Litany of Humility:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …
That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
I knew about this prayer for years before I ever prayed it. I was a little bit afraid to pray it, frankly.
Because the thing about prayer is you might get what you ask for.
And if your prayer is the litany of humility, and you get what you ask for, it is scary (especially if you’re an American). Because “deliver me from the desire of being loved” implies, for example, that someone won’t love you, and God’ll let it be, so you can learn to be ok with that. You’ll have the opportunity not to be approved, so you can learn to be ok with that, too. It implies, for another example, that you’ll be calumniated (people will lie about you, in other words), so you can learn not to be afraid of being calumniated. It implies you’ll be forgotten, ridiculed and wronged, so you can learn not to be afraid of those things, either.
And we already know that we know that we know that we don’t need to desire or fear those things in the ways the world says we do. We already know where to go to get all we need.
Books in 2012: Bossypants
Dear Tina Fey,
Can we be friends? Check one:
_____ Yes.
_____ Probably not (but maybe).
_____ We already are.
Sincerely,
Arleen Spenceley
is what Tina Fey would read if I were to send her a note in response to Bossypants, her bestselling book (which is the seventh book I’ve read in full in 2012). As a fan of the show 30 Rock, of the movie Baby Mama and of Fey’s ridiculous (in a good way) portrayal of Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live in election season 2008, I dove into the book expecting to love it. Which I did. But if you are not already a fan of Fey’s work, fear not: When you read Bossypants, you will love it, too, assuming you a) can handle the occasional f-bomb and b) are a person who appreciates funny things.
It is because of Bossypants that I laughed with reckless abandon and possibly choked on a pretzel stick, both in public places. So, if you are eating pretzel sticks, I suggest you finish them now before scrolling down, where you’ll find five of my favorite excerpts:
I totally agree with this:
“When I was a kid, there was a TV interstitial during Saturday morning cartoons with a song that went like this: ‘The most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you. / You’re the most important person!’ Is this not the absolute worst thing you could instill in a child? They’re the most important person? In the world? That’s what they already think. You need to teach them the opposite. They need to be a little afraid of what will happen if they lose the top of their Grizzly Adams thermos.” -page 54
On sexism at the improv theater where Fey worked in Chicago:
“In 1995, each cast at the Second City was made up of four men and two women. When it was suggested that they switch one of the companies to three men and three women, the producers and directors had the same panicked reaction. ‘You can’t do that. There won’t be enough parts to go around. There won’t be enough for the girls.’ This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury. We weren’t doing Death of a Salesman. We were making up the show ourselves. How could there not be enough parts? Where was the ‘Yes, and’? If everyone had something to contribute, there would be enough. The insulting implication, of course, was that the women wouldn’t have any ideas.” -page 87
It surprises me that the following came from something that is not one of my textbooks. In any situation in any relationship, be it actor/director, husband/wife, parent/child, stranger/stranger, there is always a “core reason,” as Fey calls it, that somebody says or does something. I’ll add that a person’s “core reason” is sometimes not within his or her own awareness, and usually not within the awareness of the other person affected by it. Make it a goal to find your core reasons and express them. It reduces stress by at least appx. 43% for everyone.:
“And then sometimes Actors have what they call ‘ideas’. Usually it involves them talking more, or, in the case of more experienced actors, sitting more. When Actors have ideas, it’s very important to get to the core reason behind their idea. Is there something you’re asking them to do that’s making them uncomfortable? Are they being asked to bare their midriff or make out with a Dick Cheney look-alike? (For the record, I have asked actors to do both, and they were completely game.) Rather than say, ‘I’m uncomfortable breast-feeding a grown man who I just met today,’ the actor may speak in code and say something like ‘I don’t think my character would do something like that.’ OR ‘I’ve hurt my back and I’m not coming out of my dressing room.’ You have to remember that actors are human beings. Which is hard sometimes, because they look so much better than human beings. Is there someone in the room the actor is trying to impress? This is a big one, and should not be overlooked. If a male actor is giving you a hard time about something, you must immediately scan the area for pretty interns.” -page 122
On men who say women aren’t funny:
“Unless one of these men is my boss, which none of them is, it’s irrelevant. My hat goes off to them. It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist. So my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: ‘Is this person in between me and what I want to do?’ If the answer is no, ignore it and move on.” -page 144
Both Fey and her husband remind me of me:
“I turned to domestic violence only once. We were going to bed a 3 a.m., knowing we’d have to get back up at 5:30 a.m., and my husband kept talking and talking as a joke when I was trying to fall asleep. His exhaustion had given him the giggles, and he kept poking me and waking me up saying things like ‘Hey, I gotta ask you one more thing. Do you like pretzels?’ I flew off my pillow and shoved him so hard across the bed that I saw genuine fear flash across his face. It was one of the very few ‘deleted scenes from Star 80‘ in my life.” -page 189
– – – – –
Click here for more about Bossypants.
Click here to read about all the books I read in 2012.